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Noah sat on the floor by my feet, his legs crossed around my ankles and his arms reaching to my back to comfort me while Oli stayed in the hallway with Justin. I just hung in my misery, unable to pull myself out of it. I thought and thought and thought until my mind blistered from the pain.
By the time I lifted my head, Oli was back in the room, assuring us that Justin wouldn’t be coming near us again any time soon. I didn’t ask how he knew that. Oli wasn’t violent, but his father was a very powerful lawyer and an asshole to boot. I was able to draw my own conclusions.
To say I was upset was a gross understatement. I could only imagine what the fuck Justin had done to Kai. I could only imagine what this would do to her. I didn’t even want to think about it, yet I needed to know every detail. I couldn’t look at her as she yelled at me, demanding I get a grip. She was so disappointed to see what I’d done, and I was disappointed in myself for letting it go that far. But, fuck, how I wanted to destroy that guy.
I let myself ruminate, process it, and replay it as many times as I needed until I could sort it out in my own mind and relax enough to face my beautiful girl. Before going home, I stopped at the store and picked up a tub of vanilla frosting. It was my best chance at seeing her go to sleep with a smile tonight, and my best chance at earning her forgiveness if paired with the apology of the year I was about to deliver.
She was seated upright on the unfolded futon when I found her. Her fingers twisted in front of her chest and her shoulders poked out from her black tank top. The pieces of hair that hung around her face flicked as she jerked her head toward me, her messy bun bouncing with the movement.
“We need to talk about what happened,” I said quickly, entering the bedroom.
“I don’t really want to,” she whispered. She stared at me in a way that created distance between us, and I hated it. It was as if in mere seconds I’d altered the way she’d seen me for the last twelve years, and there was nothing I could do to go back.
“I understand.” I dropped my things on the floor and ripped off my sweatshirt. With a spoon and frosting in hand, I approached the futon and lowered to my knees beside her, staring into those sweet eyes, praying to a God I didn’t even believe in that she’d forgive me. “We don’t have to go over…that. At least not until you say so. But I do want to talk for a minute. Please.”
I handed her the carton of sugar and the utensil, searching for approval in her eyes. She just nodded.
“I want to apologize,” I continued. “It’s not… You know I’m not really an explosive person. He just… He had it coming for a long time, and when I thought about what he might’ve done, Kai, I just couldn’t control it. I know it wasn’t right. I—”
Her dark eyebrows scrunched inward. “Why are you apologizing to me?”
“For subjecting you and the girls to that guy. For losing it. Honestly, he deserves a lot worse. But I could’ve handled it better, and I didn’t mean to make you upset.”
My chest cracked in two when I saw the way her eyes widened. They sparkled, though I read it as a sad glimmer. I propped my elbows on the edge of the futon and let my face fall to my palms.
“It was kind of hot.”
I snapped my head up. There was suddenly a hint of a smile on her sweet face. “You’re not mad?” I was hardly able to acknowledge the fact that she’d referred to me in such a way, though I took note of it, because two seconds ago I was fully convinced she hated me, and now...now this. “You were yelling at me. You looked terrified of me.”
She shrugged. “Mostly because I didn’t want you to get hurt or get into trouble, but I feel better now. I know you’re not a fighter. I was just feeling a little charged given the heat of the moment, and I didn’t want it to blow up into some silly drama.”
“Silly drama, Kai? It is not silly drama.”
“You don’t know what happened, Jo. Believe me. It was silly.” She waved a few dismissive fingers in the air.
“Don’t downplay this. I saw your face when you walked into the studio.”
“It was silly,” she said sharply, pinning me with a glare.
I sighed. “Just…tell me what happened.” She rolled her eyes and looked at the wall, her fingers rubbing over the tub in her hands. I knew what she was thinking. In the midst of her situation, she was worrying about our team dynamic. I found that really fucking annoying, though I reassured her just the same. “It’s okay, Kai. Noah’s cousin is going to step in as a replacement, and we’re all overjoyed with the change. You know we couldn’t stand that guy, so don’t worry about that. You are the most important thing right now.” And always.
Her eyes flicked back to mine. She stared right through me, looking into me yet seemingly seeing something behind me. That vacancy I’d glimpsed so many times before was a full-on black hole. She whispered like she didn’t want anyone to hear her. “He just…wouldn’t let me walk away. And then he…” She tilted her head. “He held me there while he kissed my neck and grabbed me all over. I didn’t do anything. In the past, I’ve tried to argue. I learned it’s best not to. So, I just… I didn’t do anything. But then I thought of you.” She blinked twice, and her focus honed back on me. “I’m less worried about what happened to me, Jo, and more worried about the fact that I don’t give a shit. It happened a couple hours ago, and I’m already over it. I should care more about myself, shouldn’t I?”
“You flinch whenever someone touches you, Kai. Forgive me for pointing it out, but… You do give a shit, and you do care about yourself. You just don’t acknowledge it.”
Her eyes widened either with defensiveness, or confusion, or shock that I’d even noticed. “I flinch because I’m scared of what I would let happen if I had to. Because I know how I am. Sometimes the feelings get so overwhelming that I have to just tune them out. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Nothing’s wrong with you, Kai.” I desperately wanted to hold her face in my hands, but I refrained. What I wanted more was my best friend back, the one without these scars, so she could flourish and live as she always had. I had absolutely no problem sitting with this version of her, but she deserved to be free.
“I did better today.” She nodded, her face tightening with determination. “I want it back, Jojo. I don’t want to let it go.”
My gut rolled just listening to her, but I didn’t quite understand that last part. “What do you want back?”
She pressed her lips into a weak smile. “Can we talk about this another time?”
I nodded and placed my hands on each of her shoulders before immediately retracting them. Maybe she didn’t want to be touched, and I was the asshole who had never really asked. Not once in over a decade. And today, when she screamed at me—don’t touch me!—my heart absolutely shattered. It was the first time I’d ever seen her appear to be feeling unsafe with me.
“You can touch me,” she said as if she’d read my mind. “I like it when you touch me. I like to be close to you.”
