AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I cuddled into Finn on the back seat of the limo on the way back to out hotel, and took stock. The first part of the reunion had gone more smoothly than either of us could have hoped, but I knew from experience that this was where things could get dangerous. I didn’t imagine for a moment that visiting Finn’s dying excuse for a mother was going to be half as pleasant.
Chapter Sixteen
Lilith
The hospice receptionist buzzed us into the building and I linked my arm through Finn’s. At that moment I wasn’t quite sure which one of us was being the supportive one, and I could only hope it would be a quick visit.
“And you’re sure you’re still good with this, yeah?” Finn asked. “Y’know, after what you went through with your own mam and everything?”
To my disquiet, fifteen year old Clarissa Montfort, the child I used to be, stood next to me for the briefest moment and gazed blankly at her mother’s worn-out shell, that she’d finally successfully destroyed…
“God yes, this is nothing like it,” I said with as much enthusiasm as I could muster, and gave what I hoped was a reassuring squeeze of his bicep as I focused on not throwing up. The smell never really changed. The brand of disinfectant might vary, the air freshener might be a new brand and the menu might be All New and Improved, but there would always be that top note of decay, of everyday lives stuttering to a sad little end.
A young woman wearing a neat nurse’s tunic in some disgusting shade of lilac trotted over to us.
“Ooh, you’ll be here to see Mrs Strachan – Agnes – will you?” She gave us a smile and patted Finn on the arm. “Ah, your mam’s a bit of a tinker, but we all love her to bits. Now I’m guessing you’re Finn and… Lilian, is it?”
“Lilith,” I managed, between clenched teeth. The woman was warm, earnest and clearly dedicated to her profession and I already wanted to flay her alive with my teeth for one stupid error. I was clearly not at my best.
“Ah Lilith. Of course. I’m sorry. Well I’m Carol, and I’m your mam’s assigned nurse, Finn. That means I’m responsible for looking after her, and making sure she’s got joined-up care and is as comfy as possible whilst she’s staying with us.”
“That’s, uh… good of you, thanks,” Finn offered, which was generous of him. I would have been happier to discover that they were keeping her in the cellar and feeding her the occasional rat.
“We just need to pop this way – mam’s room is just at the end here.” Carol trilled, and I wondered at which point she had joined the Strachan family.
“It’s ever so lovely, and probably the nicest room we’ve got here,” the nurse continued. “She’s as content as she can be, and we always make sure she has some lovely fresh flowers. She really likes them, especially chrysanths. Now, mam’ll look a wee bit poorly but try not to let that bother you and just talk to her normally, yeah? She’s kinda sleepy these days, but I promise she can still hear everything you say.”
We walked down a long, brightly lit and pastel-painted corridor that had been decorated with cheery prints of kittens and seaside scenes in an attempt to mask the truth of death.
In contrast to the November chill that had wrapped itself like a wraith around the building, inside the hospice it was as warm and humid as an orchid house, and the tranquil hush of the place seemed to be transforming into a suffocating silence with every step that we took.
As we approached the end of the passage I wrapped my fingers around the inhaler in my pocket; a talisman against my breath being stolen from me.
“And here we are,” Carol said as she opened the door for us. “I’ll just leave you here, okay? Agnes my love, you’ve got more visitors,” she called. “Now isn’t that nice?”
I heard Finn give a soft moan under his breath as we caught first sight of the breathing cadaver on the bed and to my disgust I had to shut my eyes, wasting valuable seconds until it became his mother lying there instead of my own. I was here for Finn, I reminded myself; this was not a time for my own frailties to make an appearance. “Are you ready to do this thing, sweetheart?” I asked.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m ready,” Finn lied as we stepped over the threshold. Suddenly this felt like a very bad idea indeed.
Finn
To my relief Niamh and Feargal were already there, solid and real in the middle of this trial. They’d been doing this for months now, I reminded myself; I could manage half an hour.
We did that awkward thing where extra chairs had to be found and rearranged so that everyone could have a place at the bedside, and the very moment we sat down, what was left of my mother woke up. Her jaundiced eyes widened in surprise to see me at her bedside and I felt like the detested eldest child again, stripped to the very marrow under her gaze.
“Jimmy?” she asked.
For a moment, I forgot how to breathe. “What did she just call me?”
“Ah now mam, you’re getting confused again,” Niamh said. “It’s Finn, yeah? Your son? You said you wanted to see him, remember.”
“Oh. Finn. Not Jimmy.” My mother peered at me, trying to focus on my face, and her twig fingers picked at the hem of her bedcover. “It’s just you look so much like your da.”
The blood roared ocean-loud in my ears as Niamh leaned over the bed. “No, that’s not right. Finn’s dad was called Dave wasn’t he, mam?” she prompted. “The one you met in a nightclub, yeah?”
I nodded in agreement. After all this was the story I knew; the one I’d believed without question all my life.
“Ach, I suppose it’s just a name, isn’t it? Just a name. Not important...” My mother settled back into her pillow again and shut her eyes. Sparse wisps of white hair settled round her face like an undeserved halo.
