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He snorted. “I’m just saying... You can blame yourself, or you can blame the situations you’ve been in. It doesn’t matter. No one can be the best version of themselves if they’re having a hard time, and no one can be the best version of themselves without any hard times, so we’re all bound to fuck up at some point. It doesn’t make you any less deserving, Kai. I just hope you know that.”
“I’m pretty sure I fuck up more than the normal amount.”
“That’s double the lessons learned, double the perfect.”
That pretty curve just above his chin melted away some of my guilt, a weight immediately lifting from my shoulders. Jonah’s calm thoughtfulness always made me feel at home in my own labyrinth of uncertainty. “So, I don’t need to be like Aaron and paint myself in black tattoos?”
“Why would you, when you’re so beautifully golden?” he said softly.
I shoved at his shoulder with an eye roll and a grin.
He chuckled and cocked his head backward, drawing my attention to the bag on his back. “Noah is sick today, so we’re taking the day off. Oli and June are at the beach. I brought your things in case. Do you want to go to the beach with them, or do you want to go home and be alone?”
I thought for a few moments, unsure of what I wanted, of how I felt. Nothing. Nothing and everything all at once. “I feel a little off today, Jojo, and I’m not sure why.”
“Here’s what we’ll do,” he said, stopping us in our path and turning to face me. “Why don’t we call a car and head that way? It’s hard to see now, but the sun will make you feel better.”
“I’ve always told you that.”
“You have always told me that. You can change and rinse off there…”
“I don’t need to rinse off. I smell wonderful.”
“You smell like metal bars and burnout. You can change and rinse off there, hang around for a bit, and when you’re feeling a little better, we’ll take a walk and continue this conversation. What do you think?”
I smiled and took his hands in mine, thumbing his knuckles. “I think the student has become the master.”
He smirked. “Those who cannot do, teach.”
“What a vicious cycle we’re in,” I said as he pulled his hand from my fingers, grabbed his phone from his pocket, and called a car.
Perhaps being fucked up wasn’t so bad, as long as I had someone fucked up in complementary ways to lead me away from chipped pieces of sidewalk when I went into zombie mode.
Chapter 20
Jonah
I was hardly aware of my surroundings. My vision tunneled to the enchanting body skipping away from me down to the water. Her brown hair hung past her waist and rippled with waves I far preferred to watch than those of the ocean in front of which we sat. The curve of her hips was only accentuated by the hot sunlight that bounced off them, and the contrast of her tan skin to her viridescent string bikini was just…
I was at a loss for words.
“Jonah.” A stern voice sounded behind me. My focus was immediately broken as I swung my head around to look at Oli. “It’s not nice to stare.”
He and June snickered at me. I humphed as I folded my arms and nestled into my cross-legged position atop the tapestry. Kai had just finished asking us permission to go see the water, and I had just finished grumbling to myself about it as my attention shifted to her shining backside.
I rubbed my hands over my face and once again turned to stare at the heavenly girl standing by the tide. I shouldn’t have even been looking at her that way. She was feeling off today, yet here I was being the worst friend in the world. It’s just that her body had changed in the two years since I saw her last. Even if it hadn’t, I would’ve been staring. It was hard not to observe it, not to fall in love with it. The hundreds of thousands of people following her on the internet said as much.
She had always been perfect. Ever since the day I met her. And of course, she was much more than a body. But I’d given up long ago on pretending like I didn’t notice it. I loved it just as much as I loved her personality, and her positivity, and her thoughtfulness, and her talent, and her eloquence, and how she cried every time she watched a dance performance, and the way her ears poked out when she pushed her hair behind them, and the way she cut strawberries with four cuts in the exact same directional pattern every single time… I love her, I love her, I love her.
I gazed at her on her way back to our spot. Her hair swayed behind her as she smiled, watching me watch her. She approached and tugged at the shoulder of my black cut-off, maneuvering her legs to plant herself in the sand and help me up.
“Come on,” she said. “Walk with me.”
Pulling on her arms, I lifted myself to meet her. We turned toward the water, leaving Oli and June to be totally weird and snuggle on a public beach. Kai made it a total of ten steps before piping up with the usual questions about myself, not her, even though I specifically said we would take a walk and continue our conversation about her.
“How have you been lately, Jojo? Since you’re off the pills and all.”
It was cute that she tried to play it off as a question. She gave me the opportunity to answer, though she knew the truth. Over the last couple of weeks, she’d been watching first-hand as I walked in and out of the room at night, distracting myself when I couldn’t sleep. She always checked in during private moments throughout the day, reminding me that my brain just needed to get used to the changes and that there was no shame in any decision I made. I believed her. I somehow felt better and worse all at the same time. The miracle was that I felt anything at all.
