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All she could focus on was the blinding panic racing through her veins. She couldn’t love Emma. She could never be the kind of woman Emma deserved. Emma deserved someone who could love her wholeheartedly and without reservation.
Vivian wasn’t that person. She was still too scared about what a relationship would mean for her business. She was too afraid of realizing that she actually didn’t want a life partner after all, or that it wasn’t working for her for some reason.
There would always be doubts and fears that stopped her from embracing Emma with her whole heart, like Alison had. Emma deserved someone who could marry her and raise Lily with her without hesitation, not someone so caught up in their own mind that they were too paralyzed to say three little words.
Vivian knew she wasn’t Alison. Emma had spoken about Alison and Vivian knew she didn’t have so many of the qualities Alison had had. She could never be who Emma and Lily needed her to be.
Her phone started ringing. Vivian didn’t need to look at the screen to know it was Emma.
She tried to stop her hands shaking for long enough to answer. It would be better to do this now, before she had a chance to convince herself otherwise.
“Emma.”
“Vivian! I didn’t think you’d answer. Are you home yet? Please, let me come over. We need to talk about this.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. I’m sorry, Emma, but I can’t do this. We knew from the beginning that it might not work out. Well, it didn’t. I’m done.”
“How can you say that? You may not love me yet, but I know you care for me too, Vivian. This connection we share is special and real. You must know that.”
“This connection has to end.”
“Please, Vivian. I love you.”
Fuck, Emma was crying. Vivian desperately wanted to rush back and comfort her, but she knew she couldn’t. Emma deserved more than such mixed signals.
She clenched her free hand on the steering wheel as she forced out the hardest words she’d ever had to say. “I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be with you anymore, Emma. Goodbye.” The lie burned coming out of her mouth, and the acid ate right through her heart, leaving it tattered and mangled.
She heard Emma’s hurt gasp on the other side of the line but didn’t wait for her to speak. Vivian hung up before she could do something stupid—like tell Emma she loved her and beg for forgiveness.
She tossed her phone onto the passenger seat.
The phone didn’t ring again.
9
Emma
Emma was more grateful than ever for the soundproofing as she sobbed, knowing that Lily wouldn’t hear and come to investigate. Then she remembered that it was Vivian who’d had that soundproofing installed and cried even harder.
How could Vivian do this? Yes, Emma had fucked up. She should never have expressed her feelings so soon, knowing that Vivian would likely freak out. It had just slipped out in a moment of contentment… and ruined everything.
While she had known that Vivian would panic, she hadn’t anticipated how deep Vivian’s fears about relationships truly ran. She had expected to have to spend hours talking Vivian down before they could settle into each other’s arms and go to sleep for the night.
Emma hadn’t expected this. For Vivian just to leave, without even trying to talk. The fact that she hadn’t even tried to work things out hurt almost as much as her leaving in the first place.
Emma had already lost so much in losing Alison. It had taken a lot for her to make herself vulnerable and fall in love again. She couldn’t bear that now she was losing Vivian, too. As different as the loss was, it still hurt so much.
Emma had been through breakups before, but nothing that felt like this. She didn’t feel like her heart was broken. It was like a large chunk of it was gone, erased, pulled out by a string when Vivian left her. Vivian had that piece of her heart now, and Emma feared that she would never get it back.
She didn’t sleep that night. By the time the sun rose, the trashcan was overflowing with tissues and Emma’s eyes were red and puffy.
Lily would be up soon. Emma had to get herself under control, for her daughter’s sake. Lily would be scared if she saw her mother like this.
Emma closed her eyes, trying to focus on something other than Vivian. She instead thought about Lily’s upcoming camping trip with her class at school. There were a few things she needed to buy. She and Vivian had been planning on spending those four days together… and she was back to Vivian again.
Nope. She was not going to start crying again. Emma dragged herself into the shower, turning it on cold, trying to shock the thoughts of Vivian out of her system.
The cold water was so unpleasant that it drove all other thoughts out of her mind, which was exactly what she’d been hoping would happen. When she was out of the shower, determinedly thinking of Lily’s camping trip, she put on a thick layer of makeup to try to hide how swollen and red her eyes were.
