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“Have you been there?”
He takes a sip of whiskey. “Not yet, but Jack has told me all about it.”
“Will Jack make the trip out to California?” He’d be a great subject to interview for the kind of behind-the-scenes content Marcus is looking for.
“He may stop by for a few days, but he’s got commitments here. Between Dalton Developments, his family, and now owning the team, he’s a busy man.”
“His family,” I murmur. “I don’t know how he does all this with two little kids.”
“He’s got an incredible wife and a stellar support team,” he says dryly, referring a bit to himself, I think.
“He does, but man, those years when they’re little are hard. With Jonah, I felt like I was always passing him off for work, but now that he’s seven, he’s a lot more self-sufficient in some ways and that makes things easier. He has opinions now and can tell me if he doesn’t like something. I just feel like moms can’t win. If we focus on our careers, we’re bad moms for not spending enough time with our kids, but if we stay home, we’re bad moms for not having something just for us.”
“Such a double standard,” he murmurs. “For the record, I don’t think you’re a bad mom. I think you’ve found a balance that works for you, and that’s something everyone is striving for in life, mom or not.”
“I’m a hot mess faking like I have things put together most days,” I admit, and he chuckles.
“You are not.”
I shrug and offer half a smile as if to say, yep, that pretty much sums me up. “You ever want that for yourself?”
“Being a hot mess that feels like I’m faking that I’m put together?” He shakes his head. “No. That doesn’t sound at all like me. Or you.”
“I mean kids,” I clarify.
“Oh.” He shrugs, and he looks uncomfortable for a beat. “I don’t know. Do you want more?”
We’ve asked the question to each other once before, and neither of us had an answer. Still, I think about where I’m at now in life compared to where I was when I had Jonah. He was a happy surprise, but I was sort of just at the start of my career. I was only twenty-six when I got pregnant, and I thought I had my future nailed down with Jeremy.
How wrong I was.
And now I’m in a different sort of boat where I don’t have my future nailed down other than in my career, but the thought of having a baby that has Lincoln’s eyes and my lips and his leadership skills and my people skills makes me want things with him I probably have no business wanting.
I don’t lay all that on him, though. It’s a lot.
“I think if I was still twenty-six and in the kind of relationship where we were planning to keep moving forward together, it would be easy to say yes.” I say the words carefully. “I love being a mom. It’s the hardest, most rewarding, most frustrating, most incredible thing I’ve ever done.”
“None of my brothers have kids,” he murmurs. “I think our parents fucked us up more than we ever realized.”
“It’s not too late.” The words are out before I get the chance to stop them.
His eyes meet mine. “Imagine the scandal that would be. New head coach knocks up family enemy team correspondent.” He shakes his head a little as an ironic laugh bubbles up from his chest. “What the fuck are we doing, Jo?”
I sigh. “I feel like we keep asking that same question.”
“We do, and all I know in terms of an answer is how I feel when I’m with you. My brain tells me to give it up. My brain says we’ll never find a way to make this work when there is so goddamn much at stake. But my heart…” He pats his chest. “My heart wants to find a way. And he’s winning.”
Hot tears spring to my eyes at his words as he basically summarizes everything I feel where he’s concerned.
I swipe my cheek, and he leans in and presses a soft kiss there.
“Where do you see yourself in five, ten years down the road?” I ask. I want to ask where he sees us down the road, but I’m too scared about what the answer might be.
He draws in a deep breath. “I don’t know. My contract with the Aces is for three years, and if I’m good enough to stay here for those three years, I guess I hope I’ll still be around beyond that.”
“You guess?” I ask, sort of surprised at the way he worded that. I assumed he wanted to coach until he no longer could.
“I was never allowed to have any interests outside of football. If I did, they weren’t nurtured. I didn’t have a playroom filled with toys when I was a kid. I had a basket filled with footballs, all different colors and shapes and sizes. And I love the game. I do. It’s my passion. But sometimes I wonder what else is out there, what else I might be missing out on. I got out of the game when I could no longer play, but I didn’t leave the game. Now it’s all game play and strategizing and play calls, and I love what I do. It’s just…sometimes I wonder what else there is. Maybe I’d enjoy traveling more if I could, exploring cities that I’m in for more than a few nights because I’m there for a game. But instead of using my offseason for travel, I sink my teeth into work since I have nobody to travel with. Maybe I’d enjoy woodworking or training for marathons or fishing. Maybe I’d play golf with buddies instead of with other coaches or work associates. Maybe I’d nurture friendships and relationships unrelated to the game, and I’d get to keep those friends when I leave for a new city.” He shrugs, and for the first time, I hear the loneliness in his voice.
