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These new, confusing boundaries that have emerged between us cast shadows over the connection we once shared. Did I imagine it all? Was it only for the sex?
That makes a sickening pit open in my stomach.
That can’t be. But he didn’t bother to explain, so I'm left grappling with the ache of witnessing Sean's vulnerability, unsure of how to bridge the gap that has grown between us, wondering how this could all possibly be my fault.
I just wish he would let me in.
As I get in the car to drive, I call Heather. She answers on the first ring.
“Is Sean okay? Are you okay?” she asks, breathless. She sounds worried, and I imagine her pacing back and forth.
“He’s been admitted overnight,” I say, choking on the words as a cry threatens to shudder through my chest again.
“Oh, Astrid, it’s going to be alright, okay? Everything is going to be alright.”
“He doesn’t want to see me, Heather.” The tears are back, flowing freely as I let my thoughts unload. “You should have seen him. He wanted nothing to do with me. It’s like my presence bothered him more than the injury did.” I sob.
My eyes are so blurry that I can barely see anything besides the glare of the passing headlights and the sparkle of the streetlights that I pass.
“That’s not it, Astrid, he’s just scared. And probably angry at himself for getting hurt. Men don’t like to seem vulnerable, you know?”
“I don’t think he wants me.” I hate the weakness in my voice, but it feels good to finally have a person to voice my fears to. I didn’t realize that I’d been holding them in for so long. “He doesn’t want me. And tonight confirmed it. I was convenient to him, nothing more.”
“Astrid…” her voice trails off. I can tell that she’s trying to say the right thing. I want to laugh. As if there could be a right thing to say in this terrible situation. I gave a piece of myself away to a man who’s so busy he could only ever love himself, and I’m surprised when he pushes me away.
I’ve been stupid.
“Astrid, listen. Give Sean a little time...” She clears her throat, and I can hear her movements shift as small sounds echo over the phone. Jake’s tiny voice fills the background.
I sniffle. “I’m sorry. I know that you’re busy, I didn’t mean to bother you,” I say. Of course she has Jake tonight. I’m being silly and selfish. It’s not that big of a deal. Maybe I just need some sleep.
“Oh, honey. You’re not bothering me, Astrid, listen, I always have time for you. Always.” I hear her pull away the phone to shush Jake, whose laughter bubbles up. “Listen. Everything is going to be okay.”
I’m tired of hearing those words. They don’t mean anything. It’s just something we say to people when there’s nothing else that we can do to make them feel better.
“Right, right, I know,” I sigh. I’m thankful for Heather, but she’s right. Even if she doesn’t know it. Because no matter what Sean wants or doesn’t, everything really will be okay. Because I have me. And that’s always going to be enough. “I know. Thank you for answering the phone…” I pause. “I just needed to get that off my chest.”
“I’m always here for you, Astrid, okay? I promise.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
CHAPTER 31
SEAN
The injury is more than just an inconvenience, it’s an awakening. A painful one. Coach is right, just not in the way that he thinks he is. I have been slipping, and that’s how I ended up injuring myself and getting benched for the foreseeable future. This is more than just hurting Astrid. I could hurt my family too.
Fuck. I stand to lose too much. I need to think of Violet. Her future is affected just as much as anything else, if not more. And Astrid. The fear on her face when she saw me hurt. I couldn’t take it if something happened to me and she was left to deal with the consequences of my actions. She has her own career, her own life. If we were to have a future, she wouldn’t deserve to become solely caretaker or stay-at-home mom just because I chose to have a career that comes with the possibility of fame and misfortune.
I pull at my hair. Everything about my life feels too fragile. When did my career and relationships become so tenuous? When did everything start to fall apart? And why does it have to happen at this time of the year?
I push the cart through the grocery store. It’ll take more than a torn rotator cuff to stop me. We’re having Thanksgiving at our house this year. Astrid offered to help me cook, even though it’ll be a small gathering. My parents can’t make it, but everyone is invited, even Victoria.
I can’t see how that can go wrong.
I groan when I reach the meat section. Nearly everything is bought already and we’re still a week out. Fuck. I guess I can’t do anything right.
