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She’s the only person I’ve ever had it with, and maybe she’s the only person I ever will have it with.
So now we need to move onto what comes next: the reality.
Can we make this work? Can either of us admit to our families what’s been going on?
I know exactly how my dad will take it.
And I also know I’m still harboring a rather large secret, and if she ever found out, it could mean the end of us—particularly if she ever found out that I knew and didn’t tell her.
I can almost see my dad telling her that I knew just to tear us apart for a second time.
I know what he’s capable of, and maybe I’ve sought his approval of me my whole life…but I’ve also spent much of my life fearing him. And I’m no psychologist, but maybe that’s a big part of the reason why I never really wanted kids.
And yet…
When I was sitting on Sam’s couch laughing with Jonah at that ridiculous Minions movie, I couldn’t help but feel an odd sense of joy I’m not sure I’ve ever felt before. We shared something that day, and he looked at me with something in his eyes I wanted to see again. I liked having him look up to me, and I wanted to say something to make him laugh again or do something to see that look on his face again like he was talking to his hero.
But this is Jolene’s kid. He has a father, and it ain’t me.
It’s not like the two of us can just start a life together and ride off into the sunset with Jonah on the horse beside us. We’ve got a rather heavy family feud to consider on top of it, and I know my mom wants grandkids, but I also know she’d never willingly accept a Bailey into her home even if he or she was half-Nash.
Never mind accepting a kid that’s fifty percent Bailey and zero percent Nash.
I hate that the thought of bringing that kid to the goat farm in New York crossed my mind. How could I ever really bring him there?
My parents wouldn’t accept him from the start, but I wonder what my brothers would think. Spencer might be the closest to being able to accept it given that he seems to have found someone himself. Asher is the closest to me geographically, but I have no idea how he’d take it. And Grayson already knows my feelings are still there after our weekend in New York. He hasn’t breathed a word to anybody, but he also hasn’t exactly followed up to see if I’ve taken action on anything yet. Still, when I told him, he didn’t exactly seem surprised.
Sometimes I think using our families and their history is a convenient excuse to avoid being together. But then I think of the reality of it, too. My father feels as though he lost everything at the hands of her father. How would I feel in that situation? It’s easy to say I’d get over it, but in reality, I’m not sure I would. He’s a stubborn grudge-holder, and he did his best to pass that trait down to his four sons.
And what about Bailey? He doesn’t know my dad intended to take him out that day in order to protect my future. But how would Joseph feel if he became privy to that information? How would he feel knowing the person at the center of why he had to endure years of physical therapy and never got to play professionally again is currently banging his daughter?
I can’t imagine he’d be too keen on it.
Maybe when I retire from coaching or maybe when she isn’t team correspondent down the road, we can revisit this whole thing. But for now, I have literally no idea how to make any of it work outside of our bubble.
“I was wondering where you went.”
I jump at the sound of her voice, and when I turn around, I find my beautiful Jolene standing there. She’s wearing just the blanket wrapped around her, and she looks sweet and sleepy as she stands in front of me.
“You scared me,” I say softly, and I don’t just mean now when her voice startled me.
I think I mean a whole hell of a lot more than that.
“Sorry,” she murmurs, and she walks around the counter until she’s standing in front of me.
I pull her into me and wrap my arms tightly around her, clinging to her as I try to banish away the negativity.
She rests her head on my chest as she wraps her arms around my waist. “What are you doing?”
“Thinking.”
“That sounds dangerous.” She offers a little giggle at that, but when she pulls back to look at me, her smile fades even though her arms are still around me. “What’s wrong?”
I shrug. “Everything is so perfect when it’s just you and me,” I murmur. “And then I let the outside world back in, and everything turns to shit.”
She presses her lips together. “What got to you?”
“Nothing. Everything. What are we doing?”
