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Grateful for Each Other
Amber
“Are we there yet?” Kennedy, my youngest, asked for the fifth time in the last thirty minutes. I glanced at the directions on the screen of the car and then at my husband who seemed to be lost in thought as he drummed his thumb against the steering wheel.
“Not yet, baby.” I looked over my shoulder at my bubbly daughter. I saw myself in her wild, red locks of hair and mischievous, emerald eyes.
“How much longer, Momma?” Nicolas asked, not looking up from his iPad.
“Another hour. Does anyone need the bathroom?” Five heads nodded at once, and I turned to Ryan. “How much longer until the next rest stop?” He didn’t answer at first, his eyes on the road. “Ryan, rest stop?” I nudged his arm, gaining his attention.
“Ten minutes.” I turned back to the kids. The oldest pair of twins were sitting all the way in the back of my black Escalade, their heads bent towards each other as they watched a movie. Nicolas and Jeremy were fighting over an iPad, and my sweet Kennedy was looking out the window with curiosity. We were on our way to the lake house for Thanksgiving, a tradition we had created before the kids were born.
“Get your shoes on so we can make this quick and get to the lake house before Auntie Celine and Uncle Ace.” I yanked Jeremy’s leg to grab his attention, and he nodded, reaching blindly to the floor for his Spiderman sneakers.
I turned back to the front and glanced at my husband. He had been considering going back to the army. Just the thought caused bile to rise in my throat. He used to be gone for months at a time, and the last time, he had been gone for an entire year.
A year without him seemed impossible now. I would never be able to handle all five kids on my own. I loved them with every fiber of my being, but at best, they were a handful, always demanding a piece of me even when I had nothing left to give.
We hadn’t spoken about it since he had brought it up on Monday, and now, it was Wednesday. We were going to his parents’ lake house for Thanksgiving weekend where we would have little to no time alone, as Celine and Ace liked to maximize the time and spend just about every waking moment out on the water. At least we weren’t all sharing one house since they had bought their own house five years ago.
I often begged Ryan to get our own place up here, so we would have our space and not have to worry about the kids breaking something every time we came, but he insisted on saving our money and investing it in the stock market or buying himself toys.
“We need to talk about everything,” I found the courage to say as he hit the turn signal and shifted into the right lane, merging to the rest stop.
“Not this weekend, Ames. I want to enjoy this time with my family and not think about this weight hanging over our heads. Can’t we just do that?” I nodded. He was right. We didn’t know where we would be this time next year. We didn’t know if we would be together or on the bones of our ass broke.
“Okay.” He reached over the console and grabbed my hand. His fingers played with my wedding band. “I trust you will do the right thing for all of us.”
“I will take care of you and our kids, Ames. Don’t you ever worry about that.” He pulled into a parking spot and turned the car off. “Alright! Everyone out. You’ve got five minutes before the Escalade leaves.” The kids hurried to unsnap their seatbelts and flew out of the car. “I love you, Spitfire, with my entire heart.”
“I can’t say that I’ve ever doubted that, Ryan.” He grinned, small lines appearing at the crease of his eyes. We were getting old, no longer two kids in love.
* * *
Ryan’s mother, Kendall, was baking her famous apple crumble when I entered the kitchen after putting the kids to bed. Ryan was sitting with his dad out back, watching the moonlit water, something that they had done together for years. I prayed that they would talk about a solution to all the problems at work.
“Can I help you at all?” I leaned against the counter, my shoulders finally sagging. I no longer had to pretend to be happy in front of the kids.
“How about you make me one of those fancy cappuccinos? I bought the new Keurig, but I have no idea how to use it! Ryan told me you have one at home, so I just had to buy one, and they were on sale!” She rambled on, pointing to the new machine on the counter that was still in the wrapping from the box.
“Do you have milk and cinnamon?” I pulled the clear packaging off and plugged the machine in before filling it with water.
“Picked some up at the store earlier, and I have the cinnamon out on the counter. I had to put some in the pie.” She was crumbling the base of the pie, her blue eyes bright with excitement at the late hour.
As far as mother in laws went, she was probably the best I could have ever asked for but watching her now made me miss my own mother terribly. She had come to visit a few months ago for the twins’ birthday but being without her for the holidays still hurt. It was the price I had to pay for living so far away.
“How are your parents, honey?” she asked right after I pressed the button for the machine to brew the coffee.
“They’re good. My sister just had a baby, so they are over there helping her. It’s her first, and we were planning on visiting them over winter break.”
“Oh, yes, Celine told me! How exciting! Why don’t you give Celine a ring and get her over here so we can all enjoy a cup of coffee together before the crazy day tomorrow?” I nodded, already pulling my phone from the back pocket of my jeans.
I found Celine in my favorites and waited for her to pick up.
“Is this my invitation over? Is mom making apple crumble?” she rushed out in one breath.
