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Manhattan, New York City
“Are you sure you want to go here?” Raff asks as we step out of the car in front of Diamonds.
“Why wouldn’t I?” I look up at the neon sign, unwanted memories flooding through me. “Luca said himself; this is the best of our strip clubs and as you all insist on a bachelor party, we may as well do it right.” I’m trying to make a point to myself that she isn’t going to ruin a place of business for me but I’m not convinced. I received a text from her on a random number a few days after she left. No explanation, just six words.
3:23 AM
+44 7463 4034757
I won’t admit it to anybody but I did try to contact her. I turned up at Hannah’s multiple times. She wouldn't give me her new number and said it's none of my business. I could have used force but something didn't sit right with hurting the Tinkerbell look-alike. Especially when she was verging on tears whenever I went there. I could have had Luca track Casimira down. I could have flown over there, but I won't. I won't chase her. She made her choice. Now I have to live with it.
“Alright,” Raff says, unease in his voice as he follows me inside. I didn’t want a bachelor party but Luca and Benny wouldn’t stop harping on about it and to be honest, I wouldn’t mind getting drunk out of my mind. Me and Isla will be married by this time tomorrow and I feel completely empty. The only emotion I feel is rage. Rage that I let myself believe I could love Casimira and she would love me back. My only focus now is carrying on with my original plan. Secure this alliance with the Irish and bring hell to every Russian in my city. Anything else is just in my way.
Luca had the club closed for business for the night. Carms, Luca, Benny, Paulie and Matteo are already here. All of them are surrounded by girls. It looks as if the ratio is 2-1, just how they like it. My head turns to the main stage, there's a redhead and a blonde dancing together around the pole but I'm not really looking at them. I’m looking at the spot where I first saw Casimira. Where she punched that guy for being too touchy. I shake it off, fire burning in my veins.
“Ah, the husband-to-be!” Paulie shouts. I walk over and take a seat next to him. Luca has got his face pressed so far in between some woman's tits that he hasn’t even noticed me come in. I take a bottle of whiskey off the table, flick the top off and swallow half the bottle. The only way I'm getting through tonight is if I can't feel my face.
Three of the girls come sauntering over to me, draping themselves over me. I let them. Maybe if I fuck something it will take my mind off those fucking eyes. Two of them start to dance together in front of me, touching each other. The third one sits herself on my lap, threading her fingers in my hair. I want to cringe away from it but I force myself not to. She brings her face close to my ear whispering, “So, this is your last night of freedom?”
“It would seem that way.” I deadpan.
“Well, we better make it a night to remember.” She says it seductively, little does she know that’s the opposite of what I want. “Let's go to one of the private rooms.” She says jumping up and reaching for my hand. I let her take it and follow her in. I haven’t even looked at her face because I know the only one I'll see is halfway across the ocean and no longer belongs to me.
She doesn’t waste any time. As soon as I sit on the plush chair she gets on her knees, unzipping my slacks. She's trying to be sexy but it isn’t working. I just want her to get on with it. She starts to stroke me, and I start to harden even though she is quite literally the furthest thing from what I want right now.
She takes me in her mouth and I lean back, closing my eyes and drinking from my whiskey bottle. She has talent but it isn’t the right mouth. My annoyance starts to rise and I snap my head up. I pull her off and flip her around so she's bent over the chair. I don’t want to look at her. I take a condom out of my pocket and slide it on, ripping her thong to the side and thrusting into her in one. She moans so loudly and usually I'd like it but right now it's just pissing me off more. I fuck her hard and fast just wanting one singular thing out of this. She keeps moaning in high-pitched tones and I grit my teeth. “Shut the fuck up.” I grit out as I smash into her.
I keep going but I'm not even sure I can come. My mind tries drifting to Casimira but I keep snapping it back until I can't think of anything else apart from her. The way her chest would flush in the shower. The curves of her waist that felt like it was made to be moulded to my hand. The sound of her laugh when she really got going even though it was more of a snort. That feeling when she'd be close to finishing and sometimes she’d intertwine our fingers and it felt as if she was pouring herself into me and healing everything broken in my soul. That's how it felt to be with her; like she was constantly healing things that other people had broken. She did it without even trying.
I didn’t realise but before her, I was living in the dark. I was born in it. I grew in it until she came along and pulled me into the light. Showing me what it’s like to live in her light and breathe fresh air without even being aware of what she was doing. Then suddenly she slammed that door shut, barricaded it with tungsten, coded the door to her fingerprint ensuring there wasn’t a single person on earth who could open it again. She’s left me back in the darkness with the knowledge of how good it feels to be in her light and I fucking hate her for it.
I try to stop myself but I can't. I finally reach climax and it's not enjoyable. I’m left with a bitter taste in my mouth at the fact I had to think of her just to finish. She’s burrowed her way into my heart just to shred it until there's nothing left but dust.
I pull out and put my cock away. Dropping the condom in the trash on the way out and returning to my brothers in a worse mood than when I arrived.
All of them are having the time of their lives. Even Raff looks to be enjoying himself whilst he watches two girls dance over him. I would have preferred to shoot a few people tonight, that would have been better than this shit show.
Alexis comes over to me with a frown, she stops just in front of me and looks a bit apprehensive but that’s how everyone looks at me nowadays. “I hate to ask but have you heard from Cas recently?”
I don’t ever want to hear her name again. I glare at her. “No, and don’t fucking ask me again.”
Alexis instinctively moves a step towards Luca and he points a finger at me, pulling her down protectively by the waist. “Oi.” He says with a stern face. “Don’t take it out on her.” He passes me a bottle of whiskey. “Stop sulking, you're meant to be having fun.”
I angle my head at him, daring him to say another word. He doesn't. Just shakes his head disapprovingly. I spend the rest of the night in solitude, drinking until I can’t think. But the vision of her never goes away, not really.
∞
Arsonist's lullaby - Hozier
It's August 25th, the day I get married. The church is decorated with white Lillies, the sunlight streaming in through the stained glass windows. The pews are full of every member of The Family, likewise with the Irish mafia. Everyone is here to witness our new alliance take hold.
I’m standing at the altar facing my new wife. I should put a smile on my face to keep up appearances but I don’t. I want to destroy everything. I’m looking into Isla’s green eyes but it’s the wrong shade of green.
The priest says something and I can only guess I'm meant to kiss her now as she leans up to me with a prompting expression.
I lean down and kiss her feeling absolutely nothing. Her lips are all wrong. Her smell is all wrong. It's a flowery perfume and honestly, it makes me feel sick. I pull away trying to hide my disgust. Isla blushes and smiles, albeit a bit sadly. I offer her my arm so we can walk out of the church whilst everyone throws confetti over us like it’s the happiest day of my life.
“Just hold it together for another hour or so and we can sneak away.” She mumbles only loud enough for my ears. I look down at her and she prompts me with her eyebrows, eyes serious. “Put your mask back on.”
