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I close the door gently behind her, stealing myself as I walk through the foyer. There is no point in succumbing to my emotions in front of this man. It’s not like he’s going to change his mind, so I won’t give him the satisfaction of thinking that he’s important while I mean nothing to him.
I make a deal with myself. I tell him I’m leaving, and then I’m going to go downstairs and try to never see him again. My willpower can’t take any more close encounters with him. It is difficult enough to have the conversation we’re about to have without adding the looming threat of more.
“Astrid,” Sean says at the same time I say his name. He huffs a laugh, leaning his shoulder against the wall. “No, you first,” he says, looking relaxed.
I taste bile. “I found an apartment,” I say the words as quickly as I can, as if getting them out will fix the way I feel right now.
“Oh.” His eyebrows knit together, but he doesn’t speak. His reaction tells me that this isn’t how he was expecting this conversation to go.
I sigh, a part of me annoyed, another devastated. How could this have gone any other way? After all that’s happened. This was his decision after all, not mine. He put all this into motion. After he rejected me. And all he can say for that is, oh?
I should’ve known better.
It’s like a punch to the gut. I cross my arms against my chest, holding myself for comfort as the tension builds between us, and it seems like neither of us is going to speak first.
I don’t want to talk to fill the space. I’m not sure I have anything left to say. My heart already took too much. How much more can I give him?
“You’re… you’re happy?” he asks, his throat bobbing.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t want him to feel sorry for me. I’m not his sympathy case. So instead of telling him the truth, or all the things I planned to, I lie. “I am.” I swallow.
“Well.” He takes a deep breath. His eyes flickering over my face. “That’s all that matters then.” There’s finality in his words.
I nod my head. I don’t offer any details. There is no point in holding onto hope. I need a clean break. “I’m going to go to sleep.” I point my thumb at the door. “Good night.”
“Good night.”
I close the door behind me, disappearing into my room without a second look.
CHAPTER 39
SEAN
It’s my first game back after the injury, but it’s also my first game without Astrid. An away game. Making it even harder to focus while being away from her when all I want to do is make this right.
I need to make it right before it’s too late.
I lace up my skates, my thoughts still lingering on Astrid. She’s a thousand miles away, it’s not like she would be here anyway, but it feels lonely, nonetheless. At least if we were on speaking terms, I would have been able to tell her about getting to play. Instead, I stared at my phone, too afraid to text her before slamming my stuff shut in the locker room.
Distant, muffled sounds of the awaiting fans echo in the tunnel as we wait to be announced and come out. I rub my fingers over the worn edges of the tape on my hockey stick. Coach seemed pretty confident in my healing. Still, I won’t be starting tonight. I rock back and forth. It isn’t the best case scenario. But I’ll take what I can get.
Once we’re out, everything stills. My fears momentarily subsiding as time speeds up around us. It’s kind of like an out-of-body experience. I take my seat on the bench next to Dan. My ego isn’t dependent upon being a starter. The fact that I can play at all is important enough. If I get my shit together.
Coming in strong off the bench is how I started my career, and now it seems to be the way in which my career will either take off or wither away.
If it’s up to Coach Tommy, it’ll be the latter.
I hate that feeling.
The first period isn’t great. There is no kind way to put it. The chemistry on the ice is off and we let them spend most of the time on the board in a power play.
Hockey moves too fast to second-guess each other. Every second wasted or excess movement results in a missed pass or poor shot, sealing our fate.
Our fan section seems to sense it. Their cheers start to die down as the clock ticks closer to zero and the first period ends.
Coach slams his clipboard against the wall.
The guys regroup in period two. We score a goal. But then so do they. It is a one-one game and the crowd is on edge.
