AllFreeNovel
Share Us
He squeezes his eyes shut, then nods once. And when he opens them, there’s torment and a bleakness in them. He rubs the back of his neck, and it’s a gesture that’s so unusual for him, I pause.
It hints at the confusion he’s experiencing… Another first. The Quentin I've come to know is an authoritarian; someone who’s very confident of who he is and what he wants. Someone who’s assertive and self-assured; someone who’d never hesitate to speak his mind. He looks away, then back at me, and this time, I glimpse sadness in his features.
Even before he says it, my intuition warns me. In fact, from the time I saw the two of them together in his office, I suspected it, so when he tells me, "She’s Felix’s mother," I’m almost not surprised. But then he says, "She revealed that Felix is not my son."
"What?" My jaw drops.
"She had an affair while I was on a tour of duty. She became pregnant, didn’t know what to do, and decided to pass him off as mine."
"Oh, my God." I press my knuckles into my mouth. "That must have come as a shock."
A muscle tics at his jaw. "I knew she was unhappy, but I assumed that was because she was taking time to adjust to being a mother. I suspected she was unfaithful, but it never crossed my mind that he wasn’t mine. Not that Felix isn’t mine." He rubs the back of his neck. "He is, in every way that counts." He shifts his weight from foot to foot. "I can’t blame her for what happened. It was my fault. I should have been more present. I was too busy running away from daily life."
"You were devoting your life to the service of your country." I shouldn’t want to defend him, but I can’t help myself. Q has his faults, but his service to the cause of keeping us safe is not one I’ll ever question.
His lips twist. "I was pandering to my need to feel important by focusing on my career. It was a classic escape mechanism?—"
I begin to speak, but he raises his hand. "You and I both know it, so don’t deny it. It’s why, as soon as my feelings for you became too much, and I realized how vulnerable it made me feel, I hurt you. I wanted you to get angry with me and leave?—"
"—but I didn’t."
"And I hoped you wouldn’t." He shuffles his feet. "But also, I wanted you to, because I'm bad at relationships. If it was inevitable you'd leave me at some point, I preferred it happen sooner than later."
He’s been thinking all this, and he didn’t share it with me? Why didn’t he? Why has he been keeping his misgivings to himself all this time? I peer into his face, trying hard to make sense of what he’s saying. "So, you were self-sabotaging?"
He laughs, the sounds humorless. "You could say that. It wasn’t until Lizzie marched into my office and told me off?—”
“Hang on, Lizzie told you off?” I stare at him in amazement.
He nods. “And how. She made me realize how selfish I was being. How I was trying to manipulate you into breaking things off because I wasn’t able to do it myself.”
I rub my forehead, feeling dizzy. My little sister Lizzie faced down my very scary husband—who’s more than twice her age and weighs, at least, four times her weight—and gave him a piece of her mind? I don’t know what to make of that.
“And when I learned that Felix wasn’t mine, everything became clear.”
Something in Q’s voice prompts me to look up. "How do you mean?"
"I realized how much I love him. I realized…how much I love you."
I blink slowly. "You love me?" I try to keep the skepticism out of my voice but must not succeed because he winces.
He brings his fist up to rub at his chest, then swallows. "I know, I’ve been an arse?—"
"You think?"
He doesn’t smile. "I’ve been more than that. I’ve been a wanker. I’ve been selfish, Raven. I hurt you, and for that, I’ll never forgive myself." The expression on his face is so tortured, my ribcage tightens. "I understand why you wouldn’t believe it, but I’m going to convince you."
“Are you?” I look at him, aware my skepticism is showing on my face. Hey, I’m allowed to feel cynical, considering how he tried his best to push me away. How he tried to get me to hate him. And then, seeing him with the mother of his son. Seeing her touching him, and he didn’t shake her off? Is there still something there? Does he have feelings for her?
He moves forward and cages me in with his arms. "I’m going to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I’d kill myself before I hurt you again; this, I swear."
When I don’t respond, his lips droop, then he sets his jaw. "You don’t believe me?”
"Would you, if you were in my place? You said you wanted to marry me because"—I make air quotes with my fingers—"I was the woman you’d been looking for your entire life, only to turn around and tell me you didn’t want a relationship that would tie you down. You said I wasn’t enough for you. You said?—”
“I’m sorry, so sorry, baby.” He takes both of my hands in his. “I was running scared from my emotions. I knew I’d fallen for you. I realized I fell in love with you the moment I saw you walking up the aisle, but I denied it to myself. I knew if I accepted my feelings for you my entire life would change; that I would never be the same again. It made me feel so very vulnerable, and that's something I never felt before. I didn’t know how to deal with it.
"And mixed with all that was guilt, too. I knew I didn’t deserve you. I was selfish asking you to marry me, when you could be with someone closer to you in age. Someone who'll be there with you for more of your life. Know what I mean?” He stares into my eyes. “You made me feel younger than my years, but you also reminded me my time was ticking down. I have far less life left than you. And that's bittersweet. That, more than anything, made me wonder if you wouldn’t be better off without me.”
