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“I was a junkie who learned quickly that her father was a badass biker, living in a world I didn’t know existed.” We both laugh. “It feels like another lifetime, doesn’t it.”
“We’ve all come so far, that’s for sure. But don’t forget just how far you have come, Ky. You’re so strong, and I know you can get through this.”
I kiss her on the cheek and drag myself out of the car. She waits till I’m in the door before she drives away.
The silence in the house is the worst to deal with. Even when I’ve been home alone, it’s never been this quiet. I turn the television on in the kitchen just for the noise. Dumping my purse on the table, I pour myself a glass of wine and take a seat at the table.
Pulling out the letters from my father, I wish there was one from Rick. I thought we had said everything to each other, that we both knew how and what the other felt for one another. But now he’s gone, there’s so much I want to say to him, that I want to hear from him. Even if it’s something he’s told me a million times before. God, I miss the sound of his voice so much.
I read Dad’s letter to Rick first, and I’m not surprised by his words. I knew he felt this for my husband.
I carefully open mine and pull out his words. After three large gulps of wine and a deep breath, I begin reading.
To my darling daughter,
I don’t know where to start with you, but I’ll start with you know my love for you is beyond any description I can think of. When I think of death, I think of the natural order in life. I think of what I’ll be leaving behind, and I’ve found myself, at this point in time, not having a single concern for you or the kids.
There was a time when I thought I had lost you, but I guess we both know that I was never gonna be the father that would allow that. You overcame your addiction and look at everything you have to be grateful for. Precious children and grandchildren. A loving home. A husband who treats you like you should be treated. When my time comes, and it is coming soon, I’m afraid, I can leave you with Ricky and the twins to protect you. I can leave you knowing the club will be there for you. I told you all those years ago that the club is a family. You saw it for yourself a long time ago. Every one of those fuckers will be there for you in times of need. I’m gonna be with yourmother soon, and I can’t wait. I’ve missed her too much. Every day closer to my end, the pull toward her grows more potent.
I look forward to when she takes my hand and tells me I’m home. When you think of me, please think of me with her 'cause that’s where I’m going to be for all eternity.
Never forget you’ll always be my daughter, blood, and soul. Stay strong, continue being the incredible mother you are, and look out for Rick. We’ll see each other again one day. Until then, I’ll be watching over you.
All my love and protection, your father.
Victoria
With River sleeping between Luca and me in his car seat, we head back to the city like my mom wished for. I don’t know if I’m numb or just going through the motions of grieving and still living.
I pluck the envelope Myles gave me before we left from my purse and open it.
To my beautiful granddaughter,
Please don’t be sad, my little ray of sunshine. I’m not. I’m at peace, well, I’m not gone yet, but when I am, I will be. Know that as fact. I have had the absolute pleasure of watching you come into this world and grow into a kind, generous, beautiful woman and now mother. I’ve told you before that when I go I’m leaving you my money. Your father will take care of it and make sure you get it. I know Luca will always provide for you, but it makes this old man happy to know that if shit ever hits the fan for whatever reason, that you’ll be able to take care of yourself. I wish I could watch River grow and see what kind ofman he will turn out to be. If he turns out like his father or you, he’ll be a great man. If he’s the perfect blend of you both, he’ll be a man to do great things, that I have no doubt.
Never let anything, no matter how bad life seems at the time, drag you down. You have always been the light of our darkness. I’ve needed that, and so does your father and brothers, and now Luca. He’s going to do great things in the city, and he’s going to need you much more than you’ll need him. The world seems to be changing, and you’re both young enough to ride with the times. I’m too old and knocking on death’s door to accept all this new technology and shit. Give me a bike and a gun, and I know where I stand. Give me your grandmother to love, and I’ll protect her. That shit came easy for me. You kids will have so much more than I ever did, and I love that for you. Keep being you, and you’ll never fail. Show your love, Victoria. Give your kindness, but don’t let anyone take it for weakness.
Until the day we see each other again, know that you’ve made this old man proud.
All my love, Grandpa.
Wiping my eyes, I use my sleeve to dry my cheeks. Every breath I release shuddering as it escapes from me.
“What did he have to say?” Luca asks.
I can’t bring myself to repeat it. I pass it over to him. Thankfully, we’re on a quiet road. Flicking his eyes from the road to the letter and so on, he reads it and passes it back to me.
“It’s nothing you don’t already know,” he reminds me.
“I know. Fuck, I know life’s gonna go on and all that, but I can’t imagine life without him, without Dad.”
He stretches his arm across the seat and squeezes my shoulder. My chest rises and falls too quickly, and I can’t grasp enough air to breathe.
“Please… stop…”
With the Dog City brothers riding behind us, he swings the truck over to the side of the road, and I throw open the door. Jumping out, I don’t stop walking until I’m in someone’s field and drop down to my knees. Digging my fingers into the earth, I need to feel something, anything to help ground me. The tears come, and they flood down my cheeks. My chest is racked with sobs. My cries reaching their ghosts. Luca’s arms circle me, and he holds me tightly against him.
“I’ve got you,” he whispers.
