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“Nothing. Not a sniff.”
“Even right now? You’re not sexualizing me at all?”
“No.” He scoffs, but his cheeks heat.
At times, Simon wishes he hadn’t been so candid with Dr. Danvers. When he first came to her clinic, Simon claimed it was for treatment of his habitual cocaine use. But after a few sessions, he also confessed to his sexual addiction and compulsive fantasies. Without, of course, sharing everything.
“I’m telling you, Dr. D, ever since we—our tribe—started the ketamine, my urges have faded. All of them. And honestly, since yesterday, not one single filthy thought has crossed my mind.”
“You do understand, Simon, that some of what you’re feeling is probably due to a placebo effect?”
Simon bellowed with laughter. “I don’t care if you flushed me with salt water and gave me a sugar pill.”
“I didn’t give you any pills—”
“I know. I know. Those MDMA pills just fell off the back of some truck.” He chuckles. “Point is, Dr. D, I saw what I saw. And I felt what I felt.”
He’s rewarded with another one of the doctor’s small smiles.
CHAPTER 6
Wednesday, April 3
Elaine is the last of the seven in the group to arrive for her one-on-one debrief with Holly, a day after their dual MDMA and ketamine session.
Before Elaine even reaches the chair, Holly can tell that her client has had a vastly different response to dual therapy than the rest of the group. To start with, there is no light in her eyes. The others have all described the experience in glowing terms such as “life-altering,” “transformative,” and even “a brush with God.” Holly might have predicted such enthusiastic responses from perpetual optimists like Simon or JJ. But it was Reese, the lawyer and most businesslike member, who likened the experience to the divine.
The feedback only validated Holly’s decision to use dual psychedelics for the first time in her practice. But her excitement is now tempered by the sight of Elaine. Her color is slightly off. And her bloodshot eyes hold a haunted look, reminiscent of a victim of domestic assault or other recent trauma.
“You went through a lot yesterday,” Holly says, after Elaine sits down across from her. “I’m sorry for that.”
“Me, too,” Elaine mutters, avoiding eye contact.
“No question, the experience can be overwhelming. Not at all easy to process. Particularly after such a traumatic trip.”
Elaine shrugs but still refuses to look up.
“Can we talk about it?”
Her shoulders twitch again. “I don’t remember much.”
“That must be the midazolam.”
“The sedative?”
“Yes. You were having a severe dysphoric reaction. A bad trip. You dropped into the ‘hell realm,’ as some people call it. When the hallucinations turn nightmarish. I had no choice but to sedate you. And midazolam often causes amnesia for part or all of its duration.”
“Oh.”
“You don’t remember anything from the experience?”
“I remember a meadow. Lots of flowers. Vivid colors…”
Holly nods. “That’s a good start. You did cry out, though. It sounded as if someone else was with you in the vision. You were screaming at him to go away.”
“I… I don’t remember that.”
Holly waits a few seconds before asking, “Was it the wolf?”
