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The guys’ eyes all widen.
“My man.” Jay does a little fist bump. “Imagine if we had cheese dip.”
We all eat in silence. You’d think we hadn’t eaten a day in our lives, and when Chul busted out some cookies, it was like this weird moment of everyone just satisfying their hunger and swearing each other to silence.
When Jay and I finally got to bed later full of junk food, I realize I enjoyed myself. It wasn’t so bad—they weren’t so bad, they were pleasant.
I have no clue how much trauma we would all experience or how needed this bonding would be. On every level.
Chapter Nine
Ari
It’s four am and I still can’t sleep.
Instead, I’m watching YouTube videos… well, Sookie to be more specific. I’m watching Sookie on YouTube. And I can’t stop. I’m officially a stalker. I wonder if it’s creepier that I’m living next door to him and watching fan made videos and Tik-Toks rather than texting him?
I can’t stop though.
It’s this impulsive need.
And it makes me smile.
Hemakes me smile.
What the hell am I even doing? I’m a grown ass woman sitting on YouTube lusting after a guy I can never have. I’m analyzing every move. Every smile. Every goddamn detail because I just…
I just…
And more than that… Imisshis hugs.
It sounds dumb, even in my own head, but it’s what I remember the most about Sookie. It’s what I obsess about the most. It wasn’t that he kissed me, or the way he kissed me, it’s not the way he makes my body heat up. It’s not the lust or desire… it’s that he gives a damn about me. He sees me.
Me.
And I know this because of the way he touches me.
The way he holds me.
It was the way he held me.
An embrace verses his mouth on mine.
Heheldme. He held me like I mattered. Like I was the most precious thing in the world to him. Like he would always keep me safe.
And…
I held him back with the same veracity and need. I held him back like he mattered too… Because he does. More than anything. He does.
And those few seconds of us touching each other was everything to me. They meant something—like our touch transcended all the blocks around us. It feels like a lifetime ago… touching him.
I would trade the world for a taste of those few seconds again.
I would give anything to experience that love he embraced me with—without even trying. And I know watching him on YouTube is truly not helping anything right now. It’s just making me resent everything about my life. My job. Why he has to be an idol—like why? And why I had to fall for him. I wish I could hate him. It’s so much easier to find reasons to hate a person than accept the fact that you love them.
It’s so much safer.
Let them love you more so you’re never truly invested in that all-consuming, gut wrenching way that is both a curse and a blessing.
