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It’s like deciding to break someone first before they break you—because you know that’s coming, whether you’re manifesting it or willing it—but you know. And then you somehow convince yourself that it’s easier to hurt them before they have a chance to hurt you, and so you destroy something that maybe could have been special. That’s the Ari school of thought, which I am very aware is one hundred percent self-sabotage. I know I’m not the only one walking around the world with this view. I know there are other jaded people out there willing to do anything to protect their heart. I can’t let myself break. I can’t let myself go down a rabbit hole that there’s no way out of with Sookie. There is only one outcome for us—and it’s not one where we end up together. So, if I can’t have him in the way that I want, I have no problem just stalking him. Clearly. I am more than willing to spend hours just stalking…
I don’t even know what that says about my mental state.
I groan and check my phone.
Crap. It’s so late.
I really need to sleep and I still have missed text messages. Wait, missed text messages from S-
My heart speeds up and for one beautiful second I think it’s a missed message from Sookie. I can’t believe how happy that makes me feel. I can’t believe what the thought does to my heart… to my insides and then like a deflated balloon I actually read it correctly and see that it’s from Simon.
Simon?
What’s he doing texting?
I shove my laptop aside and start looking through the texts.
Director Simon
“Filming time changed, be on set by six a.m.”
Director Simon
“Scratch that, be there at five thirty, lot’s of hype on social media about this so we’re going to add in a few challenges.”
Challenges?
Isn’t this already challenging?
It’s rare to change any sort of filming last minute with these things, especially for unscripted Everything has to be planned out in advance, we have to get permission from places and brands, we have a limited time, and a more limited budget.
If he’s really changing things up that also means that this could affect legal. I groan silently. Everything was clearly mapped out, does that mean we’re completely shifting gears from a few hours ago? It sure sounds like it.
I can only imagine what Simon has in store. He’s all about ratings… just like everyone, I guess. So the louder and more dramatic, the better. Ugh. Why do I have such a bad feeling about this?
I let out a sigh, set my alarm, tell myself it’s okay that I won’t get more than a few hours of sleep and pray for the best.
I find myself looking through the pictures in my phone, my mind still racing with all the thoughts I have going on about Sookie.
And then I come across one of my favorite pictures of the band.
I have a moment of weakness and I change my screen to the picture of SWT—of course it’s the one where Sookie takes center stage and is all I can see.
He’s all I want to see.
That Maknae who owns every picture he’s in.
(scene break)
I look like hell and I feel like death.
I walk to set with a cup of coffee and an attitude that even the devil would be jealous of. I’m in a navy blue jacket with a white shirt and jeans that somehow don’t feel as loose as they used to, and heels—because what better way to add to the suffering than wear high heels? Yes, I’m a glutton for punishment, but I felt fat, and I wanted to look tall and slim.
I’ve also decided most bad decisions begin with the seed of insecurity—which is me right now. Fully, one hundred percent, insecure. And I’m embracing the feeling… all of it. I am aware of how rock bottom my emotions are—like, I don’t think they could get anymore dark or unsure. I’m still frustrated with myself, but what can you do in situations like this? I think the only way through is walking in and just embracing the overall insecure vibe that has taken over me—which by the way, is highly unusual—but then, the situation I find myself in is highly unusual. So I guess it’s a day for that.
After I brushed my teeth and took a good look at myself in the mirror and tried to talk some sense into the Ari that once was sensible and secure and not a pathetic stalker mess, I feel like I give that Ari a good pep talk. After I’m done lecturing her on life in general, I promptly changed my lock screen to a cat.
I don’t own a cat, but I thought the picture of this one was cute, but then the dark hole of my mind opened up and sucked me in, and I realized that me choosing a picture of a cat to put on my lockscreen was potentially a bad omen. There is a good chance that I will more than likely turn into that person: the cat lady. The very single cat lady who sits at home and vacillates from cat video to K-pop group videos… eating ice-cream and ramen.
