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“I’m so tired, Gabby. I was so tired of fighting and afraid of him using you against me. And for a second, I thought I could have Samkiel. I could have a life, and that was the evilest thought that had ever crossed my mind. It was only for a second, but I was happy. Then the guilt and the worry about you came rushing back and ate me alive. I have killed, maimed, and done things that would make people wish for death, but that thought, that single thought, was the worst in my entire existence. Maybe I could have saved you. I could have kept searching after Novas. Instead, I listened to him, stayed with him, went back to Silver City, and I killed you then. Not Kaden. Me. And I’ll never forgive myself.”
I expected her to scream at me and leave. To tell me I was the scum of the world and deserved every horrible, terrible thing that happened to me. That I deserved to rot forever, to die utterly alone and miserable. But she didn’t.
Gabby watched me sitting in front of the screen and shook her head. “That’s all?”
I gaped at her in shock. “What do you mean, is that all?”
She turned back to me, her face suffused with disbelief. “That’s it?”
I just stared at her.
She tossed her hands up, groaning in annoyance. “Oh my gods, Dianna, talk about survivor’s guilt. So what?”
“So what?” I didn’t have words. I opened and closed my mouth, trying and failing to make sense of her. “Gabby, I just told you something that has been eating me from the inside out, and you mock me? I—”
“You didn’t kill me.”
“But—”
She stepped closer, the room dissipating and reforming, taking us back to our old house. “You spent a thousand years taking care of me, looking out for me, and never yourself. Do you know what it means that you thought about yourself for one second? It means that some part of you is normal. That’s it. You were happy, and that’s okay. You wanted a life? Great. About damn time.”
“You’re not mad at me?”
“No. How much stress do you think one person can take, Otherworld or not, before they just want a break? You didn’t let me die, and you didn’t kill me. Dianna, you would never harm me. Kaden did. You are not responsible for what Kaden did, and you had every right to be with Samkiel. To be happy. That is all I have ever wanted for you.”
I dropped my gaze, a part of me unable to believe her.
“Hey, look at me,” Gabby demanded, waiting for me to meet her gaze. “You protected me. You always have. This? What you’re feeling. That is just grief. You love me, and you miss me, and you blame yourself. Okay, it’s normal, it’s real, it happens, but you gave me the best life, Dianna. The best one. A longer one than I would have ever had. It’s okay to want a life too. It’s okay that you love him. Just because this bad thing happened doesn’t mean you are responsible.”
My jaw clenched, struggling not to break, my emotions a roiling mass threatening to overwhelm me. Gabby reached out and took my hand, the familiar feeling helping to ground me.
“Kaden would have taken me, eventually. Someway, somehow, that was inevitable. You couldn’t keep me safe forever, nor would I have let you. I lived, Dianna. For a thousand years, I lived, and you didn’t. You have been a shell of what he wanted for so damn long, his fucking puppet. Then Samkiel comes along, and you laugh, smile, and feel. I couldn’t have been happier. What kind of sister would I be if I didn’t want you to be happy, too? You didn’t kill me, D. You saved me. Only you let yourself die in the process. It’s about time you live.”
The dam broke, and I could no longer hold back the tears. They scalded my cheeks, but the relief was overwhelming. The weight I had been carrying lifted from my shoulders, and I crumpled beneath the lightness. Gabby caught me, her warm solid arms holding me as my body shuddered with choked sobs. I buried my face against her shoulder, so thankful she was here and not just another figment of my imagination, and wept. My body caved in on itself, and I wept until I had no more to give.
“I miss you so much. So much.”
Her hands stroked over my hair. “I know. I miss you too.”
“I don’t know how to forgive myself. Even if it was only a second.”
“Then don’t.”
I pulled back, wiping at my eyes.
She shrugged. “Hey, we’re all flawed in one way or the other. Be selfish, then. Love fearlessly and blindly, but love nonetheless. I would want nothing else for you. I think you are perfect the way you are. Flaws and all. So does he. There is nothing I would change… Well, maybe that trip to Nappale, but that’s it.”
I stifled a laugh as I sniffled. “I’m a terrible person.”
“No.” Her voice cracked as she smiled at me. “You’re just a girl who gave up everything she had for the ones she loved. You deserve to be loved in return.”
The house trembled violently, rocking us to the side and nearly toppling us to the floor. Pictures fell from the walls, the wind howling so loud I covered my ears. Whispers and roars rode on the air, sounding like Iassulyn had opened above us.
Gabby’s eyes turned a bright gold as she jumped to her feet. “The realms are opening.”
The words crashed into me. “Samkiel. Is he—”
She shook her head. “Not yet, but close.”
