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However, today is a big day for the three of us and that’s what I’m trying to focus on. For the last two days I’ve been bleeding very lightly, I feel sick to my stomach constantly, and my breasts hurt so much. We’ve done the first implant and now today we get to find out if I’m pregnant. I want this so bad for my friends and I’m hoping that I don’t disappoint them and the test comes back negative. I’ve been crossing my fingers because while I usually bleed lightly and my breasts become sore shortly before getting my period, I’m not ever nauseous. It’s bad enough that Hawkeye made a comment about it to me in private last night.
After showering and getting ready for the day, I make my way out to the living room. I’m still in the trailer because I’m not pregnant yet and I don’t want to intrude on Ricochet and Paige more than what I will be once I become pregnant. I’ll be living with them as of today if I’m pregnant. They want to be there for everything and make sure I’m safe. That the baby is safe. I won’t make them worry by refusing to be with them at their house. It’s something simple I can give them and it doesn’t mean that I won’t keep the trailer I’ve been renting for when this is over with. After I have their baby, I’ll move back to the trailer and move on with my life. A life that’s so completely up in the air right now and I don’t know what to do or think about any of it. Especially where Hawkeye is concerned.
“Sweets, you in here?” I hear Hawkeye’s voice as he enters the trailer and heads through the trailer toward my room.
“Yeah. Just finishing getting ready to head out. Ricochet and Paige will be here soon to pick me up,” I answer him, brushing out my long hair.
“I know. I’m goin’ with you guys,” he informs me, only confusing me even more.
“Why are you going with us, Hawkeye?” I question him, setting down the brush on my dresser and turning to face him.
“Because I want to be there for you, sweets. Look, I know we’ve gotta talk. We’ve got some time now. We won’t be able to get into all of it, but I can clear up most of it for you. I want you, Tara. More than I’ve ever fuckin’ wanted another woman in my life. Am I scared as fuck to be with you? Yeah, I am. When I was in high school, I was fuckin’ hurt. More than I’ve been hurt in my entire life. I spent two years of my life with this girl. Fell for all of her lies, fell in love with her, and thought she wanted me for me. The bitch told me she was pregnant with my baby after I started Prospectin’ for the club back home. Another lie. It turns out she wasn’t pregnant and only wanted me so I could get her in with the club. She didn’t even want to be an ol’ lady. She wanted to be a club girl to take all the biker cock she could get.
“Even before her I never wanted an ol’ lady and kids. I always wanted to be an officer in the club. An Enforcer like I am now. That paints a target on any woman and kids I have. I know that’s not always the case. Shit happens in life and we all know that. The trouble we’re facing right now, that isn’t because of one of the members in the club. It’s because there’s a greedy, sadistic fuck out there thinkin’ he can take two of our ol’ ladies. That’s not on my shoulders at all. I’ll give my life to protect them though. And I don’t want to leave an ol’ lady and kids behind. Once that bitch betrayed me, I knew even more that I didn’t want a relationship with anyone. I’d fuck and move on to the next. That all fuckin’ changed when I met you. The very fuckin’ second I saw you standin’ there in the clubhouse I knew you were gonna be mine,” Hawkeye tells me, stepping up into my space and placing his hands on my hips.
“I can’t be half in and out with you, Brax. It’s either we’re both all in, or this stops. Whatever this is. I don’t even know what to call it. I have to focus on what I’m doing for your brother and Paige. That can’t happen if I’m worried about you and what we have between us. Brax, you know I want to be with you. Hell, I’m already half in love with you. I see the side of you that you don’t want anyone else to see. A side only your parents, sister, and brothers get to see. That’s not just who you are though. You’re strong, loyal, supportive, protective, loving, caring, and so fucking sweet. You put everyone before yourself and worry about the safety of everyone in your family. Not just blood members, but the family you’ve chosen to surround yourself with.
“I’m sorry that you were betrayed and hurt so bad by that bitch in high school. But, I’m not her. I’m a grown ass woman who knows what the fuck I want, who I want, and where I see myself in the future. I’m just about ready to open my shop finally after all the delays that have been happening recently. So, when you figure out what you really want from me, let me know. Until then, I need my space from you, Brax. I can’t see you every damn day knowing that you can’t give me what I want or need. I also can’t watch you with the club girls or random pieces of ass you find when you go out. I do love you, Brax, but this is too hard for me. You’re playing with my feelings and it’s not fair to me. So, after this appointment today, I need the space and time to get over you,” I tell him, my eyes filling with tears at the thought of losing a man I know I want in my life more than anything.
“Don’t do this, sweets. Please don’t do this,” he pleads with me, his voice breaking as he pulls me into his arms and holds me tight to his strong, hard body.
I let him hold me for a minute before pulling away from him. Stepping back, I make my way into the bathroom to put the finishing touches on myself. Mainly swiping some mascara over my lashes and tossing my hair up into a messy bun. I don’t have the energy to do much more than that today. Walking back into my room, I find Hawkeye standing where I left him. His head is hanging and I want to take the pain and hurt away that I’ve caused him. I just can’t do it right now. I have to make sure he knows I’m serious about this. I deserve better than what I’ve been getting from him. All the mixed signals, the fucking and nothing more, and telling me that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone. Including me.
