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"I can do it." I want to lift my chin like a defiant child, but that's just silly. "It's just going into town."
"Even small steps can feel big when they're brand new," Ruth-Ann says sagely.
I hug them both, full of emotion, and then sling my bag over my shoulder. When I head down the ramp from the ship to the docks, Zaemen is at my side. He shoots me a few odd looks.
"This is weird, if you ask me," he says.
"I didn't ask you."
"So let me get this straight. You're going to stay in town for a week just to prove that you can be independent?"
"Yes."
"Then you're going to come back. And you expect to be different somehow?" He eyes me. "Port is nice and all but it ain't life-changing."
"It's to prove I can be on my own, without anyone else." I try to keep my tone pleasant, but his questions are starting to irritate me. He doesn't get it.
"What's wrong with needing other people?" Zaemen shakes his head at me as we step onto the motorized walkway. "When I first left the cloning labs, I didn't have anyone I could count on. I was separated from the others in my pool and sent to work by myself in a deep, dangerous part of a mine. They figured since I was a clone, that it wouldn't matter if I was lonely or bored. Because I didn't matter. Having friends around? Having people you can count on? People that are around even when you annoy them? That's a keffing gift."
I hear what he's saying. And I get it, I do. Finding my sisters and the crew of the Gaze— and Kazex—has been amazing. But they're not the problem here. I am. I need to prove to myself that I'm not a needy, useless person that can't stand on their own two feet. "I know," I tell him. "Which is why I'll be back. I'm not leaving for good. It's just a week."
"Mmhmm." He doesn't sound convinced.
We step off the walkway. "Just trust me. I need this."
The tiny town—if the cluster of buildings can even be called that, it’s more like two whole streets—spreads out before us. I already see people walking down the street, and an air-sled flies overhead. Somewhere in that cluster of buildings is Erzah's new building, the cantina to be. Somewhere on the street, there's the baking stall that drives Ruth-Ann absolutely bonkers. The air-sled parks not too far away and a human woman gets out. I don't recognize her face.
That's...kind of nice, actually. To see a woman that doesn't have my face.
There's a spring in my step when I head for the main street, only to be stopped by Zaemen. "You're good now?" When I nod, he continues. "So at what point do you want me to tell Kazex what you're up to?"
"Don't say anything to him. He'll figure it out soon enough." He's going to be hurt, but I'm hurt that he's leaving me.
Zaemen frowns fiercely. "You know he won't be happy."
"He'll just have to get over it." Even saying the words so callously hurts.
"If you say so." He hesitates and then gestures at me. "You want me to walk you to the boarding house?"
"No, I think I've got it." I smile and wave and then turn toward the street and march forward, resolute.
That resolution lasts for about a hundred feet. Because there are more people around. People inside the buildings. People on the street. Not tons, but just enough to make me nervous. They all stare at me, too. Part of me knows it's the piercings and the mohawk, but it still sends my anxiety soaring. What do they see when they look at me? Do they see a clone? Are there more Ruths here that I'm unaware of? Or are they just staring because I'm a stranger with a lot of face jewelry?
As I take a few more steps, I see an alien cross the street. It's one of the avians, and it reminds me that this isn't Earth. This isn't home. Panic makes me breathe harder. What if someone sees me walking alone and enslaves me again? What if they take me away? What if I lose everything?
What if I lose Kazex?
What if I lose my freedom?
Panic floods through me, and each step forward that I take feels enormous. Terrifying. I'm walking away from the ship, my friends, everything.
It's only a week, I remind myself. Just a week. You can do this.
Sweat trickles down my neck, even though it's a cool day. This place is safe. There are no slavers. I chant the words silently even as my breathing quickens and I grow more anxious. No slavers. No slavers. I can do this.
A woman comes out of a door into the street and nearly runs into me. We both squeal in alarm, and I nearly pass out.
