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“Moral support, buffer. Someone to keep Jax in his place for you,” Hollis explains her presence and I can see a smile crack on my mom’s face.
“Come in,” she says as she opens the door for us. “Need anything to drink?” she asks and we both shake our heads.
It feels a bit transactional, but I know that’s only because it’s awkward right now. I probably scared my mom to death and I can only imagine how stupid I made everyone feel.
Mom leads Hollis and I to the couches in the living room. My mom sits on one couch, I sit across from her, and Hollis sits in a lone chair between the both of us off to the side.
“Don’t mind me,” she states. “I’m just the mediator if things go south.” She leans back and tries to blend in with the upholstery of the chair she’s in. She crosses her legs and stares blankly in front of her.
I’m so in love with this girl and everything about her. I swear to God I’m going to spend every day showing her and telling her just how fucking much she means to me in times like this.
“Who wants to start?” Hollis asks and both my mom and I just look at each other for a beat. I know that I need to be the one to start but mom opens her mouth and speaks up first.
“Jeff has a gambling addiction,” she blurts out. And I think both mine and Hollis’ mouths hang agape.
“What?” I ask as if I didn’t hear her properly.
“Jeff started doing some game nights with friends a few years ago. Game nights led to trips to the casinos, then online betting. It started eating into our savings. I told him to stop, but he’d lost so much money that he swore he could win it all back if he could just have a little more.” Mom’s eyes start to get watery as she lays her personal life out on the table for me.
How could I be so fucking stupid for jumping down their throats the other night? Sure, I’m still mad, knowing that Jeff was the actual problem. But the pain in my mother’s eyes tells me that it’s way more serious and detrimental than what I should be causing any more problems for. Seems like they already have so much to deal with.
“The debt piled on and piled on, they started garnishing both of our wages. We couldn’t afford to pay bills and…” She reaches for the box of tissues in the center of the table between us.
I look over at Hollis and she has her head dipped but I can see empathy coat her face.
“It’s embarrassing, I know. And he knows he screwed up, Jax. I only asked you for the money because I knew you wouldn’t ask us to pay it back–as shitty as that sounds. And even if you did, there wouldn’t be interest tacked on to the payments unlike if we were to take out a loan. We have so many loans out as it is, it was hard to keep up for a while. But your money really helped put us into a decent spot for the debt. We only owe-”
“Mom, stop,” I interrupt her. I don’t need her to air out any more of her problems just to explain a situation that I severely misread. “I don’t need to hear the rest.” I want to put her out of her misery. I hate that she’s only telling me this because of my actions the other night. I hate that she couldn’t be fucking honest with me. I hate that I could have done more to help but chose to take the route that I thought would least affect me, once again not thinking of anyone else in the process.
“Where is Jeff now?” I ask, trying to keep my temper and voice calm.
“He checked into a gambling rehab facility yesterday. He knew the fight that you had caused was his sign, surprisingly enough. Not the thousands of dollars he drained from our accounts.” She fiddles with her thumbs in her lap as she tears her attention away from me.
“Mom, I’m so sorry for the other night. I had no right; I was drunk and I just felt so used by you and….” I look over to Hollis and decide to stop myself short. It’s an admission that feels strange to say out loud but that’s only because I’m taking accountability for my actions.
“I know I made you feel less than because I gave you a hard time about moving back with your dad. But I hate that you think I didn’t love you the same. It’s just-” She takes a deep breath. “You look so much like your dad. And he really broke my heart, Jaxon. It was hard for me to look at you at times and I know that it isn’t your fault. I didn’t care what you were doing with your life, I just cared that you were happy. I didn’t talk to you much when you were away because I knew how hard you were working and when things started going downhill with Jeff’s addiction, I didn't want you involved or to give you any reason to feel obligated to move back. You have made me so proud. You followed your dreams despite what I wanted you to do. You didn’t let anything stop you from doing what you wanted and now…” She looks over at Hollis who is only looking at me. “You’ve got this brave, beautiful girl by your side and I just know your two are going to do great things together.” I look back at my mom who is smiling, tears shedding down her face.
Another situation that I misunderstood because I was only concerned about myself. I put so much blame on so many people in my life because I thought I was doing right by them, but really, I was just focused on how I felt and what the outcome would be for me. It hurts to hear my mom talk about her struggles. And I hate that I pushed her away because I thought she didn’t love me as much. How pathetic does that sound now in the grand scheme of things?
After a few more exchanges of explanations and apologies, Hollis leaves the room and waits for me outside so that my mom and I can finish up our conversation. It takes a little longer than I expect but when I go outside—the night taking over the horizon as the sun sets behind the trees—I find her sitting on the porch swing just looking up at the moon.
“What you thinking about?” I ask as I approach her, careful not to disturb the way the silence cascades over us while the ethereal sounds of nature settle into the air.
She kicks her feet slightly to push the swings back and forth, a shy smile is displayed on her lips.
“There once was this boy that I had a crush on. He had the most beautiful eyes and a very charming smile. He was funny, and sweet but I wasn’t sure if he liked me back or not.” Her eyes never leave the skies, her hair pushed back behind her ears and her nose piercing glints in the moonlight.
Hollis is stunning. So fucking, painfully stunning.
“What happened?” I ask, entertaining her little flashback as I join her on the swing.
“He grew up. And he left me. And I decided to push him away and keep him there even after he wanted to come back. I think we both realized that we made some mistakes. But I don’t think we were meant to be together back then. I think they needed to go through different shit in life in order to be ready to love each other the way that they needed in the present.” She finally looks over at me, the reflection of the moonlight bounces off her dark irises and her lips purse when she sees me look down to them.
“After all this time,” I say and she dips her head and smiles.
“What’s gonna happen with you mom?” she asks, reaching to grab my hand.
“Well, I’m gonna help her sell the house. Jeff will be in treatment for a while and I’ll help her find a cheap apartment to live in for the time being. I think that’ll be a good start for now. I know a really good lawyer who might be able to help with the debt stuff, or might know of someone who can help. You remember TJ, right?” I question and she nods, referring to one of my older friends. One of the few who accepted my friendship with Hollis back then.
