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I drop my phone and stumble toward my bed and narrowly miss my dresser.
The door opens.
Jay walks in, takes one look at me and lunges for me, pulling me into his arms. “Hey, just breathe, breathe, in and out, there you go, count to three.”
I start to count in my head.
One. She’s gone. She was never here.
Two. I need to let go.
Three. I’m lost.
I exhale and lean against Jay. He’s always wearing this heavy cologne I can’t place, but right now it smells familiar and safe, so I cling to him while he holds me. I can’t believe how broken I feel from her words. Pieces of my soul are getting ripped from me in real time, to the point I think if I looked in an actual mirror, I would see my entire body and soul getting torn apart.
A fling?
“Hey.” She held my hand. “It’s going to be okay.”
“It’s hard.” I confess and look up at her with sweat pouring down my face. “I want this but it’s so fucking hard!”
I break.
And she holds the pieces.
She grabs me by the shoulders and shoves me into the corner of the practice room. “You won’t break.”
“Why?”
“Because.” She reaches for my hand. “I’m holding you.”
I collapse against her shoulder and sob, and then I do the stupidest thing in existence when facing my hero.
I fall in love. “
“Hey.” His warm arms wrap around me. “I don’t fully know what’s going on, but what I do know is this: you’re going to be okay. And if anyone, any human in existence, doesn’t realize how incredible you are, then they aren’t worth it. They should sacrifice the world for you, or at least offer it before breaking your heart by trying to push you away. So allow the sacrifice, and know you’re okay.”
I grip his forearms and try to let his words in. I try to hear the logic, the truth in them, but when your heart hurts bad, when someone shatters it’s hard to let the light in. The darkness somehow feels more comforting.
“You know,” I lower my head and try to lighten the mood. “Even you hugging me is a scandal or thirst trap, in our own dorm.”
He hugs me tighter. “Yeah, well you’re not really my type, you’re too messy and I swear if you leave one more wet towel on the floor again I will murder you in your sleep and ask for forgiveness later, then bury you with said towel.”
It makes me laugh, then again Jay always makes me laugh. “You and wet towels, so much damage there.”
“We all have our things.”
I cling to him tighter, then turn in his arms and hug him. “You’re the best big brother I could ask for.”
“Damn right I am.” He pats me on the back. “You don’t have to talk about it, but I’m here.”
I pull back and frown down at the floor. “Do you ever just think it’s not enough? It’s exhausting, living this life? I can’t help but feel like the joy keeps getting sucked dry. We go from these incredible highs, to the lowest of the low, and then we’re expected to say fucking thank you.”
“Grace did a number on you teaching you so many curse words in English.” Jay runs his hands through his hair and sits down on his bed. “And I have no answer for that, you know I have my own… background, damage, whatever you want to call it, but I do know this, at the end of the day if you only helped one person would it still be worth it?”
I sigh and collapse next to him on the bed. “Stop making sense.”
“Would it?”
