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I might throw my ass in a circle on Thursday, but please believe I knew how to anchor in the Holy Spirit and cast out the same demons, the judging holier than thou saints thought I was possessed with.
Nothing vexed me more than a casting stone saint.
God gave us free will, so it was my choice to do my deeds, but best believe that if God needs a vessel on this earth to do something. If He needed an assignment to be fulfilled, His will be done.
“I know I say this every quarter when we sit down and go over your deals, but this is your year, Sunnie. Everyone wants a piece of Sunnie Austin. The world is your oyster, my friend.” Summer Grant has been my manager and PR Rep since I became a social media content creator back in college. Funny enough, she, Hillary, and I were quad dorm mates and friends at Florida State University.
Summer had dreams of being a PR to the stars and Hillary wanted to be a celebrity stylist. Each of us possessed something that the other needed and we took advantage of our skills to go into business with each other. It worked. We worked. All together we’ve seen how grimmy the industry can get, especially with those you called a friend. We managed to keep the drama and shiestiness out of ours and push each other to our fullest potential.
However, for the first time in our friendship, we were lost without Hillary. Confused how we missed the signs of her depression and struggle. Summer and I each had a letter Hillary addressed to us, but we hadn’t had the stomach to open and read them. Afraid we’d feel more jaded than our current grieving state.
“Do I have any outstanding contract obligations?” I could’ve easily pulled up my calendar and looked for myself, but then that meant becoming overwhelmed with the demand of having to answer to people.
Swiping through her iPad, she shook her head. “Meeting with the network to discuss the upcoming season of Bougie Baddies of LA, and then the shoot with MaKenna in a few weeks. I could push everything else back until next month. Are you going to be up to working by then?” Summer’s lazy brown eyes bore into mine.
Truth be told, I couldn’t stomach having to do anything of the sort right now. Thankfully, the liquor shoot with MaKenna didn’t require me to take off my clothes but be adorned in the latest fashion and diamonds.
Hyperaware of the fingers gliding across my thigh, I watched the muscles in Ezekiel’s back flex as he walked by. I’ve been in his space almost a week now, and we’ve skirted around the biggest elephant in the room that he refused to address with me. I had no problem giving him space, no problem with leaving after laying physical eyes on him. But, of course, he wanted something different.
He wanted me to stay and dwell in silence with him.
I could do that.
“After the shoot with MaKenna, I’m going to take a break. A long indefinite break from all the business I have with other brands than my own.” I paused, waiting to see if she would blow up. Summer had some spice to her, especially when she thinks you’re lowering your value or trying to make yourself small in spaces that require you to be a giant.
Reaching for her fourth cup of wine, she nodded. “That’s understandable. I honestly thought you would’ve made this decision years ago.”
That was shocking to hear. Scratching my brow, I ignored Ezekiel sitting across from me and tried to focus on Summer. “What made you say that?”
“This, your whole persona, it all started with you having fun in college. Exploring your sexuality. Living in a free spirit body… out of rebellion.” I didn’t know what to say but apparently, Summer had enough words for the both of us. “I know you, Sunnie. You went so hard out of rebellion and ego because of your parents.” Shit, that burned. “Parents aren’t supposed to have favorites and I don’t think your mom does, but she spent a lot of her time trying to fix things with Aleyah that you felt ignored a lot.” And there goes the first set of tears.
“Losing Hillary the way we did.” She tried to blink away her tears. “I started to take an inventory of all of my closest friends and loved ones. You being the main one. To us, Hillary had no reason to feel alone and like she didn’t matter, but she did. So, I started to analyze your life the best way possible.” She put her wine glass down and sat right in the perfect view of the camera. “Your success was built off of pride and vengeance. You wanting to prove to your mom and Aleyah that you were the better child. You had the most talent, you could make the most money, you had the better life. You had a better romantic life. You created this false illusion of competition between you and your sister that flipped you on your ass once you realized how shallow you’ve been.” Well, damn, Summer. Tell me how you really feel.
She started crying which made me start crying. Geesh, was my period about to come on cause what the hell?
