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Fucking assholes were sneaking away for a hook up and interrupting mine. Not that this was a hook up. Or… What the fuck did I know? I didn’t have time for semantics.
I kept Kai in my grasp, moving slowly toward the door to open it. She softened her eyes as she moved with me, shaking her head and whispering little begs at me not to open it. “No. Please, Jonah. Why? Just tell me why.”
Painful. It was downright painful to force her away.
With my fingers on the handle, I looked into her eyes and murmured the very tip of the iceberg that had been lurking inside of me for years. “I do not have the luxury of trusting myself enough to know that I would be okay after this, Kai. I would not know how to keep going. You’re too important to me to chance it.”
“Nothing will ever come between us. You know that.”
“I don’t. I don’t know that. You… You act now and you think later because you like to feel. I think that’s incredible, but feeling is very hard for me. I don’t have as much practice bouncing back as you do.”
“Do you think I’d hurt you somehow?” She looked as if she’d been cracked open, pain leaking through the crevices. “Do you not trust me?”
Of course, I trusted her. I trusted her to live for herself, which she did so beautifully. I trusted her to be happy and free and smart.
“All of this may be entertaining to you, it may be a safe way for you to try things out, but for me, it feels like crossing a very serious line. A line you don’t cross with friends.”
She slapped her hand on the door, pausing my movement to open it. “Whatever you’re trying to protect yourself from, you already took from me. Just remember that.”
With that, she took her hand off the door and stepped away, putting a cold distance between our bodies. My heart broke. She was right. I had already seen her in her most vulnerable state, pulled it out of her myself, and I was treating her like absolute shit. But she’d get over it more easily than I would. She didn’t have love to worry about.
It destroyed me to know I’d hurt her, but I convinced myself it would be best in the long run. Letting her go in this way was infinitely better than ruining what we had. Even if it meant she’d find someone else. Even if someone else was Aaron. I could handle it if it meant she’d be happy, and that she’d tell me all about that happiness at the end of each day, or each time she called, or every time we met. I had no choice but to release her, to release myself. And so, I did.
I pressed on the handle, allowing the door to drift open. Oli and June’s faces dropped when they saw both Kai and me inside. Ignoring the cacophony of random words and questions, I pushed past them and started making my way down the hall. Kai didn’t follow.
My foot had hardly touched the first step to descend to the party when I heard my name called. Oli wanted me to come back, and he didn’t sound happy.
Fuck. I cannot handle this conversation right now.
I made no move, stepping neither forward nor backward. A hand landed on my T-shirt, gripping one sleeve tightly. It was June. “Get the fuck back here. What the fuck did you do to her?”
“No.” I couldn’t. I couldn’t handle it. Too much had happened. My mind spun. “No,” I repeated. “I’m done with this.”
I stomped down the stairs and returned to the back yard, immediately realizing all my friends were upstairs in the bathroom. I was alone at this horrific fucking event. I called a car and went home, falling asleep next to a bottle of whiskey that hadn’t been touched in months.
Chapter 37
Kai
“I’m done with this.”
I almost threw up. The tears that were already leaking down my face were nothing compared to the hope that withered inside of me when those words reached my ears. He couldn’t be done with this. We at least had to keep playing the game. I couldn’t go back to how we were before. I refused.
My legs dangled off the washing machine where I sat. Oli stood in front of me with his arms crossed. He heard it too, and if I hadn’t keeled over, he probably would have stormed down the hall and given Jonah a piece of his mind. Instead, he let my head crash into his chest.
Anyone. I could date anyone in the world, lose them, and know that I’d have that glimmer of hope, that foundation I’d so carefully crafted to stand on, and rise from the ashes. But Jonah? The person who held me upright when I could no longer do so myself? No. This was different. I could never recover from this. I couldn’t lose this piece of my support system. It just wasn’t an option.
If Jonah ever gave me that chance, I’d take everything he’d give me until my very last breath. And if I were so unlucky that his would come first, I’d remember him, love him just the same until sweet release allowed me to follow him.
But I was his friend. A friend he didn’t want to cross any lines with, apparently. And I was fucked. Fucked enough to paint myself with black tattoos and spend the rest of my life searching for something that could never be found. Perhaps Aaron and I could officially team up and speed toward death together.
Through the static, Oli spoke. “He’s in love with you.”
I peeled my hot forehead from his T-shirt and leaned back, looking up at my burly friend. The large swallow that tore through his throat and the way his eyes looked anywhere but my face let me know that he wasn’t entirely sure he should divulge such information, and that it might’ve been true. “He’s what?”
“In love with you.”
I laughed, almost hysterically, almost like a woman whose brain had turned to juice and leaked out of her left ear. “Jonah doesn’t love anyone. Not like that. Romance isn’t exactly his forte.”
