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I actually found myself lifting my hand and rubbing a palm over my sternum, wondering if the things I felt were over the fact that I had always been alone even if I was surrounded by people. I wondered if I’d fill that gaping hole in my chest if I stopped running and accepted what life was now offering me.
Frustrated with myself, I laid on my back and stared at the ceiling, letting my gaze circle around a water stain right above my head, the shadows making it look even darker. Despite my best efforts, Cian's image and the rough sound of his voice popped into my head.
I started thinking about who he really was, how his life had been, and what it all meant to be the kind of creature he was. I was slowly trying to wrap my mind around all the supernatural things that had thrust themselves into my world, common sense and rationality waging war with me over it. These things aren’t possible in the world I live in.
It was the thought of Cian, the image of his big, muscular body, all that power I’d seen and felt through the phone, and the fantasy of him coming after me, chasing me because he had a claim on me, that filtered through my mind.
And I let myself be consumed by all things him as I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
12
Cian
The motel was small, situated with thick cornfields behind it and a stretch of deserted road in front of the building. A small light flickered above the front door, the NO VACANCY light hanging from the window in vibrant neon red that intermittently flickered, threatening to go out permanently.
It was late—or early, depending on how you looked at it—but I wasn't going to wait another moment to make her mine. I’d already waited so long for Evelyn.
After Odhran hacked into the GPS in Evelyn’s cell phone, pinpointing her coordinates, we’d set out. Every part of me hummed with the anticipation of seeing her face-to-face for the first time, of taking the scent of her right from the source.
Of telling her she was mine.
Odhran pulled the rental into the parking lot, the loose gravel kicking up under the tires. He pulled to a stop a good distance away from the actual interior of the motel. I thought about how she was feeling right now, how she was processing everything Darragh had told her. I wanted to comfort her, to make sure she wasn’t panicked, that she knew my entire life revolved around her and making sure she was happy.
Whether she believed in the supernatural or fated mates didn't matter, because she’d understand and believe it all soon enough. Because I wasn’t letting her go.
Odhran cut the engine, and we sat there for a moment in silence. I let my gaze move over the exterior of the lot, looking at each room, my focus finding the one I knew she was in, thanks—once again—to Odhran’s hacking skills.
I was a fighter, not a tech expert, and if I had been left to my own devices on this journey, it would’ve taken me a hell of a lot longer to track her down. But I would have eventually. So I was thankful for Rory, a tech expert in the Guard, who’d given me intel before I’d taken this trip, and Odhran’s skill set, because it made finding Evelyn faster and placated my beast.
“Are ye sure ye want tae do this?”
I looked over at Odhran, stifling the growl that would’ve risen up in my throat. For long minutes I said nothing, just stared at him within the dark interior of the car, knowing I shouldn’t say what was about to come from my mouth.
“Ye would have done anything tae get tae yer mate.” The words felt like acid from me, and as Odhran’s expression shifted to agony, I wished I could take them back, ask his forgiveness for bringing up his lost mate. For she may not be dead, but the fact that he’d had her for a moment in time and lost her was one and the same. “I shouldn’t have said that?—”
“No, ye’re right. I shouldn’t have questioned what yer plan is. It’s no’ my place.” He stared out the windshield again, his jaw working under his scarred, whisker-covered skin. “I would have—would do—anything tae have her by my side once more.”
“I kno’,” I said softly. The air was thick and heavy with melancholy. My throat was tight with emotion. I couldn't imagine or comprehend finding Evelyn only to have her taken from me. Yet here was Odhran, still surviving, forever searching, even though he’d lost her decades before.
He’d had my back countless times, saved my life on numerous occasions in war-stricken situations. He never questioned my motives, never went against how I did things. He was fucking completely loyal.
But as I sat here with the silence descending on me as if it was a weight on my shoulders, I knew what he pointed out was right.
Hunting down my mate like this wasn’t only going to make things worse. It might even push her away farther, make her run from me more. But I couldn’t stop myself, not when there was a fire in my body that told me if I didn’t do this, I would die.
I stared at the door of the room she was in, practically able to hear her pulse beating. The sound moved through the space that separated us, slamming into my body. I hadn’t even seen her in person yet, hadn't touched her, smelled her, made her mine… but she was already everything to me.
She had been before I even met her.
My heart outside my body.
My soul in physical form.
One part of me told me to wait until she came to me, that things would be better, that she’d trust me, that she’d realize we were meant to be together. Another voice told me to take action, to go to her, force her to see reason, that I’d never let her go.
They were two waging voices and emotions inside me, one a nagging, sinister part telling me she’d never want or accept me, that she’d never accept what I was. It told me I’d always be alone, but that no matter what, I’d be her shadow. I’d stay by her side so she’d never be alone, so she’d always have a protector. I’d rather be her silent protector and keep her in my life that way than never see her again.
That would be the slowest, most painful death imaginable.
