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Henry: I literally LOL then.
Me: Don’t laugh at me.
Henry: Honey, I’m not laughing at you. The point is that I wouldn’t care if you did only want it in missionary with the lights out. It would be amazing, every time.
I swallow hard, trying not to cry.
Me: He said I was frigid because I don’t want to experiment, but it’s not that.
Henry: I know.
Me: I can’t seem to explain to him what I want.
Henry: You explained it to me very well. To be worshiped.
Me: It sounds so pathetic and needy. But is it so terrible?
Henry: It’s what you deserve.
Me: I miss you.
Henry: I miss you too, sweetheart. More than you could ever know.
I wipe the tears from my cheeks.
Me: I’m sorry.
Henry: You’ve nothing to be sorry about.
Me: I’m stringing you along and it’s unfair.
Henry: No it’s not. You can talk to me whenever you want. Your relationship is in its death throes, and I want to help, but unfortunately you have to deal with it yourself.
I read the words several times, then lie back and look at the ceiling. Is he right? Is my relationship with Cam over?
Henry has skin in the game—he’s going to say that because he wants it to be true. But he’s been through it. He knows how it feels.
It might seem obvious to him, but it’s not to me. I feel so muddled, caught up in duty and obligation and what I should and ought to do. It’s never just the two of you in a relationship, is it? My dad likes Cam a lot, and he would be devastated if we broke up. Mum is ambivalent and she likes Henry, but she’d still be upset. I’m not keen on either of Cam’s brothers and I doubt they’re that bothered about me either, but his parents both like me, and I get on very well with his mum, which I know is rare. And there are our friends and colleagues, who are all used to our relationship. Cam is a solid partner, with a good job—even if he hates it—and a decent income. He has lots of friends, he’s good at sports, and he’s well liked. Everyone would think I was crazy for letting him go, even if it was for Henry.
But in the end, I’m the one who has to live with him. I’m not happy. And I don’t know that I can put it right.
I look back at my phone. Henry’s texted again.
Henry: I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said your relationship was over. And I shouldn’t have told you not to sleep with him. I speak before I think. I have no right to ask you for anything.
Me: Ah, it’s okay.
Henry: I want you so badly. But I keep forgetting that I can’t give you children. And I know you want them.
Tears trickle down my cheeks. He’s right. I would like children. I’d like to be able to experience being pregnant and going through childbirth.
Henry: I don’t want to go through what I went through with Shaz again.
Me: I understand.
He doesn’t reply. After a while, I text again.
Me: Why didn’t you try IVF?
