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Guilt tugs at my heart. I haven’t told her the real reason I need space to breathe. I plan to tonight. I place the last of my items in my suitcase and zip it up. “Well, you ready to open that rosé you brought over? I’ll explain where my head’s at once I have a glass in my hand.”
“Yes, please!” I follow her to the kitchen and we both pour a generous glass and walk to the couch.
“I, um, there’s another reason why I’m considering moving. I sort of made some decisions that pushed me in that direction.” I swallow down the nerves, telling myself that I have to tell her about Cyrus. I have to tell someone or I’m going to lose my mind. “I need to tell you something.”
“If you tell me you’ve already signed a lease in New York and this is your last night in Chicago, I’m going to throw up and then cry my eyes out.”
“No, I haven’t done that and most certainly would not do that. It is about as shocking as that though.” I stare at her with a wincing grimace.
“Tell me already! I’m two seconds from freaking out, Pres.”
“I fell in love with him.” I just blurt the words out with zero context.
“With who? With Forrest? But I thought he was dating someone else? Oh God, is this a love triangle now?”
I purse my lips, shaking my head slowly. “No, not Forrest.”
Before I can say his name, she gasps loudly, her hand clamping over her mouth. “Noooo! With Mr. Gates?”
“Yeah. That’s about the reaction I expected.” I take a few gulps of wine as Serenity’s mouth hangs open.
“I—how? When? Oh my God. Did you?”
“Easily, pretty much right away, and oh, yes, a lot.”
She places her glass down on the coffee table and stands up, then sits back down, then stands up and begins to pace.
“I can’t compute. Seriously, my mind is melting right now. Wait…” Her face softens and she slowly sinks back down on the couch as she puts two and two together. “Is that why you’re leaving? You have a broken heart, don’t you?”
I nod, tears welling up even though I start to laugh. “I know, I know… you told me. And trust me, you were right. He’s not the kind of man I wanted to learn a lesson from.”
“Oh, Pres. Oh, sweet girl.” She pulls me in for a hug, a warm, big Serenity hug that makes this all so much harder. “I’m so sorry.” She rubs my back, my tears falling in big drops onto her shoulder.
“I’m such an idiot,” I choke, starting to laugh again.
“No, no, you’re not. He’s an asshole and he took advantage of you.”
“He didn’t,” I say, shaking my head. “We both fell in love, but he was honest with me from the beginning. He told me there was no chance it could ever be anything more than a hookup. And a few times throughout he said something similar. I wanted to blame him. I did blame him, pretty unfairly too when things ended, but I know that I set myself up for failure with all of it.”
Serenity gives me a knowing look. “Listen, girl, I know how you are. You want to believe the best in everyone, but don’t act like you’re not hurt if you are. If he led you to believe there was a chance at something more or encouraged it, then that’s not okay.”
She’s right. I feel the hurt and anger start to bubble up again. “You’re right, he is an asshole,” I agree. “What pisses me off the most about it all is that he hides behind this fear that he doesn’t want to end up like his father. I mean, I get it, his dad basically got screwed over by people and life and no matter how hard he tried to make everyone else happy, he couldn’t. So Cyrus has this mental block that he’s destined to be alone and heartless forever, that if he just pretends to be that person, then nobody can hurt him. But it’s insane. He’s far too smart for that nonsense and he knows it. Bottom line is, he’s a coward and I do deserve better.” The wine is starting to hit me already. “I deserve a man who’s going to show up and be proud to be with me, a man who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to go after it and get it, no matter the cost!”
“Preach it!” Serenity chimes in, laughing at how worked up I’ve gotten myself. “The real question is, if he showed up right here, right now, and said he fucked up and he’s sorry, would you take him back?”
I think about it for a second. “Yes, but I’d make him work for it.”
“How so?”
“Actually, seeing that it’s Cyrus, I can’t imagine I could make that man do anything. If he showed up here or anywhere for that matter because he wanted to take me back, he probably wouldn’t even give me a chance to say otherwise before he took control of the situation, if you know what I mean.” I feel the warmth of the wine reach my cheeks as I slump back against the couch cushion, memories of some of the things he said and did to me rushing back.
“Have you spoken to him since things ended? When did they end?”
“About a month ago and yeah, just on the last day of class. Since you handed in your assignment early, you weren’t there, but it was very cordial and short. He wished me good luck and asked me if I hated him. He thinks I’m dating Forrest.” I chuckle.
“He does? I bet he’s jealous. He should be. You’re a helluva catch to lose. This is going to sound rude maybe, but did you want it to last? Did you really want a future with him even though he’s older?”
“I did.” I nod. “I suppose it’s not practical, but I’ve never had my life planned out like so many other people. All I wanted was that kind of connection, and it was wonderful while it lasted.”
