AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“No, this is very fucking important,” I snapped, as Niamh cast me a worried glance. “Mam, tell me again what my dad’s name is.”
My mother stirred again and frowned, trying to remember what she’d said just a few seconds earlier. I watched her paper-dry lips move soundlessly as she pulled the words together. “No, I’m not allowed to tell you that, am I?” she muttered to herself. “He said… after I let him... that Christmas. A hunn’ed punt, he gave me, but said I mustn’t tell. Didn’t want to spoil the secret. Said I’d not be getting another thing off him if I told.”
I was only vaguely aware of Lilith’s steady, cool hand sliding into my considerably clammy and unsteady one. “God Mam please, just tell me,” I pleaded.
“Ah, sure he won’t mind if I say just this once.” My mother gave a beatific smile, all her guile and malice devoured by her dementia. “D’you remember a nice fella called Jimmy Boy Dean?”
“Tack, what is it? You’ve gone like a ghost.” Niamh’s voice came from the far end of a tunnel. “What did she mean?”
I was aware that I was making a ghastly sound somewhere between hysterical laughter and a choking sob. I clung on to Lilith’s hand in a futile attempt to stop myself tumbling into the abyss that had just opened in front of me, but it was no good because I had already fallen years before. “What she means is, my first time was with my own da.”
As Niamh gave a soft cry of horror, acrid bile rose in my throat and I ran for the door.
Lilith
I followed the sound of retching and found Finn hunched over a toilet in the visitors’ bathroom. Once again his life had managed to take me beyond a place where mere words could make a difference and all I could do was hunker down next to him and stroke his rigid back as he heaved and threw up a stomachful of nothing.
Finn finally lifted his head from the bowl and stared straight through me with dull, unfocused eyes. Despite the tropical heat of the hospice he was shivering hard, and I was genuinely worried that he was going into shock. “Christ. Well I wasn’t fuckin’ expecting that,” he said with impressive understatement.
I stood and offered him my hand. “Come on, let’s get you back to the hotel. I’ll call Niamh and Feargal on the way and let them know what we’re doing.”
“Nah.” Finn drew the back of his hand across his mouth and shook his head. “Not happenin’. We do what we planned. Go back to theirs, yeah? Have tea.” His voice was a hoarse rasp.
“No way,” I said. “You need -”
“What I need, Lili, is to see this through, not do another runner,” Finn interrupted. “For Niamh’s sake. Jesus, why the hell did I say anything in there? I don’t think she even knew that Jimmy had fucked me until now; she shouldn’t have had to hear that.”
I sat back down next to him and kept trying. “And neither should you. Bloody hell, if I’m struggling to get my head around what your mother’s just said, I hate to think what it’s doing to you. And yes, I know it was tough on Niamh but it’s you I’m worried for, Finn.”
He hugged me close and let me put my arms around him, then fell silent for a few moments as he pulled his words together. “Look, this isn’t anything like what happened in Spain, okay? I mean sure, I’m not in the best shape right now but I’m not hearin’ voices and I don’t feel the urge to stub anything out on any part of my anatomy. Mind you I probably haven’t even started processing it yet.”
I smiled. “That’s good to hear, but for the record I still think it’s a particularly shit plan.”
“Maybe, but I can do it, I promise. It’ll just be for an hour or so – I reckon I’ve got the energy to get through that – and then we can go back to The Rossmont and I can start unpacking things.” Finn gave me a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “I think I’m gonna need you with me tonight, Lili.”
To my frustration, there wasn’t a perfect solution to any of this. If we stayed Finn would give more energy than he could spare to his sister, but if we left he’d beat himself up for his imagined crime of letting her down and get himself into an even bigger state; in the circumstances all I could do was stand by him.
I sighed. “You’re a stubborn fucker, aren’t you, Strachan?”
“Takes one to know one.” He kissed the top of my head. “Jesus, but I’m lucky to have you.”
“Aren’t you just?” I gave him one last embrace then got to my feet. “Right. Shall we get this ridiculous thing over with, then?”
“Um…” Finn said.
I stopped at the doorway. “’Um’? That is really not a good word to be hearing right now, Finn.”
“Yeah, so there’s, um, like, one little thing…” He had found an interesting spot on the floor to contemplate.
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Go on.”
“Okay, so you know I normally do breakfast now, yeah?”
“Yes, and I know you didn’t manage it this morning.”
Finn ran his hands through his hair. “Yeah, well you know that’s when I normally take my meds so I don’t forget…”
I stared at him in horror. “Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me!”
