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“It’s okay to be sad and angry about that, you know. Or however you feel about it. Just because you lived in a big house and had a pony, doesn’t make it okay. I’m sorry you went through that.”
Vic looked across at Julia as though Julia was the first person in the world to validate her feelings. “Thanks,” she said quietly.
“You are welcome,” Julia said back.
They rode for a couple of minutes in silence, both of them thoughtful. Julia couldn’t stop thinking about Vic as a young, feral child crying and crying when her nanny who loved her was taken away. How selfish some people could be as parents to not think of the effect their behaviour might have on a child. Here was Vic, years later, nearly 40 years old, having never had an adult relationship for fear of anyone she dared to love being snatched cruelly away from her.
“I know you are scared,” Julia said quietly. “But just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean they will be taken away.”
“Are you sure?” Vic looked at her suddenly. “What about Helen?”
Julia felt like she had been shot in the heart suddenly. She closed her eyes for a second.
“Fuck, sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Sometimes I just say stuff that I shouldn’t. I can’t help myself. I’m sorry.”
Julia took a deep breath. “It’s alright. Losing Helen was the hardest time of my life. I thought that I wouldn’t be able to go on without her. But, you know, I’ve come to terms with it. I know she is still with me on some level. I know she still loves me.”
“How long were you with Helen?”
“Most of my adult life. We met at uni. She was my first serious relationship really. There were other women before, but nothing serious.”
“Always women for you?”
Julia nodded. “Yeah, I always knew. I was never in any doubt. How about you?”
“Well, there’s been both men and women. I would have always said I was bisexual, now, suddenly I have no idea what my sexuality is.”
“Why not?” Julia asked, curious suddenly.
“Since you. Since all I can think of is you.” Vic moved the horses closer together and put a hand on Julia’s right thigh. She could feel Vic’s hand burning through the material of her jeans.
She felt her heart racing.
“I feel like nobody else ever counted before. I was just drunk. I had fun. I could never imagine ever being in a real relationship. I feel like I’m 18 years old now, starting from the very beginning. I’m just so scared I’ll fuck it up. Like I won’t be enough for you.”
“I promise you, Victoria Grey-Hughes, you are an incredible woman, you will be more than enough for me.”
There was another minute of quiet before Vic said, “Whoa,” and brought the horses to a halt, then she moved Satan closer so that her left leg pressed against Julia’s right leg. She turned and leaned out of her saddle putting her left hand to Julia’s cheek and held her face and kissed her deeply.
Julia felt it rush though her body as she kissed Vic back, leaning as much as she could whilst clinging on to God’s neck strap. Julia felt a warmth flooding between her legs and she could feel the seam of her jeans pressing against her clitoris as she leant forwards in the saddle.
The kiss ended, but Vic’s hand was on top of Julia’s on the neck strap. The sun was setting in the distance, and Julia realised they had been out for a couple of hours.
“So, I was thinking we could head back to the lorry with the horses, then maybe, if you wanted to, you could come back to the castle with me tonight?”
Julia knew exactly what that invitation meant from the look in Vic’s eyes. It meant that the sex that they had so nearly had over the past couple of weeks was being suggested to her.
Julia nodded.
“I can’t think of anything I would like more.”
13
It was nearly dark as they walked up the steps in the castle together. Naomi had taken the horses back to the stables. Vic held Julia’s hand and Vic could feel her clammy palm and her nervousness in the same way she felt it in a nervous horse or dog. Vic wondered again if she was doing the right thing, but she knew she wanted to. She really, really wanted to and she was sure Julia did too, despite how nervous she seemed.
“I just… I need to check on Hyzenthlay. She has had the nanny with her, but I just want to make sure she is okay.”
“Of course,” Julia smiled at her, and her brown eyes were warm. Her dark hair was so shiny and glossy in waves around her face.