“I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, Sunnie. I swear I’m not, but I know you’re hurt by the strain between you and your sister. Everything you thought you had to do to one-up her, she effortlessly shined brighter because of who she naturally was and never once tried to be anything but who God called her to be. Sunnie, I need you to take this time to get to know you. Not the Sunnie the world knows, but the true you.” She looked off from the screen to cry like I wasn’t sitting here in a puddle of my mess.
Closing my eyes, I prayed and asked God to let my truth speak freely. “Throughout my life, I’ve prided myself on my generosity, my open heart, and my unwavering willingness to put others before myself. Friends, strangers, colleagues—there’s no one I wouldn’t extend my hand to in their time of need. Yet, when it comes to my sister, that well of selflessness dries up, replaced by a tumultuous sea of jealousy and resentment. It’s a paradox that haunts me; the very blood that binds us seems to ignite these flames of animosity within me. Our shared history, instead of being a foundation of support, feels like a battleground of competition and comparison. Despite understanding the toxicity of these emotions, I find myself trapped in a cycle of bitterness and regret, struggling to extend the same compassion to her that I so freely give to others. It’s a conflict that underscores an uncomfortable truth about the nature of love and rivalry within the fabric of family.” As much as it hurt to admit, it was the truth. A harsh truth that I wish Ezekiel wasn’t a witness to.
Nodding her head as if she understood, Summer picked up her wine and cleared her glass. “That’s some sad deep shit, Sunnie. You’ve been very transparent when it comes to y’all relationship, and nothing adds up to the way you treat her. What’s really the issue, babe?”
I shook my head and bit my lip, trying not to cry harder than I already was. Admitting the ugly of my heart, I wasn’t ready for that. “Honestly, jealousy fills my heart when it comes to her.”
Her scrunched-up face and Ezekiel’s raised brows were just as confused as my reasoning. “Can you elaborate?”
“Aleyah has always been this carefree spirit. Her creativity felt holy, if that makes sense. People fall in love with the poetic floetry that flows from her lips. She’s heaven's wordsmith. She’s a magnet that people gravitate to.” Hence why I tried to limit her interaction with Ezekiel as much as possible. “I don’t have that. I don’t have the gifts that she has. She’s like the modern-day Job that refuses to ask me for my help in the midst of her suffering. My goal to set my parents up to never have to work another day in their lives is almost possible yet, I won’t do the same for my sister because I want her to come begging, crawling for my help. To say that she needs me. That my riches and wealth are good enough for her. And until that happens, I take pride in rubbing my success in her face. The one that everyone wants to be around, the one that everyone is protective over. She lives paycheck to paycheck, barely making it, and won’t ask me for a dime.” Angrily, I banged my fist on the table.
“She doesn’t have much to her name, but she walks around with a fucking smile. Has this glow on her face that women actually stop and ask her what’s the product and this bitch has the nerve to say its favor.” Tsk. “Yeah, fucking right. She likes to have her steps ordered and wait for God to give her direction while still suffering, and I prefer making my own way. She says she’s Godmade, well I’m self-made. Do you know how much it fucking strokes my ego when we go out and men give all their attention to me and not her?” The laugh I released sounded demonic and scary. I ignored the worrisome and fearful looks on their faces.
They wanted this.
They wanted my truth.
They wanted me to face my demons.
“When we go shopping I can buy without worrying about my bank account while she has to budget and window shop. I’m on one of the hottest reality shows in the world and she’s hoping to sell one book a day.” Now that tickled the hell out of me. “Oh, and can you believe I’ve been feeling guilty about not coming to her aid when she finally, fucking finally reached out to me and needed my help. Wherever she lived in Chicago, she needed help to move back home. That’s all she ever asked of me and I said no. Why? Because I enjoy knowing that she’s suffering. Having to crawl back home. Nope.” I popped my P and crossed my arms, snaking my neck.
“Where has being holier than thou got her? Where has thinking she’s better than me gotten her? Homeless, that’s where. No money, career about to flop, no man desiring her, no friends. Our mom hates that her precious Aleyah can’t find stability. My Dad pitied her. Her demise in life makes grieving Hillary easy.” I exhaled long and hard, rotating my shoulders. “You wanted my ugly truth, Summer, well there you have it.”
