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I take a deep breath. “Yes.”
“So what you do has worth, but that doesn’t mean people are allowed to define your worth, if that makes sense. Just continue to be who you are and if people can’t accept that, then that’s on them. I know it’s hard for you. Being the youngest and the Maknae—there’s a lot of pressure in that role you have to play. I get it. But the role will change because that’s just what happens. That’s just what time brings. All this… all of this reality will be so different in six months from now—that’s the only thing that’s guaranteed in our world. It’s always moving. Always shifting. Always changing. You just have to learn how to flow with it. And you’re young, you’ll find your way.
I look over at him.
“With or without her.”
The way he says that makes me feel like someone’s squeezing my chest again. I can’t imagine without…
But… he’s not wrong.
I’m quiet, probably too quiet, I can feel the words on my tongue. I can see her in my minds eye, her smile, her beauty, the way she would take me out when I needed support and now—now I’m going to be forced into a dating scene that’s not even real while she watches.
And doesn’t give a shit about it.
She calls whatever we had a fling, a bucking fling—when it was the most important moment of my life, defining even. A fling… while I’ve been waiting for my contract to end so I can ask her to go on a date. While I’ve been counting down the days for the contract to end.
I’m just a fling.
And if that’s how she sees me, then I’ve been delusional for a long time now. I’m mad at myself for suffering this entire time, only to be told that she’s never seen me as anything more than a fun hook up.
I get that the stakes are high, I’m not stupid. I get all the reasons why we can’t be together—but I was always under the delusional assumption thatthosereasons were why we couldn’t be… I thought I meant more to her. But now I know I didn’t.
Maybe it’s better this way. Maybe this will make me hate her instead…
My mind rebels against even the thought of that.
I rest my head against Jay’s shoulder and let out a frustrated sigh. “I think I need to get laid.”
He bursts out laughing.
“Wow, not where I saw you going with this conversation.”
“Well, I did.”
“Look, the idea definitely has merit, but I know you-”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I cock a brow at him.
“You’re a feelings guy. It won’t help. Broken hearts don’t heal from P or V.”
I have to laugh.
“We should make shirts.” I say. “It’s a great slogan.”
“I think so. And then we can compose a song and shock the entire industry. It would be a hit like no other. We have a solid marketing plan now., I’ll just be right back after I pitch that to management.”
“I love you, man.”
“We might be a group, but you’re my family.” He says it so simply. “Even if I want to fight you over towels, at the end of the day, I will always have your back. Now go eat some food, you’re losing weight and not in a good way.”
I sigh. “I just want a Dorito.”
“Say that out loud and they’ll just give you a carrot.”
“I hate carrots.”
He ruffles my hair.
