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“I care so much about you, Ezekiel.” She sniffed, wiping her red eyes. “I promised your mom when this time came, I would be here. I’m here, Zeek.”
Hearing announcements in her background, I questioned her whereabouts. “Where are you going?”
“I’m coming to see you.”
I eyed my gun near my feet. “Don’t pity me, Sunnie Mae Austin.” Embarrassment had me unable to look her in the face.
“Have I ever shown you pity?” Her features had softened, and she was genuinely concerned.
“No.”
We stared at one another before another announcement came over the intercom. “My flight lands in three hours, Ezekiel, and you better be at the airport to pick me up. I love you so much.” Her voice cracked before she hung up.
Stunned all over again, I sat there for a while before my mouth felt weird and I had to rush to my bathroom to puke. I threw up everything until I started to dry heave from an empty stomach. I took a long hot shower until I stopped feeling disgusted with myself for allowing my shit to bring me so low. It’s like I came out that shower a brand new man. Curiously wondering how far I’d have to keep pulling the trigger, I checked the chamber of my gun and hung my head. Had I not answered Sunnie’s call I would’ve been dead. The bullet I’d been waiting for was finally up next and God intervened.
I’m not worthy of the mercy He showed me.
Playing my mom’s favorite gospel playlist she shared with me long ago, I cleaned my place, got dressed, and left. I had another hour before her flight arrived, so I stopped by Smoothie King to grab us smoothies. I wasn’t too sure how solid food would do on my stomach after consuming nothing but drugs for days. I had to play it safe.
Instead of waiting in my car, I decided to park and wait for her at baggage claim. People came and gone, making me nervous and gut riddled with threats of throwing up. Sunnie and I talked about a lot of things. We shared the good, the bad, and the ugly, but never anything like this. She saw me at my lowest and that had me on edge of what she thought of me and how she was going to perceive me going forward.
My dad losing respect for me is one thing, but my Sunnie Mae losing respect for me… I couldn’t handle that.
“Ezekiel!” Hearing my name being screamed across the airport, I looked up and watched this beautiful woman who was too good for me run to me. Run and jump in my arms.
I’m known for producing some of the most realistic love scenes in the adult business. My awards are proof. But us embracing in the middle of the airport, filled with emotions that no one outside of us could decipher, was a monument that I’d forever cherish above all the awards attached to my name.
“Thank you, Jesus. Oh, Lord. Thank you, Jesus.” She cried in my arms.
“You came. You came to me, Sunnie.” Even after talking to her on the phone, having her here in the physical meant everything to me.
After our hallmark reunion, we got her baggage and walked to my car. “Here. I got you a mango kale… Sunnie, what the fuck.” This damn woman hauled off and smacked the fucking gum out of my mouth. Stunned, I held my cheek glaring at her.
Taking off her shades, she revealed puffy red eyes and a red nose. Her chest started heaving as she burst into a loud sob. Her cries made me scared. Her cries weren’t normal. She cried like she was in pain, in agony.
“Sunnie.” I tried to console her, and she slapped the fuck out of me again.
“I know your mom dying hurts, Zeek, and I can’t even begin to imagine your pain but she…” She dropped her head to release a low sob. “She wouldn’t want you to end your life. You aren’t God.” She pointed a long-bedazzled nail in my face. “You can’t play God; you pray to God and ask Him to make you strong because you feel weak. Ask me or whoever else you trust to pray on your behalf. Damn it, Ezekiel. I-I… I can’t lose you too.” The harder she cried, the worse I felt for my stupid game.
Then it clicked. She’d just lost her best friend and roommate from suicide, and here I was on the verge of doing the same thing. Fuck. I was stupid. Lifting her in my lap, I cradled her to my chest and apologized. Rocking her, trying to soothe her pain, and apologizing. Even thanking her for coming to me without hesitation while she was still in mourning.
“I’m sorry, Sunnie. I’m so sorry.”
My mother and father stood over a mound of dirt. A cold, gloomy mist hung in the air. Dry tear stains on their solemn faces. Leaning down first, my mother opened her black glove covered hand and fisted a handful of dirt with my father following. Robotically, they turned and made their way over to a grave. Their fists opened and released the earth over the casket. Cold droplets of heaven's tears started to pour from the sky. Together, alone, they stood over my grave as men in tan uniforms used rusted shovels to cover my final resting place.
The pain of having to bury their child caused their tears to rival the hailstorm determined to whip my memory away.
No one else stood there with my parents. Just them. Freezing cold watching the mud blanket my new bed.
Where were my friends?
Where was my sister?
Where was my lover?
Like clockwork, my body awakened, and I lay there in the dead of night, struggling to breathe from the nightmare of dying unloved.
My parents were there out of obligation, so what happened to everyone else?
