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“It’s fine. I can stay here. I don’t want to leave you alone, Alexandra.” I said. “That seems unfair.”
“We do not want there to be allegations of impropriety,” Pappa said. “So it is best?—”
“They lived together!” I waved in the direction of my brother and sister-in-law.
Alexandra squeezed my knee. “It’s got to be Celeste up to being Celeste. It’s fine. We will just… we don’t want to put your family in a bad position.”
I was angry, but I also couldn’t tell her why. After coffee, she decided to settle in and direct the dressers and maids assigned to her. Meanwhile, I hung out in her room. We would be alone sparingly on this trip.
“I wanted to spend one-on-one time with you,” I lamented.
“I would like that, too, but you know Celeste,” Alexandra said. “Darling, whatever happens, she is going to find out and punish us. She could do all manner of things.”
It was the first time she’d used a pet name for me. It was unexpectedly heart-warming.
“Can we not wait a bit longer?” Alexandra laughed. “Just a bit. And I promise you… it will happen.”
Her tone was earnest. I couldn’t help but trust her but also wanted to throw caution to the wind and take her right there. I assumed if we fucked, it would already be worth it. Inversely, Alexandra made a good point. Celeste could wreak havoc. The risk wasn’t just to me but also to my family. It was for Alexandra and her three sisters who never asked for any of this.
“Okay,” I agreed. “Just know that… I do want to… do more.”
She blushed. “Same.”
“And I hope this place suits you and all is well.”
“Your family seems… normal. So far, they are lovely. I adore that your mother refers to you as min skat. Mamma used to do the same to us, Rick. It was sweet and it hit me in the feels.”
“I thought it was embarrassing.”
“Don’t. Your mother loves you and you still have her! Sometimes I wonder if I will ever remember her another day. Mamma was the best sort of person. Asti and I remember her. We miss her.”
“I am sorry for that, Alexandra,” I said. I never thought about how much it must hurt. “Doing this all without your parents must be difficult. Weddings… they’re emotional, right?”
“It’s hard, yes.”
“You can always tell me about it,” I said. “I don’t know how I can help. I’m not good at this stuff but I will try.”
“I disagree. You can be very sweet and understanding,” Alexandra said. “You describe yourself as if you were some sort of monster, but Rick I do not see it that way. You’re wonderful. You are capable of being compassionate. Don’t convince yourself you’re a monster. You love hard.”
It was the first time a woman acknowledged what my mother had done alone for all these years. She always said I was her sweet one. And, compared to Mikkel the Emotional Vacuum, I was. No one saw that—not my father and not past partners. After spending my entire life being told I was just an attention whore, I gave up and dug into being the monster other people saw me as. I was the bad boy. I was the rake.
“Thank you for believing that but I don’t know if I deserve it.”
Alexandra took my face in her hands. “You deserve it for as well as you take care of me and the girls. Okay? You may have done some bad things before, Rick, but… you are a good person deep down. Tell yourself you are worthy of love. You are.”
There was a knock. “Sir, your father and brother are going out on the sailboat. They request you join them.”
“Alright,” I agreed. “Thank you, Martin.”
“You should go,” Alexandra said.
I nodded, not wanting to. “I should. Never alone.”
“I will see you later. Enjoy the time, darling.”
She gave me the sweetest kiss. Alexandra was so good and pure. Lying to her was wrong. Yet, what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. And I hoped she would never know.
I left her room, joining Martin in the hall.
