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“Yes.”
And he would have fucking gone. Even if he’d known what he must endure.
I turned away. I didn’t want her to see me crying. She didn’t deserve the right. She died. She left us all to suffer without her. She’s dead and gone forever.
The black-marbled pool in the center of the room mocked me. She’d suffered in that bloody pool of water. Straining to push me out of her failing, weak body. Her power gone. Her lover, my father, the god of monsters, gone. Her Blood sent away months before. Alone, except for her sister. Knowing exactly what happened next.
Knowing she would hold me for a few minutes. An hour or two. Then she would put me into her sister’s arms and send me away. Never to see me again. Never to hold me when I wailed with loss, without even knowing why I cried.
She, more than anyone, deserved to see her daughter’s tears. I only still lived because of her. Even though it hurt. So much. I couldn’t breathe.
She didn’t make excuses. She didn’t plead for forgiveness. She didn’t beg me to understand her choices. I knew the answer, but I still couldn’t stop myself from choking out, “Why?”
“A queen must make terrible choices to continue her lineage and protect her house. To keep her goddess’ sacred blood alive in this filthy, sacrilegious, undeserving world. But a queen mother…” She let out a ragged, unpleasant laugh that had me turning back to see her face.
She smiled, a fierce, sharp baring of glistening cobra fangs. “I’m the kind of mother who’ll destroy the entire fucking world to make sure you stay alive another day. My death. My Bloods’. Your Bloods’. Whatever it takes. If it’s within my power, you will stay alive until a time of your own choosing. If you choose now, this very moment, to end your life, it was always worth it. Every. Fucking. Move.”
Her shoulders fell, the regal visage of her face softening. Crumpling. Just for a moment. Allowing me to see her pain. Her own rage at all she’d lost.
“I did my best for you, whether you believe me or not. I’m not perfect. I made mistakes. I doubted myself. I even doubted Her. I see infinite possibilities in my dreams, but I’m not All Seeing like your general. My greatest strength turned against me in the end. My dreams began to torment me, twisted and warped by my own fears. Holding you for the first and last time…”
Closing her eyes, she shuddered, and something pinged onto the marble floor. Rubies and diamonds, falling from her eyes.
“I almost threw it all away just to keep you in my arms, Shara. We would have been happy for a time. You would have had Lew and Thierry whole and safe in our house, though they would be mine, not yours, at least until my death. By then, it would be too late. I could see Alrik, Daire, and Ezra with you for a time, but not Sir Guillaume. Without him, you wouldn’t have called the other killers, either. They were too dangerous, too strong without him carrying the load like a cornerstone, supporting your power. Without him, nothing could have kept you out of House Skye, and once Keisha had you…”
Her mouth firmed into a harsh slant. “You would have lost your alpha. I couldn’t see a single way for you to keep him if you ended up her sibling.”
Stricken, I could only stare at her. My heart stuttered in my chest. Keisha’s sibling… Giving her my alpha. Knowing the fate that awaited Rik in Tanza’s circle. “No. I would rather have never Called him at all than allow her to have him. But…”
She nodded as the realization hit me.
Then he would have always been at the mercy of House Skye. Nothing would have kept Keisha from torturing him. He was only still alive because I Called him to my side.
A vicious circle of what ifs and possibilities tangled in my mind. How she’d ever kept so many threads straight in her strategic planning, I had no idea.
“I dreamed every single possibility, following the path of your life forward as far as I could see. Infinite possibilities narrowed to what could be. What might be. If I was willing to pay the cost. Some paths were hidden, cloaked in shadows and streaked with pain and misery that could only be the Dauphine. Some were happy for the most part, but you wouldn’t have the loves you have now. Certainly General Sekh would not have answered your Call, and even if he did, you wouldn’t have been able to hold him. You never would have found the king kraken because your other king would have happily devoured you if you went to free him with only Alrik and Daire to sustain you.
“Over and over. Death, misery, pain, death, agony, loss, death, death, defeat, death. That’s all I could see. Unless…”
Her chin tipped up imperceptibly, her eyes flashing with spinning galaxies. Every inch the queen of queens, daughter of the Great One, She Who Is and Was and Always Will Be.
“Everything pinned from Sir Guillaume de Payne. He was the first and most important play to establish your path to staying alive long enough to reach the Triune. He was the first domino, with the rest of your pieces carefully lined up and positioned behind him. Maximize your power base. Bring the strongest killers to your Call. One by one by one. Trapped kings, assassin and monster Blood, even ones belonging to other queens, the General of She Who Dances In Blood. Call them, and they will answer. You need them all to stay alive as long as possible.”
Two perfect tear-drop rubies gleamed on her cheek, slowly slipping down to the side of her throat beneath her jaw. Glinting like two pin pricks of blood just above the golden collar around her neck.
“Every single move was always your choice, Shara. It still is. I executed the queen’s sacrifice to put the Templar knight on your board, available for the taking. I didn’t know you would take him, only if you did, you might one day ride him on the greatest crusade this world has ever known. Take more Blood, or take none. Love them as you choose. When you’re ready to leave this world, you’ll find me standing on the other side of the Veil with arms open wide to enfold you in the Great One’s embrace forever and ever.”
Sobs ripped my throat. “But I want to be in your arms now.”
Crying too, she opened her arms, and I ran into my mother’s embrace.
30
SHARA
Her arms closed around me. Real and physical, strong and fierce with the depth of her love. I clung to her, not sure how it was possible but determined to hold her as long as I could while I breathed in her scent. Sultry, smoky incense of blue lotus and pure magic. The sweet oil in her hair, falling like silken velvet around me. Shelter from the coldest, stormiest night.
Her steady, fearless heart drummed against my ear. “Is it really you?”
