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There are still moments of uncertainty. An obese male who has had a cardiac arrest and hasn’t responded to thrombolysis … The chances of open-heart surgery being successful is always a balance of unfavorable odds. But Arya never shows a hint of frustration, she is the height of calm, and that has an effect on everyone, including myself.
I find myself drawn to her, intrigued by her, and hungry to know more.
“I am a tough head of department, Dr. Harris,” I tell her as I peel my gloves from my fingers, feeling the sugar crash after the hours of intensity and concentration. “Fair, but tough. I expect the best and in return I will push you, encourage you, and help you get where ever you want to be. I will be your biggest critic and your loudest supporter. If I think you made a mistake, I will tell you. Not to berate you, but so you can learn. Therefore, you should absolutely believe me when I tell you … today, in there, you were flawless, you were a pleasure to work with.”
I watch as Arya pauses mid unpeeling of surgical masks and gloves, her cheeks flush the softest of pinks and she gives me a smile that lights up her entire face.
“Thank you, Dr. Sansus. Really, that means a lot to me.”
“You’re welcome and so, in honor of our first successful surgery, it is a tradition that I buy you a drink. Are you free after work?”
If it were a tradition, it is one I had just invented, but I can’t help myself. The words have left my lips before I have time to think about them. I have this impulsive need to get to know her, to understand her, to make her smile again.
My heart skips a beat when she smiles and nods.
3
Being close to the center of the city, there were lots of places to choose from when it came to drinking establishments. Depending on your mood you could start throwing back tequila in Havana or feel the steady sexy pulse in the Blues Bros. I opt for an Irish bar that is always popular but not cool enough to be hip.
I like the atmosphere and prefer the bustle of people without having to push through a crowd or shout over the music. I haven’t exactly dressed for after-work drinks, but I always keep toiletries and a spare shirt in my locker so it is easy to have a quick freshen up before I meet Arya in reception.
“How was your second first day?” I ask her as we amble through the quietening high street.
“It was scarier than my official first that’s for sure.” She says with a quick laugh, and I turn to question her with a slightly raised eyebrow. She blushes a little. “If I, were you … I would have been so upset had someone hired me when I was on vacation. So, it was important to me that I made a good first impression. I wanted you to see that they had not made a mistake … and had you been here, the outcome would have been the same.”
“I was frustrated.” I admit. “Only because, as I am sure the same is for you, my work is my life. This surgical department is my whole world. More so than ever.” I add with a laugh that holds a tiny trace of bitterness. “Hiring someone new is an investment, hours of my time will be spent with that person and I don’t want to waste my time or theirs. But … to be fair to Jim … he made a great choice and to answer your unasked question … Yes, the outcome would have been the same.” I finish with a smile as I hold out my arm and direct her into The Shamrock.
She walks in first and is already untwirling her silk scarf from her neck. It tangles in the hair of her pony and I reach to untangle it for her. The move is instinctual, my fingertips grazing the nape of her neck before I can put thought into the action or ask myself whether it was appropriate.
My fingertips glide over her soft pearly skin and I watch her shiver instantly, goosebumps appearing involuntarily as her own hand pauses to allow me to unthread the pale pink silk from her blonde hair.
I feel the fission of a spark. I’m holding my breath and my heart thumps fast and hard, enough to make the world lose focus for a second … and then she steps out of my reach, turning and thanking me with a shy smile.
If our interaction affects her… she doesn’t show it so I pull myself together and follow her to a booth. I slip out of my coat and slide very ungracefully across the worn leather seat. The waitress ambles over, looking very unchipper as she takes our order. I choose wine; I don’t know why it surprises me when lovely feminine Ayra orders a beer.
“When in Ireland,” she says with a smile and I laugh.
“I never got into beer.” I reply, “Even in my college days. I drink coffee, water, and wine.”
“My ex was the same, she said it was too … bitter. She would swear she could taste the yeast. I personally think it can be refreshing after a long day but I can take it or leave it. I enjoy a glass of wine, but I need it with food otherwise I am the drunk one that sits in the corner and slurs to herself. Actually … I probably do that without the wine.” She laughs and leans back as our drinks are served, I watch condensation run down the side of her glass, pooling on the Guinness beer mat as her slender fingers curl around and she brings the rim to her lips for a light first taste.
She. Arya’s ex girlfriend. The open revelation of Arya’s sexuality shouldn’t have surprised me but it does. Arya doesn’t … look gay. Although now I come to think about it, I am not sure what gay actually does look like. I am sure that I have known many gay people in my life, but I rarely make a personal connection enough with anyone to know their sexual orientation. I absolutely do not ask at work; it is none of my business and I wouldn’t want someone to ask me about my own personal life.
But now Arya has offered the information freely it is mine to process. I envy her confidence and her directness to express who she is with no reservation. I just am not sure how it makes me feel suddenly about my own sexuality that I have never questioned before. I have questions that swirl around in my head … when did she know, how did she know, was she 100% gay, had she been with a man? Did she want to be with a man? Was she bisexual? Demisexual? Pansexual?
However, even with my lack of social graces, I do know that these are not appropriate questions to ask a colleague when out for a first-day celebratory drink. Arya is eyeing me, watching and gauging my reaction and I realize the silence has lingered too long … I panic, hoping she knows it isn’t because I am homophobic, just curious about her and …
“I just divorced.” I blurt out before taking a large clumsy gulp of my wine, watching her eyebrows raise in surprise.
“I am sorry to hear that. Divorces are never easy, so I have heard. I have never made it to that level of commitment myself.”
I laugh, “I was the same. Said the same, felt the same. But it somehow just happened, times were a little different twenty five years ago. There was an expectation to marry, it was the norm, even for those of us that were so career focussed. I did it and I don’t regret it, but … it has certainly left me feeling out of sorts with the world right now. Or rather, my place in the world right now. It is why I wasn’t at work for a few weeks. I needed some time, I guess that is why Jim hired you. I told him I would be back, but there were moments when I doubted that myself so I can’t blame him for being unsure too. I guess you heard me in my office when I was … frustrated with him. It wasn’t about you personally. I didn’t even know who you were, not even your name, it wasn’t a personal issue … more that I felt replaceable. Un-missed. Like even the one place in the world that I thought I was needed … really I am not.”
She pauses before replying, sitting back in her seat so her shoulders rest against the smooth leather curve of the booth seats. It is like she is weighing up all I have offered her and is formulating her response based on the sum of all she knows. I find myself waiting with bated breath to see what she will say, hanging on her every word.
“I can understand that. I also think it is a testament to you, how good you are that your whole department can function without you. It shows that you have built a team that works without a head figure when it needs to. Although, I think you underestimate the amount you were missed. Everyone I met spoke very highly of you and they all told me how much they learn from you, how you push them to be the best that they can be. If I had heard that from just one person … maybe I would think they were biased or a couple might make me think you had your moments. But literally every single person. And not even just from cardio surgeons. Nurses and doctors from other departments told me how lucky I am to be in your department. So, yeah, without gushing too hard and making it awkward … I think you may underestimate how much you were missed.”
I feel the hint of a blush spread across my cheeks. I don’t seek validation often, if I need it, I can find it in graphs, figures, lives saved, employee retention, things like that. But to hear it from another human, unprompted. It feels good, nice.
