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“No one should,” I said.
“Dianna.” Gabby dropped the lock, turning to me.
“Tell me I’m wrong.” My voice cracked. “You’ve seen everything I’ve done. You think I deserve love? I’m not good like you and him. I never have been.”
“You’re wrong, D.” Her gaze softened. “So so wrong.”
“You think I am?” I scoffed, the final part of me splitting wide open. “Okay. I’ll show you just how wrong you are.”
I ripped at the locks, chains, and bolts. Gabby stepped back as I tossed and threw the mass of metal to the side, leaving the cracked door bare. “Just know I’m sorry.”
She looked at me. “For what?”
“For what you’re about to learn.”
The door swung open. White stone shot through with gold swept forward, replacing the wooden floorboards of our home. A labyrinth of books and shelves hung on the walls, a staircase spiraling toward the upper levels. A large, oval table covered in scrolls and ancient texts sat in the middle. Gabby’s eyes went wide, and she turned toward me. “What is this?”
Voices rose inside the room, and Gabby whipped her head around to see what was here and what I had hidden.
“It’s when it happened.”
“When what happened?”
I nodded toward the balcony area where Samkiel and I stood. “I lied to Logan in the tunnel. In Yejedin. I did think about a future.”
My heart raged, and my eyes stung, but I clenched my fists, holding back the tears. I saw my Ig’Morruthen form step from the shadows. She walked on all fours, padding on silent paws, her body sleek and lithe. Her eyes burned ember red, and her coat was the color of night, with deep shadows of violet rosettes. She circled Gabby and me, coming to rest at my heels, her long tail swishing behind us.
We watched as Samkiel took a breath, then another, my hands steady on his forearms. I hadn’t noticed it then, but I saw it now. Samkiel looked at me as I spoke with so much admiration my heart clenched all over again.
“He had just recovered from his near earth-shattering panic attack after we’d gotten back from talking with Roccurem. He had almost lost himself again. I calmed and comforted him like I did you during bad storms, and it worked. He was so scared, Gabby. So alone. This myth, this legend throughout the cosmos, was scared. He had the entire world on his shoulders, and all he wanted to do was help others. Samkiel doesn’t care about himself. He never did. He was prepared to train armies and do anything to keep everyone safe, and there he was, breaking. I knew it then.”
Gabby looked at me as I continued to watch. “Knew what?”
Fear squirmed through me, but I said it. “That I love him.”
Gabby’s eyes softened. “Dianna, why is that a bad memory? Why lock it away?”
I stared at the memory of Samkiel and me. A part of my heart shattered again as I looked at Gabby.
“Because something else happened, too. I knew I would do anything to make sure he never looked like that again. I never again wanted to see that kind of fear in his eyes. Never alone.”
Gabby’s eyes softened. “Dianna.”
“It was just for a second that the thought crossed my mind. Only a second, but it made me the worst person in the entire world.”
“Dianna, love isn’t—”
I cut her off as the other me looked at her, too. “If Kaden had you and Samkiel? If he forced me to choose?” I took a shuddering breath. “I’d hesitate, and I did.”
“What?”
Logan burst through the door, the memory of Samkiel and me fading. This time, the room spun, taking us to the memory I had fought to bury deeper than most of the others. Silver City, a city of skyscrapers and lights, sparkled outside the large window. I kneeled on the floor, immersed in what was happening on the screen. Kaden spoke, Gabby in his hands.
Gabby shifted uncomfortably. “Why this?”
“I stayed when he had you. I stayed with Samkiel in that damn city even after I saw this. There was more I could have done. I could have been scouring the city, could have hunted until my feet bled, but I chose to stay. And then, I chose against my need for vengeance in Yejedin, placing Logan and Neverra’s safety over going after Kaden.”
I lowered my head and turned slowly toward her. The beast at my feet dissipated into smoke and crawled up my body, soaking into my soul. Gabby swallowed and took a step back. I knew my powers had come back, felt them fill me along with the pain of finally speaking about this. “Don’t you see? I let you die because I am selfish and cruel. Because I just wanted it to be over. For a split second, I wanted it to be over. You’d be dead, and Kaden would have no more power over me. I was just so tired of being used.” My face crumpled, tears blurring my vision. I had betrayed my sister, my heart, the one person I had loved the most.