Passing by him, I grab my purse and make my way out to the living room. Taking a seat on my couch, I open the bottle of water that I carry with me at all times now. I’ve also got some mints and hard candy tossed in my purse for when I feel nauseous and need something to take it away. Hawkeye follows me and sits in the recliner on the opposite side of the room. He watches me and I want to say something to him, but I don’t honestly know what to say to fix this. The next move is his to make and I won’t force him to do anything he doesn’t really want to.
“I’m sorry, sweets. I just need time,” he finally says, his voice breaking and weak as I look at him.
“You can have all the time you need, Hawkeye. I just need the space from you while you take your time and do what you gotta do. I’m sorry because I know that hurts you, but that’s how I need things to be,” I say as a knock sounds on the door.
Getting up, I make my way over and look to see Paige and Ricochet standing on the porch. I can see the excitement they both feel at what we’re about to find out today. Hopefully even after the appointment they have that same excitement shining in their eyes. I can’t have them upset and disappointed because I’ve failed them. I open the door and Paige immediately wraps me up in a huge hug.
“Are you ready to go?” I ask them, wanting to get out of the trailer with Hawkeye.
It will be even worse in the truck with him, but at least that’s only for a short ride to the doctor’s office. Then, I can begin to avoid him and start to get over the man that has consumed me for so fucking long now. Longer than I’ve ever spent with anyone else. Like Hawkeye, it takes a lot for me to actually let someone in. I did that with him and everyone else in the club. There was no hesitation on my part or anything because these men and women are some of the best I’ve ever met in my life. My mom would be proud of me for letting them in the way I have. Maybe she’s watching over me and put them in my life for a reason. For this moment we’re about to have right now.
I’ve had my vitals taken, peed in a cup, been examined by Doc, and had blood taken. Ricochet, Paige, Hawkeye, and I are now sitting in Doc’s office to get the results of the tests. She’s just waiting on the blood test to come back after putting a rush on it. She’s recently added a lab to her office and they know that my tests are the highest priority today. I’m so nervous. My palms are sweating, I’m shaking, and my heart is racing as if I’ve just run a marathon. I feel as if I’ve just run one.
I’d love to reach out to Hawkeye and accept his comfort and strength. I can’t do that though. He’s here for his brother and nothing more. It’s time for me to stop relying on the man I’ve come to depend on and go through this alone. Well, I’ll have Ricochet, Paige, Kevlar, Lyric, and others at my side, but I won’t have Hawkeye. Not any longer. He’s not my man and I was stupid for letting him get close to me in the first place. I should’ve kept it sex only and made sure I reinforced the walls surrounding my heart every time I saw him. Now, I’m gonna be heartbroken while going through this for friends. It’s not ideal, but I’ll make it work.
Finally, Doc comes in her office and takes a seat in the chair behind her desk. After sitting in silence for a minute, she gets the largest smile on her face and looks directly at me.
“You’re pregnant, Tara. The implantation took and you’re now officially carrying Paige and Ricochet’s baby. Congratulations everyone,” Doc says, tears filling my eyes because I’m so happy this worked. That I didn’t disappoint these two wonderful people who deserve to have a baby of their own.
“Oh my God!” Paige says, jumping out of her chair and rushing over to lean down and hug me so tight.
We hug and cry together because today is fucking magic. This is the best news we could’ve been given and I can’t be happier. Paige releases me and Ricochet swoops in to give me a hug of his own. He’s got tears in his eyes and that fills my heart with happiness. This right here makes this all worth it. No one else would understand the emotions these two people are feeling right now. They wouldn’t get why this is so important to make Paige’s dream a reality. The look on Ricochet’s face and the tears sliding down his face make this worth everything we’ve been through leading up to this very second.
When Ricochet pulls back, Hawkeye gives me a hug.
“Thank you for givin’ them this, sweets. You’ve made my brother so fuckin’ happy and that means the world to me,” he whispers in my ear so no one else can hear him.
“Now, you’ll have to come in again in two weeks, Tara. I want to do an ultrasound and make sure everything is going good. Like I did with Kasey, we’re going to treat this as a high risk pregnancy. I’d rather be safe and make sure that nothing happens then risk something we weren’t counting on,” Doc says once everyone is back in their seats.
“I’ll do anything and everything you tell me to do,” I tell her while looking at Ricochet and Paige. “This is for them and I’m not about to take any chances.”
“I know you won’t,” Paige says, her face buried into Ricochet’s chest as he holds her close in their happiness. “We trust you and know you’ll do everything in your power to ensure our little one is safe and protected.”
“Thank you, Tara. You have no clue what this truly means to us. You’ve given us a gift not many others would do without getting anything in return for it. You’re the most selfless person I’ve ever met and I will owe you until the day I die,” Ricochet says as Doc goes over a few more things with us before we all leave the office.
