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“Well, let’s explore,” Vic said happily. The horses walked along now calmly and Julia began to feel a lot calmer about the whole experience.
“I was born in the UK, but I actually grew up in New York. My mum is from the US and when my parents broke up, we moved back over there so mum had family support.”
“When did you come back over here?”
“I came over to university in London. International Politics.”
“How did you end up studying something like that?” Vic asked, looking over. The horses continued to walk calmly along. The park was beautiful and full of people walking or sitting. Julia noticed the attention they drew and realised it was probably their big, beautiful horses that were being admired. Julia knew if she had been sitting in a park, she would have admired horses like that if they walked past.
“Well, my mother is a passionate feminist and incredible single mum. I guess it was from her I developed an interest in politics. Then when I saw what a mess it all was and how much it was the domain of the straight, wealthy, white man, I became passionate about making change. And for that, I had to be in it—I had to know it all well. I worked for a top female politician for years and now for the Queen. I couldn’t ask for better roles. Both are for incredible women who are making changes, not just for the UK, but for the world.”
“You never thought of becoming a politician yourself?”
Vic seemed calm and relaxed today in a way that Julia hadn’t really seen her before. Every now and again she would correct one of the horses, with a calm voice, or a gentle hand or movement of her body. Julia was in awe of her skill and of how the horses responded to her.
“No. It isn’t for me to be the face of things. I want to be the shadow of the famous politician, there in the background, helping, affecting change. I like devoting myself to someone else. I don’t have the desire in me to become a public figure myself. See now, if I go out anywhere on my own without the Queen, nobody recognises me, I can live my own life. If I was a politician myself, I put myself on a pedestal to be known wherever I go and to be shot down. I would never want to live like that. I greatly admire Alexandra and others like her who sacrifice so much of their privacy and their own sanity for the greater good of their country and the world.”
Vic nodded. “I can see that. The level of fame I had after the Olympic gold was nothing like that, but it was still such an invasion. I get recognised occasionally now and still I feel like I just want to be left alone.”
“I watched your Olympic win.” Julia looked at Vic, who looked suddenly shy and almost vulnerable. “You were amazing, you know?”
“Ah, no, I just… well, I had an amazing horse. A horse that made it worth it. The whole experience was a lot of pressure. Being on the British team is a lot of pressure, a lot of people interfering and trying to tell me what to do. I hate that shit. Honestly, I found the experience lonely. There were many nights when I was alone in a hotel room wondering what I was doing there. The horse made it worth it though.”
“Do you ever think about going after something like the Olympics again?” Julia asked her, quietly.
They had headed into the trees and suddenly there was just the two of them and the horses. The quiet sounds of the horses breathing, the sounds of twigs snapping under their feet. Julia realised she was enjoying the rhythmic predictable movement of God’s walk.
Vic sighed. “Well, I always said no, I wouldn’t. I always said it wasn’t for me. Until recently, with Satan. Well, he is just so good. He reminds me of Excelsior. He makes me think it might be worthwhile going after big goals like that again. But, um, well, I haven’t told anyone that, so maybe don’t tell anyone. It might not come off, anyway. Anything can happen with horses.”
“There’s nothing wrong with having big dreams, Victoria. I promise I won’t tell anyone.”
“A lot of people seem to think being a mother changes you as a rider. They think I don’t have it anymore, that killer instinct if you like, that competitive edge. Like, they think that you might become cautious and afraid as a rider.” Vic looked contemplative.
“And what do you think?”
“I think I still have it. Well, I know I do. I’m not afraid of anything. I still have the will to win if faced with competition. I adore Hyzenthlay. But I live a risky lifestyle and it wouldn’t be doing Hyzenthlay any favours to give up on such a core part of myself. The way I choose to live is everything to me.”
“I don’t think you should ever compromise on yourself as a mother. I think you are an incredible role model to Hyzenthlay. You remind me of my own mum, strong and uncompromising and loving and not afraid to fight for her daughter.” Julia thought back to the times she had seen Vic with Hyzenthlay.
“You think I’m loving?” Vic looked at her hopefully.
Julia smiled. “I’ve seen it, Victoria. You are so loving. You just have spent so long unable to love yourself and perhaps also unable to accept love for yourself.” Julia wondered if she was going too far, but there was so much she saw in Vic, so much she wanted to love and care for herself. “How is your relationship with your parents?”
Vic sighed again and Julia wondered if she would answer.
“Nonexistent. They never wanted me. I had everything a child could want—a massive house, a nanny to care for me, stables, ponies, a riding coach, dogs. But it wasn’t enough. I feel bitter about it sometimes. Like I should be fucking grateful. So many people have nothing. So many people have truly shit childhoods and here is me with my ponies and dogs and massive fucking house feeling sorry for myself.”
“Other people’s suffering doesn’t mean that yours doesn’t count, you know.”
Vic laughed sarcastically.
“You didn’t have love, did you? You didn’t have your mum or dad spending time with you, hugging you, reading you a bedtime story? What was your nanny like? Did she show you love?”
“Well, there were a few of them, the nannies. They were always young, like 20-something. They were kind and loving to me and they lived in the house with us and I would get so attached to them when I was younger. Then it all went wrong and they would get kicked out and replaced with another one. So, as I got older, I learnt not to get attached to them.”
“Why did it go wrong, Victoria?” Julia felt like she wanted to wrap Vic up in her arms and never let go.
“My father had a thing for young women. He would always end up having a sexual affair with the nanny then he would always get caught. My mum would be irate. The nanny would be kicked out and replaced with another pretty young thing and the whole cycle would repeat. Nobody seemed to ever care about what it would do to me.”
