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“I would love to, but I do not know how to go about it,” I confess. “A’ani are not trained in the wooing of females.” If anything, we’re trained to ignore them as much as possible. That they’re not for us.
“If you want my advice,” Ruth-Ann continues, “you establish a special word.”
“A special word,” I echo, trying to understand what she means.
She nods. “A word that doesn’t come up in regular conversation. Like, say, ‘noodle.’ If you’re getting intimate and one of you says ‘noodle,’ then that tells the other person ‘I’m not having fun anymore and I want to stop.’”
“Then why wouldn’t you simply say ‘stop’?”
Ruth-Ann pats my hand. “Because sometimes what we say in bed isn’t what we truly mean.”
That…makes no sense. “So I should not listen when she says I should stop? Only when she says ‘noodle’?” I lean in close, whispering. “What if we’re in the dining hall and someone else says ‘noodle’?”
She closes her eyes and then opens them again, her expression chagrined. “Listen. You two decide on a word for just the two of you. It’s a word that means the ultimate safety, okay? That no matter what is being said, this ultimate word means we’re stopping everything. What the word is doesn’t matter as long as the two of you know it. You’re getting hung up on details. What I’m trying to tell you is that you establish this word, and then you take charge. You quit asking her what she wants and you tell her what you’re doing, instead.”
“Aha,” I say wisely, as if this answers everything. It doesn’t, but I don’t want Ruth-Ann to think I’m stupid.
She shakes her head, waving a hand. “You’re not getting it. If you wanted to give Ruthie a hug, what would you do?”
I wonder if this is a trick question. “I…would ask her if I can hug her?”
“Exactly. And then Ruthie will start thinking about it.” She twirls a finger in the air near her ear. “And her brain is going to go into overdrive trying to think through all the possible ways this could be bad or good. It’s going to make her freeze up and she won’t be able to decide for herself, so she’s just going to say no.”
I stare at Ruth-Ann, stunned. It feels as if she is accurately describing my relationship with Ruthie, all right. I reach for her and she hesitates. “So what do I do?”
“It’s how you frame it.” She gestures at me. “I’ll be you, and you be Ruthie. Okay? Now the topic of the hug comes up again.”
I brace myself, trying to be Ruthie, trying to think like the female I love.
Ruth-Ann puts a hand on mine and looks me in the eye. “Ruthie, I would really love to hug you right now. If that’s not okay, tell me ‘noodle.’”
I wait for the big secret.
She leans back. “That’s it. That’s how you ask.”
“That’s…all there is?”
She nods. “You tell her what you’re doing and ask if she’d like to participate. She can opt out if she wants, but if you’re presenting it to her as something that you’re doing, it takes the responsibility out of it for her. It’s not on her shoulders to decide. The only thing she has to decide is if she wants to participate or not.”
It seems too simple. “And you’re certain this will work?”
For the first time in our conversation, Ruth-Ann falters. “Well, no. I’m not a hundred percent sure. But Ruthie is like me in a lot of ways and I overthink everything, too. And a lot of the time, I really wish the person I liked would just walk up to me and attack me with kisses.”
Huh.
“I’m not saying you force her into anything,” Ruth-Ann continues. “Just quit giving her the opportunity to think things through. Force her to think with her gut.”
And attack her with kisses…after I get permission, of course.
But I’m not asking for permission. I’m demanding to know if she’s interested. I suppose that’s the difference. Asking versus demanding. And Ruth-Ann seems to think one will work better with Ruthie than the other.
I think about when we were together in the med-bay and she sat on the table and watched me while I took care of her. There was a look of such intense longing and yearning on her face, and she practically vibrated as if she wanted…something.
What if she doesn’t know how to answer when I ask? Is that what the problem is?
I will have to consider this carefully. The last thing I want is to push Ruthie into a situation that she feels uncomfortable in. I need her to be comfortable with noodling.
Kef, I hope Ruth-Ann is right.
CHAPTER
NINETEEN
KAZEX
After we leave the custodial office, Ruth-Ann peels off to go wander around town. Erzah and I pause in front of the unassuming storefront that will soon be his, and I'm impressed at Erzah's ambition. This place looks like nothing to me, but when he looks at it, he sees a cantina. I appreciate that he dreams big. Well, bigger than me, anyhow. I like who I am and the job I do. The only thing I yearn for is Ruthie to finally hold a hand out to me.
