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Oh boy, here it goes. “A little over three years ago, the guy I was engaged to was killed in a car wreck.”
“Ah, I see.”
“No, you don’t. The thing is, we’d gotten into this huge fight. Shouting at each other. Pretty ugly actually. It was about us getting married. He couldn’t understand why I had decided I didn’t want to marry him. Anyway, I was really upset, and stormed out of the restaurant we were in. He followed and begged me not to leave. I didn’t listen and got in my car, so he jumped in too and we headed down the road. It had been raining. We were still shouting at each other in the car. Looking back, it was all stupid. Anyway, I flew around this curve, lost control of the car, and it flipped. When the car stopped, it was wrapped around a tree. Peter died instantly, but I walked away with only a few bruises. You probably see this crap all the time. Anyway, the whole thing messed me up and I’ve been dealing with it in a very unhealthy way that we maybe can discuss at a later time.” I shrugged. “I wanted you to know why I’ve been so reluctant to go out with you.”
People usually tell me it wasn’t my fault and blah blah blah. Then they want to hug me and get all sappy-assed. He did none of that. He did something completely different. He got on his knees in front of me and took my hands in his. He looked me straight in the eyes and asked me one question.
“Did you mean for your car to flip and crash into that tree and for Peter to die as a result of it?”
“No, of course not.”
“Then you’re going to have to find a way in your heart and soul to forgive yourself. You’ve heard this a thousand times, I’m sure. But that accident wasn’t your fault. Now if you sat there and told me you wanted that car to crash, that would be an entirely different matter. And before you say a word, the fact that you were arguing doesn’t mean a thing. People argue all the time. But they don’t die doing it. It just happened. Can you understand my point?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Then please forgive yourself. Peter would if he were here. Now it’s up to you. Don’t let this break you.”
No one had ever put it like that to me before. I would never have wanted Peter to die that night. I didn’t mean for anything like that to happen. It was an accident.
“Find a way, Alexia. Don’t let this destroy your life.”
I nodded as I rubbed my palms over my jeans again. He grabbed and held them, forcing me to stop. I gave him a sheepish look. There was my sexual history that he needed to know about, but I still wasn’t ready to go there. I’m sure there are girls that would argue I didn’t need to disclose everything, but I had been out-of-control promiscuous, if we ever decided to head down that road, he needed to know about my past.
“There are other things about me you need to know, but I’m not ready to share those just yet.”
“When you are, just say the word.”
He sat down next to me again and kissed the back of my hand that he still held. Then he faced me, took his hands, and wrapped them around my face. “It’s going to be okay. I’ll help you if you’ll let me.”
I covered his hands with mine and leaned my forehead against his. Something made me want to wrap myself around him and hold on for dear life. But I would never do that until he knew the whole truth about me. I hadn’t slept with anyone since the incident with Jeff’s roommate. All those tests I had were negative, indicating I was healthy, thank God. But still. I had slept with a lot of men and not remembered most of it. And add the drugs I had done. He had a right to know about that before we entered into any kind of relationship. It would give him an out, because to be fair, he was too good for me anyway.
“I just might do that. But then you probably might hate me.”
“I won’t ever hate you. I can promise you that.”
“Pearce, don’t make promises you can’t keep. There’s some nasty baggage associated with me. That attack is just one other thing added to the mix. I’m a lot to take on. But for now, can we change the subject?”
“Absolutely.”
He released me, but I got the sense it was reluctantly. Then he stood and held out his hand.
“Come with me please. I’d like to show you something.”
We walked up a long flight of stairs, which was common in the old homes of Charleston since most of them had twelve-foot ceilings. When we reached the top, I followed him to another flight of stairs, and we climbed that. He led me through a door, and we walked out on his rooftop. It was then I noticed we were on a widow’s walk and in one direction had a view of the Charleston Harbor, and in the other a view of the city.
“This is amazing! I bet it’s gorgeous in the daylight.”
“Yeah, except in the summer when it’s so damn hot you can’t walk out here after eight in the morning.”
“I can imagine. But this is great. Look at all the stars.”
“They really pop on a crisp night like tonight.”
He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, tugging me close to him.
“Is this okay?”
“Hmm. Yeah, Pearce, it’s more than okay. Please understand. I’m not hesitant because of me. It’s because of you … for your protection.”
