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When Hanna hadn’t wanted to spend the day with us, I felt weird about it. On one hand, it made sense that she wanted me to spend alone time with my daughter. But I’d gotten used to being with Hanna since she moved in.
I wondered if there was something else behind it. Was she avoiding us? Or did she need time with her friends to talk about us? I wanted to know what she shared about our relationship.
“Everything okay?” Knox asked.
After dinner, my brothers and I usually ended up on the deck to share a drink. Tonight, I’d gone out early to sift through my thoughts. “Of course.”
Knox braced his hands on the railing. “Why’s Hanna with a friend and not here?”
“She’s allowed to have friends,” I said, even though I didn’t feel great about the situation. It seemed like a red flag for our relationship. Not that she couldn’t hang out with friends, but it seemed like she was creating distance between us because she was afraid of getting hurt. I hated that she felt that way.
“But you two just got together. Shouldn’t you want to spend all your time with each other?”
My jaw tightened. “Maybe it’s because I told her we couldn’t really be together in front of Ember.”
“I know you want to do right by Ember, but sneaking around with Hanna isn’t the answer. Wouldn’t it be better to tell Ember the truth?” Knox’s tone was light, but I felt the steel behind his words.
I hadn’t thought about Ember being hurt or confused that we’d kept our relationship a secret. I always thought I was protecting her. “My therapist said to take things slow when I started to date.”
“This isn’t just anyone, though. It’s Hanna. Your best friend. She’s been in Ember’s life from the beginning.”
“I don’t know what to do. Kids don’t come with a manual. There isn’t a chapter on what to do when a parent starts dating again.”
“What feels right to you?” Knox asked quietly.
I knew we only had a few minutes before the rest of my brothers joined us. I wanted to make the most of our time. “Not this.” I hated being apart from her. Even Ember sensed something wasn’t right. “She’s pulling away. I don’t like it. At the same time, I’m not ready to tell Ember.”
Telling Ember made it real. This past week, I could pretend that nothing had changed. At least until Hanna slipped into my bed each night, and I lost myself in her. By morning, she was gone, and my routine was the same.
I took care of Ember with Hanna’s help. It was scary to think what could happen if I was all in with Hanna. She could walk away; the relationship might not work out. What then? The thought of starting over, of not being friends with Hanna anymore, sent piercing pain through my chest.
“It’s not fair to Ember or Hanna to continue like this. You’re not being honest with either of them,” Knox said, sounding reasonable.
My family was used to seeing Hanna around. Her absence was already arousing their suspicions that something was wrong. I needed to make a change. The question was, to what extent?
“Be honest with Ember. Tell her you don’t want her to be upset or hurt but that you’ve had feelings for Hanna for years. You want to start dating again. You want to be happy.”
“That’s all true,” I said, even as trepidation crept up my spine.
“Then why can’t you say it to her?”
“I’m scared of screwing everything up—my relationship with Ember and my relationship with Hanna. It’s just easier to keep things the way they are.”
Knox shook his head. “You can’t get what you want if you don’t make changes. You’re stuck.”
My routine had always been my safe place. I knew what to expect each morning. There was always the possibility that Brandy could show up and upend everything. So, I kept things as predictable as possible. I thought I was helping Ember, but now I wasn’t so sure. Had I played things too safely over the years?
Knox gripped my shoulder. “I know you’re scared to make a change, but sometimes it’s the best thing we can do. Stop letting Brandy control your life.”
“I’m not,” I insisted immediately, even though I knew he was right. I was dictated by the fear of her popping in and out of my life, and Ember’s.
“Talk to her.”
Heath and Emmett opened the slider and joined us. The mood was lighter, and if they sensed that we were talking about something heavy, they didn’t mention it. I was grateful for the reprieve. They talked about Christmas with their families while I wondered if I could talk to Hanna tonight.
Would she come to my bedroom? Or would she create even more space by staying away? I hated that she felt the need to protect herself by creating distance. It was the last thing I wanted.
I needed to show her how much I cared about her, and if telling Ember was what needed to be done, then I’d do it. I’d do anything for Hanna. I just needed to show her that.
