AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“I need an epidural,” she whines, though it’s most likely too late for one. When she sees me, her head rolls back in relief. “Remi, ahh,” She cries out.
“Baby.” I rush to her side and kiss her forehead. “How far apart are they?” I ask Jay as I smooth her hair back.
“Seven minutes. Doctor’s on her way now. This kid is ready to pop out.” Jay looks at the clock hanging on the wall.
Doctor Haily pushes through the door thirty seconds later. “Alright, let’s have a baby,” she cheers, sitting in front of Mae’s legs.
“Epidural!” Mae demands.
“It’s too late for that. Mae, this baby is coming,” the doctor explains, organizing the tools she needs to deliver.
“No, argh. Give me a fucking epidural.” Queeny is about to lose it.
“Baby, you didn’t want one, remember?” I speak low in her ear, hoping to calm her.
“I can change my mind! It’s the twenty-goddamn-first century, for chrissakes.” She huffs a few breaths. “A woman can change her mind,” she shrieks.
“Not when you’re fully dilated,” Doctor Haily explains, reaching under Mae. “The baby is crowning.” She looks at me. “Do you want to see the head?”
I jump at the opportunity to watch this miracle, not really thinking about what I am actually going to witness. Big mistake. These moments are precious and life-changing, I know, but I’m not sure I’ll ever get the image of my wife’s hoo-ha stretching over a basketball out of my mind.
“Oh.” I gulp, shifting toward Mae, trying to keep the contents of my stomach in place. I may be ecstatic about my kid being born, but I don’t think I would stay upright if I watched it.
“Yaaaah,” Mae wails. “Get it out. Get it out!”
“Mars Bars, you have to relax. See? Breathe like me.” Jay starts their expulsion again, and I swear Mae’s head rotates like she’s possessed.
“You fucking relax. I’m the one having to push a whale out of a goldfish and shit myself in the process.”
Jay’s face scrunches in perplexity. “That’s not actually possible. You see, whales come from—”
“Are you shitting me right now?” she yells.
“No, but you will be.” Their grin wanes when they see the murderous look in Mae’s eyes.
“Okay, Mommy’s helpers, hold her legs. The baby is coming,” the doctor announces. “Mae, start pushing.”
I cannot get over the image of the crowning head pushing through my wife’s vagina, but I do as I’m told and try not to pass out.
Jay starts singing Salt-N-Peppa. I join in for encouragement. The nurses rap, poppin’ it in their scrubs.
“Are you fucking serious right now?” Queeny shrieks. But she’s been screaming for the last ten minutes, so it’s more like a pleasant whisper. “My body is being ripped in half, and you’re gettin’ jiggy with it.” She’s incredulous.
“That’s The Fresh Prince,” Jay corrects, unphased by the Mommy Monster that is ready to strangle someone.
Queeny grabs my t-shirt and yanks me down. “I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.”
It’s me. Hi. I’m someone.
Her lips curl, revealing clenched teeth. “Look what you did. I hope you’re happy with yourself.” She throws her head back with a guttural growl derived from the gates of hell.
I’d be scared if I wasn’t so excited. The baby is coming. Our baby.
“You’re doing so good, love,” I coo.
“Fuck off. Just fuck right off.”
Okay, then.
