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Chapter 18
Grace wasn’t sure she could get more relaxed. Every bone in her body felt as if it had been turned into flexible rubber. She sighed and cuddled closer to Alexander, enjoying the moment and not thinking about much of anything.
He sat up a little to pull the edge of the blanket over her, flexing his stomach muscles. She recalled him mentioning working out, but somehow she thought his injury would make it difficult for him to maintain the same level of fitness that had been required when he was on active duty. Granted, he might not be able to run or climb, or do all the things he used to that required the full use of his legs, but his upper body was beyond impressive. Unable to resist, she traced the outline of his abs with her index finger.
Alexander seemed unaffected by her exploration of his body until he noticed her gaze had lowered to his legs. There were scars along both legs, but one had a long angry one that ran almost the entire length of his limb. She could only imagine the kind of pain he must have been in to have that type of damage.
“I wasn’t awake for most of it.” He seemed to sense the direction of her thoughts.
“But after? When you woke up?” Grace tilted her head up to look at him.
He shrugged. “I’m told I briefly regained consciousness during the transfer in Germany, but I don’t remember it. The first conscious memory I have is waking up stateside and by then I was being pumped full of morphine.”
The tough guy act wasn’t going to work with her. She knew better. “Still, eventually they had to take you off the morphine.”
Again, he downplayed it. “It wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.”
He wasn’t looking at her, but she could see the muscles in his jaw clenching. She thought back to the look on his face earlier. Things began clicking into place. They’d talked about it before, at least her side of things, the guilt, the confusion. But all that had been before they’d begun their agreement. Before they’d begun to have a physical relationship.
Grace rested her head on his shoulder, her gaze once again going to the scars on his legs. She worried her bottom lip and debated whether or not to say anything about the thoughts going through her head. She’d always been able to talk to him about things... things she couldn’t talk to anyone else about because he understood. But they were lying in her bed, naked, after having sex. Could she really ask him if he was feeling guilty about sleeping with her?
“You’re tensing up. Something’s bothering you.” It wasn’t a question.
“Just thinking.” She was hoping he wouldn’t press her, but of course she knew better.
“What are you thinking about?”
She hesitated a little too long.
“Are you having second thoughts about our arrangement?” He kept his tone even, but that only told her there was more emotion behind his question than he was letting on.
“No. I’m not having second thoughts.”
“Then what is it?” he asked. “And don’t tell me it’s nothing.”
Grace couldn’t help but grin. She hugged him tighter, some part of her fearing his reaction to what she was about to say. “I was thinking about the look on your face earlier when I was kneeling. You looked as if you were in pain.”
He didn’t bother trying to contradict her.
“And I was thinking about how I’d told you I was ready and still you waited for us to have sex.”
Again, he remained quiet.
Grace wasn’t sure how she felt about having a one-sided conversation, but she pressed on. “I was wondering if you were feeling guilty. About being with me. Physically, I mean.”
His body beneath her turned to stone. She’d obviously hit a nerve.
“This is what Kurt wanted. You shouldn’t feel guilty.” She paused. “Neither of us should.”
Grace lay listening to his breathing, letting what she’d said sink in. She had no idea if it would make any difference in his mind. Guilt was a funny thing. She knew that well.
Time dragged on with neither of them saying anything. The stiff set of his body hadn’t eased and she was beginning to regret saying anything. She should have let it go and changed the subject. That was if he would have let her.
“You’re right,” he said out of the blue. “A part of me does feel guilty, like I’m betraying him somehow.”
She squeezed her eyes shut as a wave of emotion hit her. “You’re not.”
He didn’t answer.
