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I blinked at her, hoping I’d misheard. “You want me to take them?”
“Well, she is your mother, too, after all. I’m sure you’ve been to see her over the years.”
“No,” I said. “I haven’t. I’d planned to hopefully never be in the same room as that woman ever again.”
“Well, I—”
“I’m sorry, Delia, but I won’t do it. I go out of my way to be there for the children, but this is asking too much.”
Panic and anxiety mingled within me, growing larger by the second. Suddenly, the dusty, cluttered study felt stifling. I needed to get out of there. Pushing open the door, I stumbled out into the hall and headed for the front door. I was almost at the garden gate when I heard someone come out after me.
“Maggie,” Vivi called. “Wait!”
I turned, finding her blue eyes bright and emotional. She knew. She knew Mam wanted to see her. “Did Delia talk to you about visiting Mam?” she asked, and there was so much vulnerability in her voice it almost broke me.
“Yes.”
“And are you going to take us? I told Delia I could bring the little ones, but there needs to be someone over eighteen to sign us in.”
“Do you want to see her?” I asked. Some part of me imagined Vivi would want to visit Mam about as much as I did, but maybe I was wrong. In fact, I knew I was when I saw the hopeful look in her eyes. She wasn’t like me, not yet. She still had some faith our mother could be redeemed.
I hated she was going to be gravely disappointed on that front, hated knowing one day the hope in my little sister’s eyes would die, leaving nothing but an empty space behind.
The absence of a parent’s love could never be filled with other things. It just sat there, forever vacant, no matter how much happiness you might find in other places. No matter how many new people might love you. You still yearned for the original love, the love that should’ve automatically been there but just wasn’t.
Vivi pulled at a loose thread on her cardigan. “I just thought, well, maybe it would be good to see her. It’s been such a long time, and I … I miss her.”
I swallowed thickly, pushing down all my feelings as I stepped forward and threw my arms around Vivi’s small shoulders. There were so many things I wanted to say to her. Like, Don’t you understand what she did? The lives she ruined and stole? Families destroyed? She can never love you, not like you want her to. Believe me, I’m a cautionary tale.
But I didn’t say any of that. Vivi had to come to the realisation on her own. If I tried to force it, I’d only succeed in pushing her away.
“I’ll take you, then,” I said even while everything inside of me screamed it was a bad idea. I’d been doing so well to maintain a balance in my life, and seeing Mam could disrupt that entirely. It might plunge me back into the horrible past I’d tried to forget. But I needed to be strong. For my little sisters and brothers, I would be.
Vivi’s face practically lit up. “You will?”
“I’d do anything for you,” I said and squeezed her tight. “Never forget that.”
When I left, I walked aimlessly. I didn’t even realise where I was going until I found myself on Shay’s doorstep. It was late evening, and I couldn’t see any lights on in the living room. His dad’s car wasn’t parked outside either, which meant they’d probably gone out somewhere.
I pressed the doorbell anyway and, to my surprise, heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Shay answered the door, his hair messy and his eyes a little bleary.
Had he been taking a nap?
He wore a sheepish expression, like he was sorry for looking dishevelled. Sometimes, I found it so attractive how unaware he was of his own handsomeness. And I felt desperate. Knowing I was going to see my mother had a lot of negative emotions bubbling up in me. Emotions I urgently needed a distraction from.
Acting on instinct, I stepped close to him and threw my arms around his neck.
“I need you,” I blurted, then planted my lips on his.
A sharp breath hitched in his throat. He obviously hadn’t been expecting me to kiss him, but I wasn’t lying. I did need him. I needed him more than ever.
“Is your dad home?” I asked, breathless, momentarily breaking the kiss. Shay shook his head and relief filled me as I pushed the door shut behind us. “Let’s go to your room.”
His eyes were full of questions, but I didn’t let him think about it too hard because I kissed him again. Suddenly, he was lifting me, his mouth never leaving mine as he carried me upstairs. Moments later, I was on his bed, and he was above me. I wrestled with the fly of his jeans before sliding my hand in and cupping his warm, thick length. He was rock hard, and a zing of electricity zipped through me to be able to affect him so.
