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“I would have answered,” I reply honestly.
“I think I knew that but you know, my pride didn’t want to test it.”
I appreciate his honesty.
“Well, either way, you got me. Everything okay?” I ask as I sit down on the sofa,
It is an early Saturday morning, we are both off but Arya is out at the market. We are heading out of the city for the day to relax at the lakes for some much-needed nature time, but she insisted we need to take a picnic so she is in charge of refreshments.
“Well, there isn’t really an easy way to say this so I will just say it. I know me and him weren’t exactly close and we hadn’t seen him in at least ten years. But I felt like you would wanna know Jules, Pop passed away a couple of days ago. Apparently, he had cancer a while and knew it was coming but … yeah. I am not going to go to the funeral or anything. I mean he didn’t call to tell me he was sick, you know. But I just wanted to tell you. Seemed like the right thing.”
Matt was right. We hadn’t seen his father since Matt’s fortieth when we drove down only to find him very unhappy to see us as it coincided with his poker game. It was the last straw really; Matt didn’t have much emotional attachment to his father in the first place. He had been out of his life much more than he had been in it so for him it had been an easy decision to make.
I had pushed the subject a few times but Matt was insistent that he felt no ill feelings but he didn’t want that emotional baggage hung around his neck any longer. It seemed his father felt the same as he never reached out, there was no more contact just an end of a relationship between the two.
“I am sorry to hear that Matt. I know your relationship was strained but even so. I am sorry that he’s gone. No matter what his faults he was your father.”
Matt sighed heavily. “Thanks, Jules. It feels strange you know, but I am okay. Maybe I shouldn’t have called …” His voice petered off which left the statement hanging like a question.
“No, I am pleased you called and told me. Not much I can do but I am glad you thought to let me know.”
“I think of you a lot, Jules. I know what I did … I know I hurt you. I know that I broke us beyond repair. But I still miss you. I still go to call you and then I remember I can’t. I hate what I did to you, to us. I hope you know that.”
I sit back in the chair. I did know that, I knew Matt regretted hurting me, but it doesn’t change things. I have moved on. When I speak to him now, after all these months the feelings are of a kind of love but not the love that we had once had.
“I know Matt, I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. And I think that if I were, to be honest, and fair, I could take more responsibility for the part I played. Your actions hurt me deeply, but they were just the symptoms of the deep cracks within our relationship. I was not the best wife to you. You deserved a lot more than I gave you.”
“No Jules … don’t do that. We had problems sure. All couples do but that was both of us. We both needed to work harder. I took the easy option.” I can’t help but smile.
“Don’t let Amber hear you call her the easy option.”
“Oh, well, we broke up Jules.” I feel my eyebrows raise and a small shock inhale. “Yeah, we just weren’t the right fit long term you know? I tried, especially after you and I … well anyway. It was a joint decision, no hard feelings. Just went our separate ways.”
“I am sorry to hear that Matt. Really I am. All I have ever wanted is for you to be happy.”
“I know. Are you? Are you happy Jules?”
I pause and look around my small downtown apartment. There are touches of Arya now. Her scarf is on my coat stand. One of my mugs is now her mug. A book she is reading is laid on the arm of the chair and the fruit bowl contains items I have never bought in my life.
“I am, Matt.”
His voice goes quiet like he doesn’t want to know but he can't stop himself from asking. “You moved on?”
This is the moment I know that I cant continue with Arya the way that we are with my feelings unsaid and the future so unknown. I saw a picture once on social media of a glass cabinet and inside all the plates had fallen to the front and were now, unbroken but resting against the door. The caption was, “me keeping my emotions in check.” And I had laughed.
But someone far wiser than me had commented with the advice of opening the cabinet door. Their reasoning was that right now, every day you were waiting for the disaster to come, knowing it was inevitable that either I would open the door, someone else would open the door or the force of the plates would finally force it open of its own accord.
They explained that right now there was only limbo and there could be no moving forward, unable to use a single plate. But if they were to be brave and slowly open pull the handle, the worst that could happen would have happened. Then you can only move forwards and maybe, amongst the shattered pieces of porcelain one plate may have made it. And already you were better off than you were before.
It is, in a long-winded way, how I feel now about Arya. The not knowing, leaves me in limbo. I can’t move forwards with her or start and see how my life could function without her whilst I am keeping the door to the cabinet firmly sealed.
“Jules?” Matt asks again and this time I don’t hesitate.
“Yes, Matt. I have moved on.”
Maybe she sensed a change in atmosphere when she walked through the door but either way, when she comes home Arya has her serious expression on. “Let me just put this stuff away.” She says before I have even said a word and I realize that perhaps it is me who has the serious expression.
So I wait for her to put the bags away and unpack all of the shopping that should have been going straight into the picnic hamper. She is slow and methodical and I watch her without seeing her. My mind already tries to form the words to make the sentences I need to say.
