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Like I did last night.
The memory of him sneaking into Fern’s room hurts my stomach. I’m dumbstruck by the jealous pang in my heart.
Without waiting for a response, I dart toward the door.
Between him setting me up with Ken and Viv for training, bringing me tea, saving me from the shadow in the woods, opening up about his mother, flirting with me, and offering me doughnuts, I’m torn.
The only thing worse than Rainer being awful to me, is him being nice to me. It’s confusing and unsettling.
I don’t know what his motives are. Gods help me. If I’m going to focus on myself and my resilience, I don’t need a Rainer-shaped distraction hovering in my mind.
He might not hate me anymore, but we are not friends.
seventeen
I’ve Been Free
Alessia
I head outside, assuming I’m not working today since Das Celyn is not around. I figure I’ll get some fresh air by myself.
The gardens have quickly become my new favorite place on the grounds. Rich, vibrant tones of red, white, yellow, and purple roses make up the majority of buds. There are even a few black roses, and the pink ones—Damask roses—that I avoid carefully.
It’s such a bright contrast against the cloudy, grey day. A sliver of joy among the castle’s dark gothic aura. It’s obvious Rainer takes much pride in caring for his mother’s old gardens. Floral scents fill the air, mixing into its own beautiful perfume—better than anything in the bottles upstairs.
Following the flat rock path that leads through the gardens, I curve around the side of the castle, crossing the wide open expanse of grass we normally use for training. Without shoes on, the soft blades are like a thick rug. The fresh air warms my skin.
Everything about being outdoors here is comforting—I noticed it from the moment I stepped foot over the Gleam—and it makes me realize just how little time I’ve spent outside in my life. Lyson’s winters are long and bare, and even in the better seasons, I never spent much time beyond the estate’s walls. Never had an opportunity to fall in love with the outdoors like this. Chores seldom required me to migrate away from the estate’s interior. Unless I was assisting Char in the gardens, or washing windows from the exterior, I stayed indoors.
Here, it reminds me of some of my favorite moments with Char, outside in the fresh air and sunshine as we tended the flowerbeds.
Pausing, I turn my face up to the skies, pretending the sun is shining and washing over me. For a second, rays peek out and bathe my eyelids in an orange hue.
I giggle.
Rainer is right: these little moments are magic.
A smile graces my lips, and suddenly my head is light and airy beyond a normal, natural euphoria.
My skin buzzes with pleasure.
“Is the weather always this delightful?” I ask aloud.
There’s a niggling in the back of mind that tells me something is off, but I can’t quite figure out what it is.
It feels too good to care, really.
“It’s quite temperate, yes.”
Whipping around, I spot Rainer a few paces behind me, staring with narrowed eyes. His head cocks to the side, as if he’s trying to make sense of me. His gaze is unintentionally seductive.
It’s the way he stares at me—like he’s trying to strip me naked and see my soul.
Like he truly sees me.
My skin prickles under his attention, but instead of feeling shy or unsettled, I giggle harder.
The colors around me brighten, becoming sharper. The floral scent of the gardens grows stronger.
