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I’m so overwhelmed that I don’t even know if what I need is what I want anymore, or vice versa.
I do know that when Jax was kissing me, I was calm and sated. I felt airless but full at the same time. But then I started overthinking and my mind kicked into high gear, struggling to fight for attention while I managed to let myself feel something I know I’ve been craving. I was trying to gain control of something that I didn’t need to gain control over.
I don’t know how to explain it, but the only thing that is occupying my brain right now is the thought of running after this man. The man I begged to leave. But I want him to stay.
I rush out of the bathroom and push through the people in the hall to try and spot Jax. He’ll probably think I’m fucking crazy, but I don’t care. I need to find him.
I turn the corner and look toward the dance floor frantically but I don’t see him right away. I look toward the door, knowing that he can’t have made it that far so quickly. I push past a few more people when I see his leather jacket out of the corner of my eye.
I turn to look at him right as he throws back four fingers of something clear, then slams the tumbler on the bar and before heading toward the exit.
This is bad.
I run as quickly as I can behind him, bumping into people left and right. I don’t yell his name because that will garner attention I don’t want. I watch him leave the building and I finally reach a clearing that allows me to book it after him—my feet really fucking hurt right now.
I make it outside to find that it’s pouring rain. I look around to see where he went and that’s when I hear the engine of his motorcycle come to life. I run around to the side of the building, and he’s parked right up against the wall, our eyes make contact.
He’s merely feet away, the rain is storming down on us as the moon is high in the night sky and provides the only lighting for us in this dark parking lot.
“Don’t you fucking dare!” I yell at him, feeling the pain crawl deeper into my skin. My heart is racing and everything is blurring around me.
But when he looks at me, I feel hatred dripping from his eyes. And it tears me apart. But I don’t want him to get on the motorcycle. He can’t get on that motorcycle.
Jax lifts his helmet over his head, and I take another step toward him.
“Jax, don’t fucking do it!” I yell again, and though I know he heard me the first time, I make a point to raise my voice.
He pauses, hesitation descends from him almost like the rain pours from the sky. I can feel my makeup smearing on my face as the drops of water slide down my skin. My sweater is getting heavy from the rainwater and my hair is starting to dampen.
“Please don’t get on that bike,” I say with more melancholy than I intend to, but he can’t leave. One, because I made a mistake and I need him to stay with me. But two, he’s had too much to drink from what I saw and it’s too messy out here for him to see straight.
He takes the helmet off aggressively and tucks it under his arm.
“I’m not drunk, Hollis. I can drive,” he states, acknowledging that he knew exactly what I was demanding from him.
“I saw you at the bar. It’s storming, Jax. Please just…” I swipe raindrops from my brow as I pull on the sleeves of my sweater, the rain making the cold bite with an icy tone. “Just let me take you home. We can get your bike in the morning.” I don’t want to admit to him that I need him to stay because I’ve made up my mind. I need him to calm down first and agree to come with me. I need him to want the same thing.
“Nah, I think I’ll be doing exactly what you fucking asked me to do.” He turns back to his bike, and I can’t stop the force driving my need to make sure he doesn’t take off on that bike.
“Stop!” I demand. “Jax, if you get on that bike, I-” I swallow down the lump in my throat as I try to hold back tears that attempt to shed. “I don’t know what I’d do with myself if something happened to you.” My admission feels like a betrayal to the promise I made myself eleven years ago. That I never wanted to see him again. But the truth is, all I’ve ever wanted was to see him again. And it can’t end like this.
“Oh, like you fucking care Hollis.” He tosses his helmet onto the ground, splashing in the puddle of mud that’s been created due to the rainwater mixing with the dirt parking lot.
I jump, having not expected him to react like that. Regardless, adrenaline pumps through my veins as the rain hits the top of my head. But as Jax walks a few steps closer to me, I can feel my space tighten but my body visibly relaxes. Kind of like it did when he kissed me just moments ago. I try to force my mind to calm down as well, or else I blow it again.
“I do care,” I whisper wondering if he even hears me over the thunder and the strong patter of the rain. I sure as fuck can’t hear myself over the drum that is my beating heart. “I care so fucking much that I hurt physically because of what you’ve done. I care so fucking much that I can’t let you get on that bike, Jax. Not like this.”
My last word leaves on a gurgled breath, like the tears I’ve been trying to deny are about to break free whether I want them to or not.
“Hollis, I’ve never had someone walk away from me as many times as you have. I can’t keep fucking doing this with you!” I can hardly see the blue in Jax’s eyes at this point. The rain acts as a film in front of me on top of how dark it is outside, and I can tell that what I’ve put him through is taxing.
“You walked away from me first,” I say.
“I had to go to school, Hollis! I had no fucking choice!” His defensiveness doesn’t throw me off, the plan was always for him to leave, and I know but that isn’t the point.
“Yeah, well I guess I didn’t have a choice either,” I whisper. I don’t intend to make him angry, I’m trying to speak my mind here. He’s been asking for the truth and I don’t know how exactly to tell him everything yet but apparently, it’s not good enough.
“What the hell does that mean? Fuck, this.” He pushes off the wall and leans over for his helmet, wiping off the mud with his bare hand before leaning over his bike.
