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I blow out a breath…and that’s when I realize it’s one question I really don’t have the answer to.
CHAPTER 5: LINCOLN
I promised my mother dinner out, but I’m not quite ready to head out just yet.
I’ve gotten nothing done today.
Well, unless you count reading Rivera’s article thirty-seven hundred times. That I managed to accomplish.
Thank God my team has the day off because I’d be fucking worthless if I had to actually coach them today.
I’ve tried. Really. But as I watched film ahead of this Sunday’s matchup, my head isn’t in it. My mind keeps wandering to Jolene and whether it’s really, truly over or whether it’ll never really be over between us.
How can it be when it’s this strong?
I suppose we should’ve suspected all along that it would be our families and our histories that would tear us apart. Still, I thought we were so strong that together, we’d find a way to build a bridge. We’d find a way to mend the past.
And now…it just feels like all hope is lost.
The hardest part for me is the profound sense of loss I feel. It’s not just Jolene. It’s Jonah, too, and it’s the future the three of us could have built together. It’s the loss of hope as I looked toward a life with the two of them and the possibility of adding more kids someday down the line. It was the first time I ever wanted that. And I wanted it with her.
Without her…everything just feels so bleak. What’s the point of any of this?
I’ll never be a father. And maybe that’s for the best given the example my own father was for me, but I started to feel like I wanted it. I wanted to build a family. I wanted to create a new generation, and the more I thought about it, the more I saw it with Jolene. The more I saw it as the vehicle that would bridge our families back together, back to what they once were…without my father, maybe.
But now I don’t see any of that. I don’t even see children in my future.
I can’t see myself now, at thirty-six, starting over. First, it’ll take some time to get over what I’ve lost. Then it’s going through the process of finding someone I want to spend a future with, which has only happened the one time in my entire life. Then it’s growing closer until we’re ready for the next step. And finally, it’s waiting the nine months that it takes to create a new life—if we’re so lucky and blessed.
It’s just not in the cards for me, I guess, and it’s one more thing to grieve.
Along with losing my father.
I suppose I lost him back when I was a teenager, though I didn’t know it then. It feels real this time. I punched him—twice now—and I feel a deep sense of rage when I think about what he did.
You don’t just get over that.
My mother is leaving him, and knowing what he did to me, to Jolene, to us—both past and present—is enough for me. He isn’t my father anymore. What he did isn’t something a real man ever would have done to his own son, and to blame me for it all when he really just wanted to find a way to oust his partner from their establishment hurts more than I can really put words to.
He lost a son because of his own selfishness. He lost a wife. And I wouldn’t be surprised if his other sons followed suit, but I won’t hold it against them if they don’t. I’ve always maintained that he was a different father to me than he was to them, and I still believe that. I’m not sure what, exactly, he has against me, but I suspect it’s the fact that I was unplanned and forced him to grow the fuck up when he didn’t want to.
That’s not my problem, though.
And now I’m old enough to choose to remove him from my life, and so that is what I will do.
Eventually I force myself to head home to meet my mother for dinner, and she’s waiting for me on the couch.
It’s nice having her here. It’s nice coming home to someone.
It should’ve been Jolene and Jonah.
I can’t help but wonder what she’s going to do now. Is she going to stay with Sam?
She won’t answer my calls even though I tried a few more times today, and my texts went unanswered, too.
Will it always be like this? Will she just…never talk to me again?
I considered stopping by Sam’s place on my way home, but I also know she might just need some time to cool down.
