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Slowly, gracefully, she’s discovered her strength and reclaimed her life. The irony is she hasn’t even noticed. She wanted safety? She got it. Freedom? She has it.
They both belong to her, yet she still acts as if I have her leashed. But I hold neither her nor her leash in my fist.
Using my power on her was manipulative, but in a different way than she assumes. It wasn’t meant to control her or prove she’s weak. No, the fearcalling was intended to get Eoin’s eyes off her—off us. To convince him that she means nothing to me.
Convince her that she means nothing to me.
Again, I’m protecting someone I shouldn’t care about, at the expense of my true emotions. She was softening up around me, and I’ve shut it all down.
It was a fight to use my powers on her in the first place. It was even more of a challenge to allow Fern to perch on my lap, to pretend as if I don’t loathe her touch.
All a show for Eoin. So he knows that both my humans are equally as important, and equally as unimportant to me. They’re both tools to be used, and nothing more.
Eoin is already intrigued by Alessia because he thinks I am fond of her. If he sees her as something I care for, he sees a weakness. I doubt he will stop at anything to acquire her for himself. He’s wanted to gain control of Umbra Court for as long as we’ve been old enough to disagree. Eoin would do anything to gain a foothold over me, even if it means using Alessia as a pawn.
The irony of it all is that she might truly be safer in the Terra Court. Eoin would never harm her—he’s a healer for fae’s sake—and there are a handful of humans that reside there. He doesn’t pose a risk to her like I do.
But she certainly wouldn’t get the opportunity to grow and thrive.
He would never train her. He would keep her like a prize, put her on a pedestal. Use her against me. He’d pluck her, where I would water her.
She would wither instead of flourish.
The truth is selfish: I don’t want him to steal Alessia away.
Watching her grow comfortable in my castle has been a thing of beauty, but it’s dangerous. Not just for me, but for her. With Eoin here, and Tynan coming, I can’t let either of them see that she means something to me. I can’t let them see I am protecting her.
And though I worry about hurting her, I would never hurt her the way they did in Dovenak.
It’s necessary for her to hate me in hopes that she’ll avoid me. I had never wanted to use my fearcaller power on her. But I needed to remind her that I am not her friend, not her savior.
I am cruel.
I am evil.
I am a walking nightmare—The Prince of Fear.
And if Eoin thinks I don’t care for her, he’ll lose interest.
But watching him comfort her, hold her hand so casually, it made my chest ache. It was eerie. It took everything in me to keep the emotions from splaying on my face. It made me realize that as much as I lie to everyone around me, I can’t lie to myself.
Alessia means something to me.
I don’t hate her. Not at all. I tried, but I can’t.
It’s more than the juxtaposition of her sweet innocence mixed with a fiery spirit. It’s the way she watches Kenisius and Viveka with unabashed respect during their morning training sessions, hanging onto every word with eagerness. The way she’ll work herself to the verge of passing out, never wanting to disappoint her teachers. Striving to be the best she can.
It’s the way she doesn’t give up on Das Celyn. Instead, she patiently coaxes them into eating in a way that’s neither pushy nor too forward, helping them overcome their cibophobia—their fear of eating.
It’s the way she stands up for herself against Fern’s taunting, and my cruelty. How she fights for herself despite her earlier notion of it being pointless.
Most of all, it’s the way she watches me when she thinks I’m not looking. It’s never with pity or disgust—always understanding and curiosity. She’s asked about my flowers, my mother. Things most people overlook or ignore. But she sees it all—my good, my bad. But if I can have it my way, I’ll protect her from my ugly.
There’s a third reason for using my power on Alessia. I needed to see for myself that she can survive her fear. That she reacts…differently to my power.
Unlike most, she did not become petrified.
She fought through it.
