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“Okay. I am here.” She says softly, sitting on the armchair opposite me and I take a deep breath.
“Matt called. Don’t worry, he is fine and I am fine. It was to tell me that his father passed but they weren’t really close it was more of a courtesy to me I suppose, maybe he was looking for a little comfort too, I am not sure but anyway, he called.” She nods slowly in response.
“Okay … but you are, okay?” She questions.
“Yes, I am okay, but he asked me, Arya. He asked me if I had moved on and the honest truth is. I have.”
I see her let out a breath she has been holding. “Well, that’s great news. You had me worried I thought that something bad had happened.”
“No Arya, not bad,” I say as I move to her, making my way across the room to close the distance, I take her hand in mine as I look deeply into her eyes, hoping she can see straight into my soul at this very moment.
“But it made me see, what I have known for a while. I love what we have Arya. The way we work together, our friendship, the way you make me smile and laugh, how you touch me, how I touch you, and the hours that we lose ourselves in each other. I love all of those things because … I have fallen in love with you. I know that you are afraid and it is okay to be afraid, but I think that we have something really really special and I can’t risk any more not telling you how I feel.”
I watch her expression as I pour out my heart. The moment I say I am in love with her, I see her face light up. Her eyes twinkle and a smile forms in the corners of her mouth. I think yes … she feels the same. This is it; I did the right thing. My mind fast-forwards a hundred miles an hour. My heart soaring as I reach forwards to kiss her, to love her, to adore every inch.
Then the expression of panic descends over her features and I watch her blue eyes darken and her smile fall from her lips. She moves her hand from my palms and the barrier of space comes between us like an impenetrable wall.
“Juliet. I can’t deny that I have feelings for you. Strong feelings. But I told you, I told you in the very beginning that I can’t give you that. It isn’t even about what I want. I can’t do it. I won’t do it to you. I won’t hurt you that way by making promises to you and then failing.” She stands, moving away from me. Her eyes are wild as she starts to pace back and forth, she is in panic mode, fight or flight.
“Arya. I am not asking for more than we have just to know that you see this as more than a casual situation that you are invested in it, in us, in the future.” I sound whiney like I am pleading, I feel weak and anxious but I don’t want this to be the moment. I don’t want this to be the end.
But I can see it. She shakes her head. Her eyes are filling with tears.
“I can give you stability. I can give you space. Whatever you need to make this work, I can be that person for you. You know I can.” I slide from the sofa onto the floor. Before I realize what I am doing I am on my knees looking up at her, my own eyes filling with tears as I plead, no, I beg for her to reconsider.
But it is too late.
“No Juliet. I can’t. I am sorry.”
She untangles herself from me. The tears stream down her cheeks silently, I don’t even think she knows how hard she is crying. It is like her emotions have no control but her mind has shut down, switched off.
She collects her bag from the kitchen counter. I don’t want to watch her leave but I don’t want to miss out last seconds together. I am still desperately hoping that she will see reason between here and the door.
But she doesn’t. She steps out of my life with soft footprints and a gently closed door. There is no scene, no shouting, no anger. But the pain is like none I have ever experienced.
The sun streams through the windows all day, bright and light. A constant reminder of where we should have been. At the lakes, eating exotic fruit, laughing, flirting, being in love whilst not saying it.
Instead, I just lie broken on the floor.
I can’t breathe without her. My tears engulf me.
So this is what a broken heart feels like.
13
I thought I had experienced pretty low lows following my divorce, but this is a different ball game. At least then I didn’t have to pretend so much. I was allowed to be sad, people understood. They made allowances for the lack of makeup, the bird's nest hair, the crazed expression.
Now I suffer alone and in silence. No one knew about Arya and me, so there is no one to tell. There is no one to talk to and all the things that had made us so amazing, the way she fit effortlessly into every aspect of my life … well now every part of my day held an Arya shaped hole.
I feel like I have faded to grey whilst the rest of the world around me continues to sparkle in vibrant colors. I eat my lunch alone in my office, I no longer venture down to the cafeteria. That is when I even remember to eat.
I am getting skinny and I didn’t wear it well. It makes me look gaunt and older and my clothes hang from my frame. I see so much difference in my face when I look in the mirror, the glow and the vibrancy that Arya gave me is gone. I think my colleagues must think I am ill and it seems like the best reason to explain my complete change in behavior so I make up a lie that I have been feeling sick - maybe a food intolerance- and I am waiting for results.
It brought me some time to get my act together. I could start eating properly. I could put some weight on and start looking after myself. Except I didn’t. I spiraled harder and further.
I saw Arya usually once or twice a day in the hospital. Sometimes those encounters were just that. A brief passing and nothing more. Other times were hours spent in surgery together. What had once been a highlight of my working career was now time filled with dread.
We worked exactly as we did before, effortlessly, and it was the forgetting in those seconds that made remembering just so much harder to bear. I wanted to shake her, to scream, to shout. Then I wanted to ask if she missed me too? Did she ache for me? Did she reread our messages over and over? Did she dream of my touch?
