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“No, I’m not entirely sure I have.” I’d said I was plenty of times, and I certainly knew how to commit even when I shouldn’t have. But love? In the moment I believed I was right in the middle of it. But looking back, it became clear to me that love wasn’t meant to hurt so much. I’d cleared up my mind enough to know that. What I was still unsure of was what the fuck it was supposed to feel like.
Moving his stare down to the spot of floor in front of him, he began to speak slowly, thinking through his answer with care. “I love Thalia because when she gets worked up, I calm her down. And when I’m quiet, she pumps me up.”
“So, they change each other,” Aaron said, joining the conversation without an invitation. He flicked his charcoal hair to one side as he approached. “Love changes you, KK. Don’t get caught up in that shit. It’s just a mindless attachment that turns you into someone else and creates loads of stress.”
“No, it’s not, Aaron.” Briggs shook his head. “I think it’s a very fine line. But the difference is that when you love someone and they love you, the changes are positive and welcome. If you can’t understand that, I think it’s because you’re not ready to receive it.” He lifted his eyebrows at Aaron, who pretended to vomit on the floor.
“I am most certainly not ready, nor do I ever want to be. Plus, she doesn’t even love you back, dude.”
“Aaron!” I stood from my seat, my body entering defense mode for my sweet little Briggs who deserved the world and then some.
Aaron splayed his hands in front of him to question the air. “I’m just saying, KK!”
“It’s fine, it’s fine.” Briggs urged me to sit back down with a soft tug on the hem of my T-shirt. “Another thing about love is that it’ll always happen the way it’s supposed to, whether the other person sees it at first or not.”
Aaron groaned. “Oh, brother.” He pointed a finger to Briggs first, then to me. “You need to stop with the theoretical shit and the excuses and make a move. She’s just a girl. And you, KK, don’t leave me here. Who are you running off with?”
“No one!” I crossed my arms tightly and looked off to one side. “I was just curious.”
“If you get too happy, I’ll have no one to fester with.”
I snorted at that and unwound myself to stand once again, offering him a pathetic hug like a too small tortilla on an overstuffed burrito. “Don’t worry, Aar. There are some grievances that are mental, internal, and those don’t go away. We’ll always share those.” I poked him on the chest once.
Aaron began dancing around me like he was in some sort of Shakespearean death scene, clutching a hand to his chest and whining to the heavens. “Oh, I can see it already. You’re both going to put me in a penguin suit for your weddings. Buttons bursting, muscles suffocating...”
Briggs chortled from the bench. “Get a grip, dude.”
Aaron sighed and wiped the feigned worry from his face. “At least I know Kai will have hot bridesmaids. Pretty girls hang out with pretty girls.” He sent a finger gun my way.
“Rude thing to say, Aaron,” Briggs said. I agreed. While I had a lot in common with Aaron, I found a lot of his views to be super surface level and, frankly, stupid. But there was more underneath it all, so I kept his company still. He was a good person when he wanted to be, despite the number of exhausted sighs he provoked in me daily.
“It’s just a fact, B. Some people are pretty, some people are ugly. Kai is pretty, so her friends probably are too. Let’s be honest here.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, well my two best friends are guys.”
Aaron bounced his thick, black eyebrows. “Are they hot guys at least?”
“You’ll officially meet them at Briggs’ cookout,” I said—realized, coming to terms with the fact that there was a social event coming up which would involve mixing two of my circles. Something turned in my gut at the thought of Aaron getting to Jonah before me. Fuck. I shouldn’t have been thinking like that. Instead, I— Wait a second. “Aaron!” My spine stiffened up, and I gaped at him openly. “Did you just…come out?”
“I don’t come out, Kai. I come. In anyone, anything, anytime, anyplace.”
Oh, fucking gross. I let my face melt into a stink. “Duly noted.”
I weighed what Briggs said for hours after our conversation, mulling it over in silence as I made my lunch, showered, and sat down on the couch to edit some content. When he got quiet, Thalia pumped him up, and when she got worked up, he brought her down. They leveled each other out, I think he was trying to say. They kept each other close to what they wanted to be, they kept each other regulated.
Kind of like when I got lost in my emotions, staring blankly as I let life pass me by, and Jonah encouraged me to take action, encouraged me to see.
Or when he got lost in himself, closed off and cold, and I reminded him that life could actually be enjoyed, and that he deserved to relish it.
Chapter 27
Kai
After a day of overthinking and hours of editing, I folded my laptop over itself, yawning as I stuck it on the coffee table in front of me. Oli and June were already in their room watching a movie, and Jonah was doing whatever Jonah did before turning in to sleep. I lifted myself off the couch in search of him, strolling down the hallway as I let my hair fall free from the claw clip in which it had been twisted, ruffling at my roots which had been tugged on too tightly all day.
The bedroom door was cracked, so I pushed on it until it swung open. Just as my foot hit the carpet inside, I froze, my body slamming into some sort of invisible wall of air as my eyes took in a sight that swirled my insides to mush. It was Jonah, his hair all wet and shiny from a recent shower, his body covered only by a pair of low sitting, black sweatpants. Every tattoo across the side of his waist and arms was in full view and he was just…standing there. That’s all he was doing.
He had to know what he looked like, right?
