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I continue down the crowded aisles, keeping my head down in hopes that no one recognizes me. The weight of my future choices press down on me like a thousand-pound weight. Our first Thanksgiving together should be something to celebrate, something that fills me with joy. Instead I’m plagued by thoughts of how this all might go wrong and how I might hurt her.
Astrid deserves someone who can give her the world, not someone who struggles to balance a demanding career and a relationship. The thought of losing either one makes me wonder if the sacrifices I have made are worth the toll that they’re taking on my life.
The checkout line is a blur as I unload the groceries. The cashier doesn’t look up from the rhythmic scanning of the ridiculous number of items I’ve stacked on the conveyer belt.
They glance over at the building line behind me, and sigh.
Great. I have the power to even make this person miserable.
Back home, I unpack very quietly in hopes that I don’t disturb anyone. I don’t want Astrid to feel obligated to help me, and I know that she would. I glance around the empty house. The silence buys me time to get everything in the fridge or pantry.
I take out the snack I bought myself and relax on the couch, turning on the tv to fill the void as I no longer find the quiet comforting.
I regret getting close to Astrid. The more she tries to take care of me, the more I have to push her away.
Now Coach’s words feel like a premonition. It is not Astrid’s fault. She’s done nothing wrong. She’s perfect. Fucking perfect. But this isn’t fair to her. My focus has been off and it shows on the ice. I got away with it for a couple games, but now I’ve allowed myself to get so distracted that I’ve injured myself and risked my entire career. For what?
That was wrong. I shake my head.
But it is proof that I don’t deserve her. She should be with someone who would sacrifice everything to be with her. Not someone who can only give her a quarter of the attention and love that she deserves.
CHAPTER 32
ASTRID
Violet makes it known that she wants to sit next to me at Thanksgiving. It’s all she’s talked about all week. I wince every time she brings it up. For whatever reason, it seems to upset Sean. Recently everything seems to upset Sean. I knew he had the tendency to be grouchy and withdraw within himself, but this is something else. No amount of cheerfulness or kind gestures has been able to snap him out of it.
And it’s meant that we’ve spent less and less time together.
And come Thanksgiving morning, I'm mentally preparing for the most uncomfortable dinner of my life.
I put on jeans a t-shirt and walk upstairs, pulling back my hair into a quick braid. Things might be awkward between us, but I promised him I’d help prepare dinner, and I don’t go back on my word.
“Wow,” I say, walking into the kitchen. There’s bowls of prepared food everywhere, the steam rising off of them as Sean turns around, holding a spoon. “Look at you.” I can’t help but smile at the half apron tied around his waist. “You started without me, huh?”
“I didn’t want you to feel obligated to help. I want you to enjoy today.”
I try not to internalize his words and pick them apart for a meaning that he never intended. Instead, I head to the espresso machine and make myself two shots. “You want anything?” I ask over my shoulder.
“Sure, thank you,” he says.
We prepare the little that remains together. I cut the potatoes and prepare the stuffing while Sean watches the turkey with an intense focus I usually only associate with game day.
I try not to linger next to him, only doing the things that I need to and staying out of his way. If he notices my distance, he doesn’t comment on it, and doesn’t seem to mind.
I sigh. Our first Thanksgiving together and I’m feeling out of place. I pull at the tie around the base of my braid and let my hair hang loose down my back. I wish Heather were coming. Instead, she’s going home to see her parents, leaving me here to feel a little bit alone.
“I can take care of the rest,” Sean says, his gaze scanning over me before turning away just as quickly. “If you want to get ready. Or relax.”
“O-okay.” I hesitate, and then turn around.
I don’t have a lot to get ready for. I exchange my t-shirt for a sweater that I think complements my eyes, and I rebraid my hair. It’s going to be Sean, me, Violet, Victoria, Connor, Tanner, and Jake at Thanksgiving. I don’t have anyone to impress. Well. I guess besides Victoria.
The last time she saw me I had my legs wrapped around Sean and his tongue down my throat.
I scrub my face with cleanser and reapply my moisturizer before taking out my makeup. Hopefully today will go a little bit better than that.
I pop the lid off my mascara and angle my face just right in front of the mirror. Maybe Victoria doesn’t remember. Maybe she doesn’t even know it was me.
