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“Which man smudges your lipstick, and which smudges your mascara?”
I wipe beneath both eyes, then give a short laugh. “Henry definitely smudges my lipstick.”
“Well, there you are, then.” She kisses my temple.
“But Dad—”
“Don’t worry about him. I’ll talk him around.”
I inhale, then blow out a long breath. “What if you’re wrong, and Henry says he can’t bring up another man’s child?”
“Well if that’s the case, he’s not the man for you. I don’t think you should stay with Cam out of duty. If neither man is right for you, you should bring the child up yourself. You’re stronger than you think, toku tamahine ataahua.” It means ‘my beautiful daughter.’
She rubs my arm, then says, “I’ll go and make us a cup of fruit tea. It’s probably best if you don’t drink too much coffee now.” She walks off into the kitchen.
I rest my hand on my tummy, trying to calm my shaky breaths. I hadn’t thought about cutting my caffeine content. I know so little about pregnancy and babies, only what I learned at school. I haven’t been around anyone who’s been pregnant, and I’ve never been particularly interested in babies, so I haven’t had the inclination to read about it all. I think there are certain foods you’re not supposed to eat, like mayonnaise and cheese for some reason. I have no idea why. I’m going to have to do some research to make sure I don’t do anything stupid.
I’m so scared at the thought of doing this on my own. I think of Dad, no doubt walking up and down in his office, which he always does when he’s stressed or anxious. I feel so sad that I’ve made him ashamed of me. I want him to be proud of me. But do I want that enough to stay with a man I don’t love anymore?
All these thoughts and emotions are like butterflies fluttering in my brain, going around in circles. And I’m tired and confused.
I think about Henry, and the smell of his cologne, and the way his blue eyes stare right into mine while he’s making love to me, and that makes the tears come, because I don’t know if he wants me anymore, and what if I never get to experience that again?
*
I know I should think about my situation. Draw up the advantages and disadvantages of various options. Talk to my friends, to Cam, to Henry, and make a rational decision. But I can’t bring myself to do any of that. Instead I spend the rest of the day in the hotel. Cam continues to text and call, so I keep my phone switched off so I don’t have to hear from him. I know Kathy is sure to be in a state after finding out I’ve left, and I don’t want to have to deal with him or his family right now.
Tomorrow is Monday. I need to go to work because I’ve had a week off and it’s the first day for the main staff. Hopefully I can catch up with Henry at lunchtime or something, and we can have a conversation.
But for now, I put my brain in standby and watch The Fellowship of the Ring for the umpteenth time while I eat popcorn, which seems to be one thing that doesn’t make me feel queasy. Then, exhausted from all the emotion, I crash out and sleep soundly all night.
I brought one of my suits to the hotel so I’m okay to dress for work the next morning, but I have to check out, so I’ll need to go back to the apartment after work. That means I’m probably going to have to talk to Cam. Today’s the day, I guess. One way or another, I’ll make myself come to a decision.
I drive to work, park outside the building, then sit there for a moment. Oh fuck, I feel sick again. I’ve already thrown up once this morning. I get out and go inside, head straight for the bathroom, relieved to find it empty, and vomit into the toilet, hoping nobody else comes in.
When I’m done, I go out on shaky legs. I want to go to my office and bolt myself in, but it’s nearly eight thirty, which is when our morning meeting usually starts, and I know I have to go.
The place is busy, everyone talking about what they got up to over Christmas, and I stop a few times on the way to talk to people, answering their questions as best as I can, even though my mind is buzzing. Ahead of me, I can see the boardroom through the glass walls. Alex, Tyson, and Henry are already there. James is off this week. Alex and Tyson are sitting at the table. Henry’s making himself a coffee. My heart rate immediately doubles. He’s wearing my favorite suit of his—navy with a thin pinstripe. He looks so handsome.
I don’t know what I’m going to say. I should have rehearsed this, planned our first conversation, but I can’t think as my feet move automatically toward the door. I watch him turn from the table and stop to look out of the sliding doors at the view of the Avon as he sips his coffee. Alex glances up and sees me, and he says something, and then as the automatic doors open, Henry turns around.
“Juliette.” He whispers the word, and I remember him saying Your name feels like a spell.
I don’t know what I expected. Maybe that he’d still be angry. Or ignore me. Or tell me quietly that we’ll talk later.
Instead, he puts down his coffee cup and walks straight up to me. “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry,” he says immediately.
The apology whips the rug out from under me, and I bury my face in his shirt.
“I’m such a fucking idiot,” he says, putting his arms around me.
“Many a true word is spoken in jest,” Tyson says from behind us.
I turn my head to look at the table and find both him and Alex smiling.
Henry rolls his eyes, takes my hand, and leads me out onto the terrace. It’s still a little cool, but the bright sun promises it’s going to be a beautiful summer day. Down by the river, a group of ducks paddle slowly past the willow that drapes its arms across the water gracefully like a ballet dancer. I can smell the muffins made in the nearby café, and it makes my empty stomach rumble.
He takes my face in his hands and looks into my eyes. “Are you okay?”
