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Henry: Things were already going wrong between us by the time it was brought up as an option.
He doesn’t elaborate. Was it something to do with me? I remember what he said last night. That he’s been in love with me since the first time we met. Why else do you think Shaz and I broke up? She knew. She’s always known. I tried to ignore it because you were with Cam, and I’d already proposed to her, and I knew we couldn’t come to anything, but Shaz always knew.
Me: Why is life so complicated?
Henry: I don’t know.
We’re both quiet for a while. Then he messages again.
Henry: What are you going to do?
Me: I’m not sure. But I think you might be right.
I send it and pause, then send another few in quick succession.
Me: I think it’s nearly over.
Me: I didn’t want to admit it. I wanted to fight it. But I think it’s inevitable.
Me: You said when a relationship ends, it’s often a slow erosion.
Me: That’s how it feels.
Me: I think I just need time.
Me: And I don’t know what it means for you and me.
Me: There are lots of factors.
Henry: Like children.
We pause.
Me: Yes. That’s one.
Henry: It’s a big one.
We pause again.
Me: Yes. But it would be different for us, right? We’d know about it going in. You and Shaz didn’t.
Henry: True.
Me: Would you still like children? Or does what’s happened before mean you don’t want them at all?
Henry: It’s not that I don’t want them. But I wouldn’t want to put you through all that waiting and disappointment. It nearly killed me last time. I don’t want to do that to you. Or to myself.
Me: I understand. But you’d consider IVF?
Henry: Yes. Would you?
I lie back, looking up at the ceiling again. My heart bangs against my ribs. It’s a huge thing to ask, and we’re not even in a relationship. Cam wants children, and he’d probably be able to give me them. But is that a reason to stay?
It’s so hard. I know Henry relatively well. We’re good friends, and we’re obviously attracted to one another. He’s hardworking, funny, wealthy, driven, and gorgeous—lots of reasons he’d make a good husband. But are we compatible as a couple? There’s no way of telling yet, and it’s a huge thing to discuss having children and IVF when we’ve only had one night together.
I look back at my phone. He’s waiting for an answer, and I don’t have one. I’m still living with Cam, under the same roof, and I need to finish one relationship before I embark on another. It’s not fair to keep Henry hanging on. But all I can do is be honest.
Me: I think so. I just need time to figure it all out. Is that okay? I’ll understand if it isn’t.
